If you have just gone through a breakup, chances are your emotions are running on high and you start panicking.
Thousands of questions run through your head and you can’t help but feel that this can’t be real. You miss your ex so much and all you can think of is them.
During this time, this is when trouble comes because when your emotions start to run wild, you start to act irrationally.
And if you want to get your ex back, then you have to take a step back and consciously realize what you are about to do.
This is very important because you don’t want to act irrationally and suddenly start doing things you will regret soon after.
Ask yourself this question:
Imagine you rowing a boat and en route to your destination not too far away.
Suddenly the boat you’re in starts leaking and you found out that there are holes at the bottom of your boat.
What will you do?
A) You quickly paddle your oars hoping you can reach your destination before your boat sinks.
B) You plug out the holes first to stop the boat from sinking then paddle your way to your destination.
I’m sure you would say B. That’s pretty common sense.
But that’s not how people approach it when trying to get their ex back.
You see, in order to do the things to get your ex back, you must first NOT do certain things to stop your “relation-ship” from sinking.
These are the holes you must plug before you can safely row your boat to your destination which is to get your ex back.
So here are the 6 things that you must NOT do right after your breakup:
1. Contacting Your Ex
I know you have the urge to contact your ex.
You somehow believe that “if I can just let them know [enter reason]”, then they will get back with me.
Unfortunately, this will never work. If it should work, then your ex would’ve gotten back with you the last 5 times you tried already.
It’s hard to not want to contact them, I know.
But you have to control yourself. Because if you contact your ex now, it could dramatically jeopardize your chances of getting back with them.
Many people after a while of doing NC, start to lose their willpower.
They then give in and start contacting their ex.
Regardless of whether it’s just a voicemail, text message, physical letter, phone call or even pass messages through your mutual friends.
This includes:
- Begging and pleading your ex to come back.
- Telling your ex how much you love them.
- Apologizing.
- Promising you will change.
- Threatening them (NEVER do this).
- Blaming them.
- Reasoning with them.
- Getting frustrated and doing all sorts of illogical and inappropriate things to get their attention.
- Accidentally bumping into your ex (Your ex will HATE this so don’t do it).
I urge you to stay strong, so hold on to your temptation to contact your ex and be patient because you will eventually contact your ex in the future, just not now.
So next time you have the urge to contact your ex, start going on dates instead.
When you go on dates, you will distract yourself from wanting to contact your ex.
2. Spying on Your Ex
No checking Facebook or Twitter on what your ex is up to these days.
It serves no purpose and will only make you feel worse.
And if somehow your ex were to find out you were spying on them, then that will only make your ex detest you even more and run further away from you.
Don’t even get a mutual friend to tell you what your ex is doing.
It will do no good to you psychologically.
And if you catch yourself about to spy on your ex, ask yourself: “Is this the kind of person I envision myself to be? Is this really who I want to become?”
You see, when you check up on your ex or even think of checking up on your ex, there is a heavy psychological consequence when you do so.
The mere thought of thinking what your ex might be doing can drive you crazy.
I had a client that was very obsessed with thinking about what their ex is doing at every moment.
She couldn’t eat, sleep, or even work. This thought was robbing the daylights out of her literally!
One day, she found out that her ex-boyfriend was going out on dates with this other girl.
She became extremely emotional and was about to call him up to release her anger.
So I quickly stopped her and asked, “By constantly thinking about what your ex might be doing now, will it help your situation?”
She immediately replied, “Absolutely not! It’s driving me crazy!”
So I asked her, “Are you able to control what your ex does every day?”
Without hesitation again she said, “Not at all.”
So I told her, “So instead of wasting your mental capabilities on something you can’t control, why not focus on how you can use this situation you are in now to your advantage and get yourself in the best shape of your entire life!”
She immediately understood and worked on herself rigorously.
If she had gone ahead and contacted her ex-boyfriend and started “unleashing hell” on him, chances are she would most likely get blocked for good and could even possibly lose all chances of getting her ex-boyfriend back.
Life is too short to spend your time focusing on things that will make you unhappy. Get yourself back on track and focus on being attractive.
And spying on your ex is definitely unattractive.
3. Getting Drunk
Now as much as you want to drown your sorrows and “feel better” after getting drunk, you actually won’t.
What you are doing is temporarily suppressing your sorrow.
Trust me, once you wake up and you’re sober again, the same feelings you had is going to come back.
