It’s tough when your spouse have told you that he/she wants to leave you, especially if you both have kids together. And if you both are going through the process of divorce, it can make you feel really depressed, and can affect all other areas in your life.
Your work gets affected. The relationship you have with others also become affected. And all of a sudden you start to feel very lonely.
The thought of the person who you married is no longer going to be with you is starting to hit you in reality and you start to be more depressed than ever.
When it has come to this, you probably have already tried many ways to get your husband/wife back.
You probably have begged, or told your spouse you will change, or even tried to use your kids to get your spouse to change his/her mind. But no matter what you do, it doesn’t work.
So how can you get your spouse back and save your marriage for good?
Step 1: Understand Your Spouse’s Perception Of You
A lot of the times, the marriage falls apart because of the change in perception your spouse has towards you.
For example, have you changed from how you were in the beginning when you two first got together? You might say that you haven’t really changed, but what’s important is to look at your spouse’s perspective.
Are there things that your spouse mentioned when you two were still together that he/she disliked or hated?
Were you less tolerant compared to when you two first got together?
For example for men, when you first started chasing your wife, you were probably much more agreeable back then. If your wife asked you to take out the trash, you’d probably agree in a heartbeat and even sing while taking the trash out. But as time passed, you most likely got mad when your wife asked you for the same request.
As for women, when you first got together with your husband, you were probably less naggy or complained less about him. But as time passed, you start to pick more faults in your husband and start to quarrel and argue more often with him.
So this is very important to realise because while you feel you may not have changed, that’s not necessarily the perception that your spouse have of you.
So understanding this part is very important as your spouse fell in love with a certain you – the you that made your spouse fall in love with you in the first place was most likely significant then the you that your spouse perceive of you now.
You need to let your ex see that you have changed and you’re now no longer the person that your spouse broke up with.
Step 2: Dig Deep To Uncover Your Spouse’s Unhappiness
Generally there are only two reasons why your spouse left the relationship:
- Either your spouse is unhappy in the relationship
- Or your spouse is not feeling the way he/she wants to feel in the relationship
So knowing this can be quite a challenge because after working with many clients, not many of them actually do realise what it actually is that causes their spouse to be unhappy in the relationship.
So here are a number of questions to help you uncover this:
- Can you think of any particular incident that made your spouse change his/her attitude towards you?
- Did you spouse raise any concerns about the relationship when you two were still together?
- What are the things that your spouse mentioned that he/she disliked about you?
- Were you two quarrelling or fighting often?
- Did your spouse ever tell you that he/she was unhappy towards you for any reason?
All these questions will help you realise the big picture of the relationship that you had with your spouse.
Knowing this is half the battle won, because if you know what makes your spouse unhappy, then you can prevent these things from happening in the future.
Step 3: Build Up Trust In Your Spouse Again
Most of the time, a break up is synonymous with your spouse losing trust in you. And when trust is lost, it can be quite a challenge to build it back up.
However it is absolutely necessary to build up trust in your spouse again if you want to salvage your marriage.
So how do you build up trust?
The answer: Gradually over time.
Trust is not demanded, nor is it given once it has been lost. For example, if you trusted someone but that person deceived you, would you be able to immediately trust that person again?
Most likely not right?
Same for your spouse right now. Chances are that your spouse had also been hurt through the relationship. And hurt takes time to heal.
So expecting your spouse to immediately trust you again is not very possible. You will have to earn your way back into your spouse’s heart again.
Here are a few guidelines to gradually build up trust in your spouse again when you have communication with him/her:
1) Motivate, encourage and let your ex feel good about himself/herself when talking to you.
2) Compliment and validate your ex whenever you have the chance in the conversation.
3) Do NOT argue or get into a quarrel.
4) Let your ex view you as very positive. People love happy people.
5) Be your ex’s source of strength and support.
6) Keep the conversation light and fun always
7) Be very polite and friendly
8) Absolutely NO serious talks about the relationship and whatsoever.
These will get your ex to link pleasure to you.
Imagine that your ex is holding an empty cup. Each time you link pleasure to your ex, that cup will be filled little by little. And each time you make your ex link pain to you, that cup will be emptied. Your goal is to make that cup overflow.
Step 4: Think Strategically, Not Emotionally
This is one of the most important concepts that I teach my clients to understand and apply because many relationship get destroyed because of the inability to mange their emotions.
Think back to a time that caused a strain in your marriage with your spouse. Most likely it’s because your spouse got emotional, and you had also gotten emotional that caused things to go out of hand.
But had you actually thought strategically, and thought of the consequence of what those words or actions that you have taken would lead to, most likely you would not done or said what you did back then right?
So what thinking strategically really means is that you need to think of how your words and actions are perceived by your spouse. Then you also think of the possible outcomes that can happen based on the words and action you are about to take.
For example, you might probably miss your spouse a lot now. You feel very emotional now and want to contact your spouse to give you both one more chance and to tell your spouse that you have changed.
However you had already done this before right after the break up. So by thinking strategically, you would ask yourself:
“Would this make my spouse more likely to want me back, or more likely to make my spouse want to stay further away from me?”
“Would this make me seem desperate and needy in my spouse’s eyes?”
“Would it push my spouse further away from me?”
“Is there what an attractive person would do?”
“Would this make me more or less attractive in my spouse’s mind?”
“Would what I’m about to say or do make my spouse feel that I’m once again the person he/she first fell in love with? Or would it reinforce in his/her mind that breaking up was the right thing to do?”
If you want to get your ex back, understanding perception is very important to getting your ex back.
And every word you said, or action you take can shape the perception your spouse have towards you.