Why did your break up happen? It you really think about it, it’s only because your ex has a negative perception of you. Because if your ex still think positively towards you, then he/she wouldn’t have broken up with you in the first place.
Think back to your relationship. If you were to compare how your relationship was like at the beginning with how it was towards the end, I’m sure you would find a huge contrast in the way the relationship dynamics have changed.
At the start, you two were probably more loving. You were more loving. Whatever your ex told you to do, you would do without questioning and would even be so glad to do it!
But towards the end of the relationship, things have changed, haven’t they?
You’ve probably become more hesitant to do the things you once were so eager to do at the start of the relationship. Also, more quarrels, disagreements, arguments and fights start to set in. Instead of being happy together with you, your ex seemed to become more and more discontented with you.
So, how did your ex’s perception of you change from positive to negative along the way?
You Have Changed
Now this may come as a surprise to you but, it’s either you have changed, or the perception that you have given your ex at the start of the relationship has changed.
Think about it for a moment. I want you to think back to what you were like at the start of the relationship and also what you were like towards the end of the relationship.
Do you see a difference?
Chances are that back then you were much more patient, more loving, more supportive, less jealous and so on.
Basically you were the “perfect” partner for your ex, or at least it seems so from the point of view of your ex. Because if you weren’t, he wouldn’t have gotten together with you in the first place.
But as time went by, you started to become less patient, less loving, more angry and possible even more critical of your ex.
Here’s what some of my clients have said when I asked them to compare the difference between how they were at the start of the relationship, and how they were at the end of the relationship:
“The me my ex fell in love with was more independent and I spent more time with my friends. I did not call him or message him all the time.The me he broke up with was becoming more dependent on him. I wanted to spend most of my time with him. I basically found myself becoming more needy and clingy. And I also became very critical of him as time went by. This would cause lots of argument and quarrels between us.In conclusion, the big difference is that I was more independent and less angry when he fell in love with me.“
As you can see from the above, my client had clearly changed as time went by. The fights became more frequent and she would become really critical of her ex. This made her ex link lots of “pain” to being with her, and eventually breakup happened.
Here’s what another client of mine said:
” The me that she fell in love with was compassionate, caring, put her first, wrote her love notes even if they were small. He would do anything to spend time with her.
He would always text her and was happy just to be in her presence. He would do anything for her and was always there for her. He made plans for the future with her.
The me that she broke up with was selfish, put his need above hers. He was lazy, inconsistent, got bad grades constantly, texted her but it was usually the same things and sometimes he would even ignore her.
He wanted sex or to fool around with her all the time and got upset when it didn’t happen. Instead of holding her close he pushed her away in hopes that she would pull him close, but she pushed away instead.
He still cared about her and he would still do anything for her or to be with her. He feared change, but things did change within the relationship. He let his emotions get the best of him. “
As you can see, my client realised how much he has changed after being together with his ex. He had taken his ex for granted and started to get upset more often. And he attributed it to him being unable to control his emotions and therefore it got the better of him. This led his ex to now have a very negative perception of him.
So, why is it that you have changed?
You Have Expectations of Your Ex
While it is not wrong to have a certain expectation of your ex, you should have let your ex know about it early in the relationship to avoid such conflicts from happening.
At the start, you were probably pretty easy-going and you were pretty much okay with everything because you two were in the “honeymoon” phase.
But as time went by, you want more things out of your ex. You expect your ex to say they love you more, to do things that show that they care for you, and many more.
Now, this is definitely not wrong, but HOW you actually handle it could potential affect your relationship.
For example, if you expected your ex to show love for you every day or spend more time with you every day, you must NOT get angry when your ex did not.
For your ex, it is possible to show love for you more often or make time to hang out with you more often, but it might not mean he or she is able to do it every day.
Then, that is where problems might arise.
This is because your ex might have a different expectation of you. While you may expect your ex to spend more time with you, your ex might also expect you to understand that he/she might be busy because of work or study and expect you not to get angry.
So, if you get angry in that instance, your ex could also get angry as well and that’s where a small matter becomes a huge argument.
Another example is when your ex starts to hang out with friends of the opposite sex.
Many of my clients break up because of their exes hanging out with the opposite sex. On one end, you expect your ex to not hang out with the opposite sex at all because you don’t feel comfortable, but on the other end, your ex expects you to trust him/her that he/she won’t do anything and that they are just platonic friends.
So, when this happens, you get angry and your ex gets angry and things get blown out of proportion.
Now that you know that your ex has a negative perception of you, how do you change this perception to a positive one?
Step 1: Regain Back Your True Self
Whenever I ask my clients to look back to the beginning of the relationship and also just prior to being in the relationship with their ex, and ask them whether they would envision themselves to become the person they were at the end of the relationship, they would almost say that they wouldn’t have believed that they had become that person.
My clients would say:
“That was definitely not me”
“I know I’m not that person at the end of the relationship”
“I’m shocked that I became that person”
“I would never have imagined that I would become that person”
So here’s the good news: You really aren’t like that.
