You may right now be in a situation where you are getting the feeling that your ex might want to get back with you, or you might be in a situation where you want to know what signs will your ex show to let you know that he / she wants you back.
This is very important to understand because there is a right and wrong time to actually know when to ask your ex back to you.
In most cases, you do not actually have to ask your ex to get back with you. If your ex wants to get back with you, he / she will let you know.
But if your ex is someone that doesn’t really take initiative at all in other areas of his / her life, then your ex may not ask you back, even if he / she wants you back.
You need to understand that even if your ex still has feelings for you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your ex wants to get back with you. If your ex is thinking about patching up with you, trust me, your ex will have different reactions.
Below are a few of the signs that mean that your ex might want to get back together and give another try at it.
1. Your ex is talking about the problems of the relationship
There is a difference between talking about what went wrong in the relationship and pointing fingers at each other for the relationship failure. This is very important to distinct because many people in such a situation will start to get very defensive.
This is something you do not want to do because if you do get defensive, and start to create a tense situation with your ex and you, it’s not going to help your cause to get your ex back.
What you need to remember is that your ex is just voicing his / her concerns. The psychology behind actually bringing up the problems is basically your ex wanting to pinpoint the problem to you. That’s natural because no one believes that they are the one at fault in the relationship.
But what you need to really understand here is that, if your ex can bring it up, it means that your ex is really considering getting back with you, and is looking for you to see if you will admit the things that your ex has mentioned.
A lot of times, after breakup, some people just want to blame the other party for screwing up their relationship, so that they can feel better. If your ex is seriously talking with you about what went wrong, it shows that he/she is serious about wanting to find out what the problem was.
What To Do:
Make sure that you choose your words carefully and refrain from blaming. It’s quite easy to start blaming the other person in these situations. If the conversation starts to go in a negative direction, try to steer it into a positive direction.
If there was communication problems before, it’s a good opportunity to prove that two of you can talk about about relationship problems without getting into an argument.
So the first step is to always validate. Validate does not necessarily mean you agree with your ex. Validating just means that you let your ex know that you understand how he / she felt back then.
So for example if your ex says “you are too controlling, you’re always negative, and you’re always trying to pick a fight”. The natural reaction for anyone would be to be defensive and turn the tables around and point the fingers at their ex as well.
This is a BIG mistake because you need to think of the big goal here. If you want to get your ex back, your ex has to link pleasure towards you. That means your ex has to feel good when he / she is communicating with you.
And if you are trying to make your ex feel like it’s their fault too, that will definitely let your ex link pain towards you.
So the best way to handle the “accusations” by your ex, regardless if it’s true or not, is just to say “I understand how you feel and I can certainly understand why you felt that way, and I apologise that you felt that way towards me back then”.
When you say the above statement, your ex will suddenly be in shock because he /she was certainly not expecting you to say that. This is what I call a “Pattern Interrupt”.
Your ex was expecting you to be defensive but when you don’t, it suddenly stops your ex in his / her tracks and will stop the blaming game. And with this pattern interrupt, your ex will suddenly be wanting to listen to what you have to say, because you have validated your ex.
So what you say next is “If I could turn back, I certainly would have behaved differently had I known I made you felt that way. Is there anything I can do to make up for what I did?”
This statement is very important to say because this shows you are thinking for your ex. How often do we get so carried away in the relationship that we ONLY care about how WE feel, and care about how the other person has to make us feel?
This is our human nature tendency. But when you put it to your ex this way, suddenly he/ she will realise that you might have changed because you certainly would not say such things back then.
Now that you said this, it will change your ex’s initial perception of you and think of you very much differently now than compared to the time towards the end of your relationship.
And with the question, you are essentially letting your ex come up with a solution (note: you aren’t the one that come up with the solution), to let you know how to “repair” this broken feeling your ex has in him/ her.
2. Your Ex Is Starting To Initiate Contact To you
If you notice that your ex is starting to initiate contact to you, that could be a very good sign that your ex is getting more interested in you and might have already considered getting back with you.