Every time you have an urge to just go drinking and drown your sorrows, again interrupt yourself and ask your “Is your ex who broke up with you, who clearly don’t care about your feelings because they had the audacity to break up with you, worth you destroying your body and getting drunk?”
Absolutely not!
Instead, you should treat yourself to a nice dinner or a movie to celebrate and use the Mind-Frame Shift Technique to say to yourself “Thank goodness I know now my ex’s true colors and what kind of person my ex is. Imagine if this were to happen many years down the road instead! Better now than later.”
4. Don’t Talk About Your Breakup to Your Friends
Again this does not do anything to help you in your situation but make you feel worse ultimately.
Sure you will temporarily feel good after you have poured your hearts out to them, but those feelings will all still come back to you a few hours later.
We don’t want something that will only make us feel good temporarily.
We want the good feelings to be permanent.
By working on yourself to become attractive, will make you feel good permanently.
But this is not the danger of speaking to your friends about your breakup.
The real danger is in you unconsciously wanting to stay in depression and sadness.
Think about it – What happens when you tell your friends about your breakup?
They will console you and shower you with love and support.
And at times like these, you will unconsciously continue to go back to a depressed state because you want to go back to a place where you can feel good and loved.
5. Bad-mouthing your Ex
Now, if you want a chance of getting back with your ex, it’s best you do not bad-mouth him to your friends or family.
These will reap serious consequences on two fronts:
Imagine you now gotten back with your ex and they find out you were saying those things about them when you two broke up.
Upon finding out the bad things you said about them, your ex may even reconsider breaking up with you again and that will cause a whole new set of problems.
Imagine what your friends or family will think of you after you so heatedly bad-mouthed your ex and now you’re back with them.
Your friends and family will probably not want to talk to you in future and even think of you as a hypocrite!
A good example is the famous celebrity couple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said that his marriage to actress Jennifer Aniston contributed to his bored state at that time.
Though he retracted his comments later and claimed that his words were misunderstood, the damage control came a bit too late.
You see, when a relationship falls apart, a mature individual instinctively chooses to keep the details confidential, while there are a few who go to town mud-slinging each other.
Relationships require hard work.
When a couple invests emotionally in their relationship, there’s an obvious sense of loss and a sinking void when the relationship is over.
This often causes emotional turbulence and thus anger and resentment simmer like lava.
However, what you need to remember is that bad-mouthing your ex will only reflect badly on yourself and of your character.
While it’s easy to point fingers at our ex and blaming them for what they have done to you, we also need to look at ourselves and realize that there are things that we could have probably done better to have avoided the situation in the first place.
So remember, if you are about to bad-mouth your ex, stop for a moment and ask yourself whether bad-mouthing your ex will do anything to help your situation if you do want to get back with your ex.
6. Contacting Your Ex’s New Partner
The surest way for your ex to never want to be with you again is if you directly contact their new lover.
If you contact their new lover and harass them, your ex will probably detest you even more.
The last thing you want is your ex coming to you to blame you for losing their lover.
So stay far, far away from their new lover.
Statistics have shown that the majority of people who quickly get into another relationship is most likely just a rebound relationship and will end in a couple of months’ time.
Therefore, I strongly suggest you just wait till your ex sees you looking irresistibly attractive in the future and they will run to you like bees to honey!
And when that time comes, you can decide for yourself whether you want them back or not 😉
Romjan Dhayan says
Yeah, That’s a great post. Your above some points make me feel better. I think it will probably help me in my times.
George says
me and my ex were together for 3 years, we broke up for 4 months or so during that 3 years and got back together, she done nothing sexual with any other lads just kissed a few and i was okay with that. Now we have been split up for 2-3 months, first few weeks basically still together, still meeting sleeping together etc then alot of stuff went on and her mum started hating me, she changed her number and blocked me on facebook and went completely cold on me.
I wasnt to fussed at the time, but then i found out she was meeting someone else, i spoke to her recently on a friends fbook and we started speaking eventually she agreed to meet me as im soon going to afghan and we probably wouldnt ever see each other again as she planned on working abroad next year. We met up, everything was great we had a laugh had a drink then both went to see our seperate friends, we agreed to meet up later that night, by this time i still didnt have her new number as she always refused to give it me, but she text me that night and we met up in town both drunk and it was like we was the perfect couple again, we ended up going home together and having the most amazing sex and she said it was the best shes ever had and you could tell that it was!! We had a talk about our relationship and she even ended up crying! But i think it was due to the alcohol surely? Anyway she went home the next day and so did i, i texted her a few times and got one word answers and she went completely cold again!! The other night she told me she liked the guy she was meeting more than me, shes meeting him this weekend i begged her not to but she is doing it anyway, im heartbroken!! I know she would never ever admit if she has feelings for me as she is incredibly stubborn!! Is there any chance of me getting her back?
