Today I’d like to share with you another success story from another of my client, Carol (not her real name) that I’m sure you will benefit from because it’s one of the most common cases that actually happens in a relationship.
Now, again, do take note that EVERY situation is UNIQUE and DIFFERENT. So don’t read this and say that it doesn’t apply to your situation, because the truth is that no two situations are exactly the same.
So you need to understand that what I’m sharing with you here is that while your situation is definitely different and unique from Carol’s, the principles governing why a relationship goes south is the same.
Why People Leave Relationships
So what you need to understand is this – People leave a relationship mainly because of one of two reasons:
1) They are not happy in the relationship
2) They are not feeling the way they want to feel in the relationship
In Carol’s case, her ex is certainly not happy in the relationship.
When Carol first came to me, her situation was where she was ignored by her ex and it had reached a point where her ex has resentment towards her.
So as I probed further about her situation, I found out that she had been too “controlling and emotional” in her relationship with her ex.
This made her ex feel suffocated and that it made her ex unable to tolerate her anymore and so broke up with her.
After the break up, she had constantly begged and even threatened to kill herself, but that didn’t work.
As you can tell, such things don’t work to get your ex back. If anything, it will only repel them even more because it will make your ex see you as someone unstable.
So when Carol told me this, I made her understand something really important: People get in relationships because they want to FEEL GOOD.
If the relationship didn’t make the person feel good or happy, then the relationship will surely end sooner or later if nothing is done.
Basically Carol had turned from someone who was very attractive in personality and mindset, to someone she didn’t want.
The reason her ex got together with her was because her ex in the beginning linked pleasure to how she was back then. And she mentioned that when they both first got together, she certainly wasn’t emotional or even controlling.
In fact, she was a really happy spirit and was very positive. But as the relationship went on, she started to have EXPECTATIONS of her ex and when it didn’t go the way she wanted, she started to get upset, angry and negative.
This turned her into an emotional and controlling person. She felt she was ENTITLED to certain actions of her ex, like she expected her ex to message her more, show more love, show more care, and basically give her attention to the level SHE wants.
But what she failed to realise was that everything in the relationship was about HER and not the both of them.
She wanted things her way without considering about her ex. She wanted her ex to keep giving in the relationship to her, without her doing anything to give back.
Needless to say, such a relationship will never work out in the long run because a relationship is about two people. So if actions shows only concern for yourself, then it’s no surprise the relationship will go south.
Ask yourself in your own relationship these few questions:
1) Had you always looked at your ex with expectations rather than appreciation for him/her?
2) Were you only concerned about how you felt, and not actually thought for your ex on how he/she might have felt?
3) What was different about you when you first got together with your ex, compared to how you were towards the end of the relationship?
4) Was there anything that you could have done differently in how you handled the interactions with your ex that might possibly change the outcome of your relationship?
Perception Affects The Relationship
What many people do not realise is that the break up is almost always due to the perception that you give to your ex.
At the start of the relationship, you most certainly have UNKNOWINGLY given a very positive perception to your ex to make him/her feel so good towards you that made them want to get together with you in the first place.
But as time passes in the relationship, things change, and you changed. And that made your ex have a change of perception towards you as well.
And with that change of perception, you no longer are the same person that your ex first fell in love with in their eyes.
So if you want to win your ex back, you need to understand how to shape this perception towards your ex again to let him/her see the positive side of you.
And that’s exactly what has happened with Carol.
The Plan That Helped Carol Get Her Ex Back
So upon hearing Carol’s situation, I gave her a plan that would GRADUALLY help her ex change his perception towards her again.
Note: It’s very important to understand that getting your ex back is a process, and not a magical quick fix.
When perception has been changed in your ex’s mind towards you, it will take time to change that perception back because your ex DON’T believe that you can change back to who you were that easily, or even at all.
So during this whole time, even though you show your ex that you are a different person, it will take time for him to really sink it in and realise that you have really changed.
The formula for changing a perception is to carry out actions to let your ex view you positively over a SUSTAINED period of time.
So because the very last impression that Carol gave her ex was a very negative one, where she was suicidal, emotional, controlling and unstable, we need to negate that impression quickly.
With that, I worked with Carol to come up with a letter to send to her ex.
Basically, the letter is about her acknowledging her ex’s concerns, apologising for some of her specific behaviours, and then letting her ex know that she agrees with him. What this does is that it validates her ex’s thoughts and concerns about her and the relationship.
And at the end of the letter, I got Carol to express her gratitude to her ex for having been with her.
This letter is very psychological and very strategic.
We did not mention at all that she has now changed. This is important because you can’t tell someone you have change. They have to experience it.
If you tell your ex you have changed, the subconscious response to that is “are you sure?”. That will only serve to make your ex more guarded towards you.
And the only reason you will say that is because you want your ex back, and your ex WILL KNOW that. So it is actually harming your chances.
So with this letter, it was strategic in the sense that nothing about her mentioning she has changed or wanting to get back with him.
We want to use these words to let her ex think on his own to realise that she has changed. This is so much more infinitely powerful because it’s planting a psychological seed in him that he will go “I think she has changed…”
What that immediately does is that it breaks the pattern in which her ex has towards her.
After immediately sending the letter, she informed me of this:
As you can see, immediately her ex’s response became positive and that lowered her guard.
From there onwards, I told her to be consistent in her action towards her ex to consistently let him feel positive towards her.
While she faced lots of ups and downs along the way, she was determined to carry out the strategy I gave her.
And it certainly was not easy because she was really tested by her own thoughts and emotions. The hardest thing to win your ex back isn’t the strategy or your situation, but it’s YOUR mindset.
If you cannot keep your mind positive throughout the whole process, and be able to really manage your emotions, then it’s going to be really difficult to win your ex back.
A couple of months after carrying out the strategy, Carol sent me this email:
Carol finally reunited with her ex again.