You have been trying to get your ex back for a while now and have probably asked your ex about the relationship between you and him / her.
But no matter what you say to your ex, it’s making your ex drift even further away from you, and you’re not sure what to do.
You’re getting more desperate as days past thinking that if you your ex does not get back with you now, your ex will move on for good.
So the more desperate you become, the more you keep asking your ex about getting back. And the more you ask your ex about getting back with you, the more your ex gets pushed further away from you.
So why is that so?
The reason is because you are showing your ex that you are needy and desperate. Those are very, very unattractive qualities and it’s repulsive by nature.
If your ex senses you as needy and desperate for him / her, your ex will never want you back.
So the biggest mistake you can make while getting your ex back is making yourself seem needy and desperate.
So what makes you seem needy and desperate in the eyes and mind of your ex?
Basically it’s anything that has to do with “pushing” your ex. Basically what a “push” essentially is, is anything that makes your ex feels uncomfortable towards you.
Here are a number of actions that make your ex feel pushed:
- You tell your ex that you love him / her
- You tell your ex that you miss him / her
- You ask your ex to meet up with you
- You ask your ex whether you still have a chance
- You ask your ex whether they still have feelings for you
- You ask your ex whether they still love or miss you
- You ask personal questions about your ex such as whether your ex is seeing someone else, or whether your ex is has already moved on
- You threaten your ex
- You beg and plead with your ex to take you back
- You tell your ex that you have changed
These are ten of the most common mistakes that many people do when trying to get their ex back.
So why are these considered pushes?
The answer is that it’s because you are requesting something of your ex that he / she is not able to give you right now, and that is their feelings.
What you don’t realise is that you are actually telling your ex to want you back, rather than you actually “earning” back their trust and feelings in you.
So here’s something that you need to understand – in order to get your ex back, you will need to let your ex link pleasure towards you again.
You see, we all make decisions out of two core human needs in general:
- The need to gain pleasure
- The need to avoid pain
Think back to the time when you just got together with your ex. Were you displaying actions like you are now? Chances are you most likely aren’t. Back then you gave a very positive perception of yourself to your ex. That’s what made your ex attracted to you in the first place. This linked pleasure in your ex towards you.
But as time passed in your relationship, you changed from how you were in the beginning. So your ex started to link pain towards you and that eventually led to the break up with your ex.
This is something very important to realise because if you hadn’t changed from who you were back then when your ex first got together with you, most likely you would still be with your ex right now.
So how do you exactly correct this mistake of coming across as needy and desperate in the eyes of your ex?
The answer: You need to change you, and start to get your ex to feel good towards you again.
What not many people realise is that they already have the qualities that made their ex fell in love with them in the first place.
You too already have what it takes to get your ex back because you already have gotten together with him / her once.
So what you need to identify is exactly what it is that you had done that gotten your ex to change his / her perception to a negative one of you. And then identify as well what it is that makes your ex feels good about himself / herself.
The Key To Get Your Ex Back
Right now I’d like you to really think about why your ex really wanted to get together with you in the first place.
Was it because you were really happy and funny back then?
Was it because you were more confident back then?
Was it because you really treated your ex with love and respect back then?
Was it because you always found ways to cheer your ex up and make him/ her laugh when your ex was down?
Was it because you just made your ex feel special?
The answer is that it can be some or all of those things. But the real key that actually lets your ex want to be with you in the first place, was because you made your ex FEEL GOOD.
Think about it – a relationship is all about feelings. The only reason why someone would want to get together with another person is because that person made him / her feel good and that became attraction.
Think about your own relationship with your ex. Before you two got together, what was it that made you want to get together with your ex?
If you really find the root of the answer, you will find that it always leads back to how your ex made you feel. It’s because your ex made you feel good, made you have very positive feelings, and made you feel happy that compelled you to take the next step of wanting to be with him / her correct?
I’m pretty sure there’s no way you would want to get together with your ex in the first place if your ex made you feel bad, negative and unhappy.