The psychology of actually initiating a message to you shows that your ex is thinking of you. Your has to or he / she will not be able to pick up the mobile phone, search for your name, and then send a text to you.
This action in itself means that your ex has consciously thought of you to be able to initiate a text to you.
Although this is a really good sign, it might not necessarily mean your ex wants to get back with you now. It might be that he / she is feeling really good towards you and is just wanting to see whether the feelings will start to grow.
What To Do:
You want to stay calm and not show neediness or desperation in your texts to your ex. You still want to remain how you were because what you had been doing was probably working, and that caused your ex to reach out to you first.
So a general rule of thumb is to always keep the conversation light and fun. If you can get your ex to laugh in the conversation, do so. Laughter is a very powerful feel-good feeling. So if you can get your ex to laugh, it can really help grow his / her feelings towards you.
You also want to talk about topics that interests your ex. The best way to really let your ex feel really good towards you is to engage your ex around a topic of his / her interest.
We as humans especially love if someone were to talk with us about our favourite topic that we can already talk for hours upon hours on. So you want to engage your ex around his / her interests and passion.
One thing to note – you need to stay away from any conversations that can let your ex feel uncomfortable. Such topics include anything that is personal to your ex like what he is doing, or whether your ex is seeing someone new, or even talking about the relationship.
You must stay away from all these because it can make the conversation awkward and let your ex think that you are still the same as before. So this is a very important thing to note.
3. Your Ex Bringing Up Good Memories
When your ex starts talking about the good times you had, then it can be a sign that they are thinking about getting back together. It certainly means that they miss you and the fun you had during the relationship.
While this is rare, it does happen. Do take note that what I mention here is of your ex talking about the past, not you.
At no time in any of the conversations you have with your ex must you bring up the past, as it can let your ex pull away.
What To Do:
If your ex does talk about the past memories, it is important to keep the conversation positive. Also, you can try to insinuate that you are still that much fun and you still have a great time in your life, even without them. Be careful not to go overboard and act needy and desperate at any time.
Remember, all of these signs, despite some of them being pretty obvious are still just signs. Your ex’s behaviour can be confusing after a breakup. It could be that one minute your ex is thinking of getting back together and the next your ex becomes completely cold.
Regardless of how your ex is behaving towards you, you must not let it affect your mindset because staying positive and strong in your mindset is critical to your success in getting your ex back.
4. Your Ex Is Responding Very Enthusiastically To Your Messages
If you notice that your ex is responding very enthusiastically to your messages, and is replying rather quicker than normal, then that is a very positive sign.
This shows that your ex enjoys having the conversation with you over texts, and that also shows that you have really engaged your ex around a topic that he / she is really excited in talking about.
This is a sign that pretty much is identical to how it was when you two first started dating before you and your ex got together.
Of all the four signs, this is probably the biggest sign that shows your ex do have intention to get back with you.
What To Do:
You need to really assess why is it that your ex is suddenly so enthusiastic in your conversation. Is it just that topic, or has your ex’s attitude change drastically compared to before?
Then you want to continue doing the same thing that is making your ex respond to you enthusiastically. If the topic is making your ex really engaged with you in the conversation, then you want to expound on the topic.
A powerful to do this is to really ask great questions so your ex can talk more about it. The more your ex talks about it, the more he /she will feel really good towards you because everyone loves to be listened to, and love it so much more when they are talking about their favourite topic.
So here a few powerful open-ended questions that you can ask your ex to get him / her to talk more and link more pleasure towards you:
What do you think of….?
What’s your opinion of….?
What’s your preference of….?
How did you do….?
Why did you choose to…?
What do you feel….?
How did you come to a decision of…..?
What made you eventually decide to….?
What would you do if….?
What would your reaction be if…?
Last but not least, follow these principles to really get your ex to feel even more pleasure towards you:
1. Become genuinely interested in what your ex is saying
2. Be a good listener: Encourage your ex to talk about himself / herself.
3. Talk in terms of your ex’s interests.
4. Make your ex feel important – and do it sincerely.
5. Keep the message light, fun and positive, and get your ex to laugh