That was just a part of you, and definitely not who you are. That character that you portrayed at the end of the relationship was just a part of you.
And just like changing car gears, you can choose which side you wish to show at any given time.
All it takes is to really understand what you want to become and what is the perception you want your ex and others to have of you.
Remember that you already have the qualities that attracted your ex to you. All you have to do is bring it out!
Step 2: Reconnect With Your Ex In A Positive Way
Chances are right now your ex probably doesn’t want to talk with you or possibly even blocked. If that’s the case, you certainly do not want to message your ex to say you still want and love him/her.
That will do nothing but push your ex even further away from you.
Instead, you want to thank them and let them know that you had been thinking about what you had done in the past and that if you were in their shoes, you would have acted in the same way.
What this will do is to let your ex’s guard down because it will be the opposite of what your ex would have expected you to do.
When you tell your ex this, your ex will actually get curious and wonder whether you have changed, but of course he/she may still be skeptical. But that is perfectly fine because with time, your ex will slowly change his opinion about you, as long as you do not bombard him/her with messages.
Step 3: Be Patient
Right now you have already done your part. If your ex messages you back, that will be great. You don’t want to be too excited and immediately start to smother your ex back with messages hoping to reignite the love you once had.
Instead, you want to take it easy and then let a couple of days to a week pass before getting in touch with them again with a positive text regarding a topic that interests him/her.
But if your ex does not message you back, that means that he/she is still not ready to have you communicating with him/her.
If this is the case, don’t worry. Stay calm and confident still because you’ve already changed and regained back your true self, remember?
If after a couple of weeks there is still no reply from your ex, you can drop him/her another message.
Step 4: Link Pleasure In Your Ex Towards You
We all do things out of 2 main reasons:
- To move away from pain
- To move towards pleasure
The reason your ex got together with you in the first place was because your ex linked pleasure towards you. But towards the end of the relationship, your ex started to link pain towards you and this eventually led to your breakup.
So, to let your ex change his/her negative perception of you, it’s important to let your ex link pleasure towards you. Here are a few ways to do so:
1) Motivate, encourage and let your ex feel good about himself/herself when talking to you.
2) Compliment and validate your ex whenever you have the chance in the conversation.
3) Be very polite and friendly
4) Let your ex view you as very positive. People love happy people.
5) Be your ex’s source of strength and support.
6) Keep the conversation light and fun always
7) Do NOT argue or get into a quarrel.
8) Absolutely NO serious talks about the relationship and whatsoever.
All these will get your ex to link pleasure towards you over time. And you have to be very consistent in doing the above.
Imagine that your ex is holding an empty cup. Each time you link pleasure to your ex, that cup will be filled little by little. And each time you make your ex link pain to you, that cup will be emptied. Your goal is to make that cup overflow.
Remember, all you need to do is to get your ex to have a positive perception towards you is to start doing and saying things that are positive.
Positivity is Attractive. So the first step to getting your ex back is to change your ex’s negative perception of you into a positive one.
Then from there, you can start to attract your ex and win his/her heart back.
Hi. My boyfriend and I broke up because we were always fighting for nothing and he said im too dramatic and thinks we will never work and we will eventially get divorced at some point if we marry. I tried to beg him to come back and he did come back. He was very sweet and said he still loves me but I can feel that he is still not consistent. Although he messages me everyday to ask how I am but we are not having that much conversation like before. I don’t know what I should do and we are not going out because of this Corona thing. So I really dont know. Maybe he still doesnt trust me that Ive changed and that I can be nice. I think he is still afraid that I will overthink again and pick up a fight again and become dramatic. What should I do? I cannot ask him because he might think I am oing to fight again. How do I get him to become so in love with me again like before?
Thank you for these suggestions. It helped me to get my ex back once. Then I forgot to leave comment here. But my biggest mistake was that I made the same mistakes which lead to the first break up … second time. Somehow I got lazy on changing myself. I was needy and extremely jealous. I begun therapy after first break up, because the reason for my jealousy was traumatic relationship experience in past, but i didn’t make such a big progress and didn’t learn good enough to control my emotions which is particulary difficult in our long distance period. I hope that these suggestions will work second time. I tried also radio silence period, but it just made things worse – my boyfriend started looking for new relationship and got ice cold to me after no contact period. I have had few relationships in past but i never loved anyone like him in my life, never felt so connected. That is why i want to change myself and i wish to persuade him to give 3rd chance but i still haven’t found aproach. If we manage I promise that i will do as much as i can to keep relationships healthy and stay together.
BUT THE MAIN THING IS….SHE HAS BLOCKED ME. I HAVE NO OTHER WAY TO CONTACT HER. EVEN HER FRIENDS ARE NOT/CANT HELP ME OUT.
Ryan MacDonald says
If not for your writing this topic could be very cotluvoned and oblique.