Bev says
We were together for nearly 4 years LDR. He lost feelings and ended it 4 months ago. He still cares about me just don’t love me anymore. It wasn’t a bad break up. then one month LC. Three months NC. I was getting better but I still hoped he would come back. I wish I didn’t holding on to those false hope.
Recently I found out he’s with someone now. He said he was low and lonely for a long time. I guess this girl cheered him up. I’m really sad because I know we will never be together again. I really have to move on. But I don’t think I could ever fall in love with anyone. I don’t think I could build a connection with anyone. I don’t think I will find someone who is sincere and sweet as him. I don’t think I will find someone who will love me as much as he did..
I can’t see a future with anyone else..
stefanie says
I had a boyfriend of two and a half years and like all relationships we had our ups and downs but we were both so madly in love we stuck it through the hard times. Yet, a month ago my boyfriend dumped me for good and told me straight that “we will never be together again, 100%” and so for the past month I have been healing, moving on, spending time with friends and family and I have been doing really well for myself.
However, today I received a text from my ex boyfriend (we have been exchanging texts every so often just to say hi etc) saying that he has found a new love and he is in a relationship with this said girl. (we have had fights over this girl previously because I did not like the fact they were flirt texting with each other) It has been a month, I’m feeling hurt, betrayed, jealous. My mind is racing imagining them holding hands with each other, going for meals, going to the cinema together while most of this month I have been sat at home revising for my exams and avoiding the opposite sex completely.
I do not want my ex back, but I have lost a best friend. A best friend I shared my most intimate moments with and I feel he has dropped me for this new girl.
I feel I am right back to square one, and this time it hurts even more. I have spent the entire day crying and going through all the questions I’ll never have. I feel as though he had feelings for this girl whilst we were together, dumped me for her then thought that a month is a good amount of time to then tell me before my friends saw it on facebook.
I’m absolutely devastated I was so madly in love with someone and he has done this to me. I feel as though most of our relationship has been a lie and he has had feelings for this girl whilst he carried on playing happy couple with me.
How can I get over these feelings of betrayl and hurt? I thought he was different to so many other boys, I was wrong and now I’m hurt. How can I learn to trust again? How can I move on knowing he never really loved me?
Also, I go to the same university campus as them both, how should I react when I inevitably see them hanging around together?
lilly says
I tried to make peace with my ex after he broke up with me. For a long time he told me that there was nothing wrong with me. We were in a long distance relationship well recently I reached out to apologize and just make peace to be friendly not trying to get back with him or anything and he says that there are no hard feelings and that he just wants to be left alone and put this all behind him. I’m glad we were able to be peaceful about it but I can’t lie it kind of hurt to hear him say I would just rather not talk to you. I told him if I did or said anything to offend him I’m sorry he responded and said it’s cool we broke up don’t try to fix it…it happens and said again he just wants to be left alone and then he blocked me. I felt horrible but I know there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how nice I was to this person I still got blocked but he keeps his other ex on his friends list. His other ex has a boyfriend I wonder why he did me like this why did I get blocked?
Sam says
My girlfriend broke up with me last December. She told me she was unhappy with me and moved out. Quite a messy break up, I did a lot of begging and pleading but then I eventually cut her out, changing my email and phone number. I had been NC for almost three months, when she got in contact with me.
We ended up speaking for a few days over the phone and through Facebook messaging (she doesn’t have my number) and things were going quite well. There was still some anger directed at each other, but we were quite flirty/were making each other laugh.
She told me she missed me, I told her I missed her.
She is with someone else, and they’ve been together for about six months.
I am with someone else – I didn’t want to be with anyone but I was tired of being on my own and wanted to try and forget about her. A rebound, if you will.
I asked her if she loves this guy, and all she says is “He’s very good to me. He’s been very good to me”. That’s all she ever says about him. Her and I had a lot of arguments during our relationship, it was a pretty toxic one.