Now, I want you to really think to how you made your ex feel towards the end of the relationship. Most likely your ex felt negative and unhappy in the relationship and that’s why the break up eventually happened.
Just imagine, if your ex felt this very same way before he / she got together with you, do you think your ex would even have gotten together with you in the first place?
Most likely not. That’s because no sane person would want to be with another person long enough if that person is causing hurt, pain and unhappiness in the relationship.
We humans have the natural instinct and desire to seek happiness and pleasure. That is why you want your ex back now because you think that getting back with your ex will give you happiness and pleasure correct?
So as long as your ex is unhappy and links pain to you, he / she will never want you back.
So here’s the key: To get your ex back, you need to get your ex to feel good again. And the very first step is to NOT let your ex feel that you are needy or desperate.
How To Get Rid Of Your Neediness
So now you know that it’s important to not show your ex your neediness and desperation. But what if you have already made that mistake and your ex now have a very negative perception in you?
The very first step is to work on yourself and change your mindset. The only reason you are feeling needy and desperate is because of the things you are telling yourself of your situation.
Chances are that you are telling yourself things like:
- If I don’t get my ex back soon I will lose my ex forever
- It will be too late if my ex finds someone else
- If I don’t act now my ex will get together with this other person that is interested in him / her now
- My ex is showing signs that he / she doesn’t care and I’m scared his / her feelings will be gone for good
- I’m afraid my ex will move on soon if I don’t get him / her back soon
These are all what I call the “scarcity mindset”. This is the mindset of someone who is afraid to “lose” what they have.
But if you think about this logically, it doesn’t make sense.
Here’s what you need to realise – The day your ex broke up with you, he / she has ALREADY moved on.
Your ex most likely already have no more feelings for you because if your ex still did, you two would still be together.
So what you need to do is accept that your ex has moved on. Your objective shouldn’t be trying to “capture” any feelings left in your ex towards you. It’s the most ineffective way to get your ex back.
Instead what you should be doing is create NEW feelings in your ex for you just like how your ex never had any feelings for you until your ex met you and you created new feelings in your ex for you.
This is the difference between “hey please give us one more chance. I know you still love me and I love you still. Let’s try again” (very ineffective and pushy), versus “I know you’re going to be attracted to me once you get to experience the new me!” (very effective and is a pull).
You are not trying to get back what you lost. You are trying to GAIN new feelings in your ex towards you again.
You don’t want to get back the very same relationship that caused this much pain and hurt to both you and your ex. You want to create a NEW relationship with your ex again.
When you think of it this way, you are coming from a place of abundance and not scarcity. This is a very simple yet profound shift in your mindset that can hugely change the way you let your ex perceive you.
So now that you have changed your way of thinking on how to approach this situation, what do you do to get your ex to start getting interested in you again?
How To Capture The Attention And Interest Of Your Ex Again
This is a very advanced strategy and I will go more into detail in another article but the main gist of this is that you need to contrast your behaviour from the perception that your ex has of you.
So there are a few parts to this:
Part 1 – Reaching out to establish communication again (There are different ways to do this depending on your unique situation and it’s too broad too pinpoint the exact way for your situation here. This is what I do in-depth with my Coaching Clients to help them get their ex back.)
Part 2 – Crafting a different impression of yourself in your ex’s mind by contrasting your behaviour. So now that you already have communication with your ex, you need to firmly understand what is the exact perception your ex has of you and contrast it.
So for example if your ex thinks of you as very demanding and pushy, you change your communication style to being very relaxed and indifferent. This is a very advanced technique but it works really well.
Part 3 – Sustaining the new impression you have created of yourself over a period of time is important for your ex to really believe that you have changed. Most of the time, your ex will be sceptical whether you have really changed. And this is where it’s really important for you to prove that you have indeed change by really maintaining this new impression of yourself.
Of course, you do have to really have an internal change in yourself or you will go back to how you were previously when you get affected by some of the things your ex might say to you.
Part 4 – This is where you strategically say and do things to let your ex feel good about himself / herself, and in turn get them to link pleasure towards you.