I ended up telling her that I still have feelings for her and she said:
“We have to realise that this is the situation we are now in, with new people in our lives that love and trust us – this is our new path”
That was a couple of days ago, and now I can’t stop thinking about her. I miss her so much it is all I think about. What am I supposed to do?
Harry says
I broke up with a girl because I lost all feelings for her and after several weeks decided it was best to break up. Now a month after the breakup I began to miss her and want her back. By this time it was too late as she said she was moving on. She really wants to be friends and she would always text me first to have casual yet much shorter conversations than we use to. After admitting my wrongdoing and trying everything else I told her we cant talk for awhile and that I need to move on if she wants to truly be friends since she doesn’t want to be together. Its been three weeks NC and I still think about her all the time. Should I just accept I messed up and move on or should I try a casual get together a month or two down the road when I am better and see how it goes?
luke says
My ex broke up with me last october and I still want to rekindle things with her.
Basically, what I feel for her is unconditional.
She dated someone else quite soon after the break and then she broke with him about a week ago. Few days later she called me to tell me about it with an excuse to see how I am doing, she asked if I was seeing someone and was trying to find out what I was up to, I didn’t give her much information.
3 days later I contacted her, we spoke for about 50mins, told her I was proud of her for breaking up with me as having attitude trying to get what she wanted was a good thing. I also said later on that I do miss her etc etc. Nothing too sappy. When I brought up that we should hangout she wasn’t too keen, and sounded like she was afraid to. She later said she doesn’t want to rekindle because of the petty problems in our relationship.
Also she is not really seeing someone, she has just met him twice but she’s interested in him I guess, (she is definitely feeling lonely atm)
Well we are going to meet regardless in 20 days for our uni graduation. She probably doesn’t know I am attending so I will approach her when I see her and be myself.
Alex says
I been with my boyfriend for nearly two years and we lived together for over 1 year. I believe I was really good to him as I took care of him even when his family didn’t. I helped him with his depression and all sorts of other issues and tried to b as supportive as possible. However he always had some issues such as chatting with too many girls through messages (couple times he talked not very appropriately) and I told him that it’s making me feel bad because if I never heard of them in all our relationship they can’t b his good friends…at the same time he would never invite me when going out with friends. I never wanted to go all the time but u know an invite from time to time would of been nice as its a bit weird I don’t know any of his friends in two years…there were many other issues such as with intimacy and not being very respectful and caring about me but he always told me he loved me so I tried working it out with him…in the past two months of the relationship I found out he kissed a girl in the club when he got drunk which I was devastated about because he tells me he doesn’t like intimate things too much…he literally said it meant nothing however he was texting with her a bit after the whole kissing thing and was trying to hide it from me…he said he extremely regretted of what happened and that he will prove me his love so I said that I found a new place to live but I have nearly two months till my move so let’s see how the things go…things however didn’t change too much…chatting with girls continued and one night when he went out he didn’t come home till the morning without even telling me which I found very disrespectful…
Anyways I finally moved out two weeks ago…he was asking me not to but I thought maybe some time apart will do is good…first day I moved out he removed his relationship status in Facebook and then as well I realised he had me blocked on watsup so I wouldn’t see how much time he is spending on it…I told him that honestly it’s better if we don’t talk anymore because he is saying one thing but then doing a complete opposite and it’s just hurting my feelings…he told me that he didn’t meant to hurt me and that he is lucky he met me and that he had the best time ever with me and he wished it wasn’t ending will get help and will make me see the his real feelings for me…after that he didn’t contact me at all so I simply deleted his number to make sure I don’t text either….one week after my move out I realised I still had my costs and few jackets left at his place so I went to pick it up and simply called the door. He came down opened door and asked me what I wanted but wouldn’t let me in and said he will bring my things down…so I ended up waiting outside for like 10 minutes and when he came I told him that it was very mean to behave like that after all I did for him and if he was with someone else already it’s alright but no need to b so mean..he said he was alone but simply didn’t want to see me in a flat where we lived together because it would b too hard to see me there and too hard to see me leave…he still said he missed me and loved me so I asked how comes not even a message and where is all the proving that he told me about…he said well u told me not to text u anymore so I don’t…
I mean I just don’t understand his behaviour at all…I honestly think that he is already seeing someone ? Could you please give me some advice on what is going on here as I really believed he will care I left knowing how much I did for him and how much I loved him all this time with all his issues ???