One moment your ex is hot and the next moment your ex is cold. One moment they are showing interest in you, and the next moment they act like a total stranger to you.
I’ve had many comments from my readers recently about such mixed signals given off by your ex.
Your ex suddenly contacts you and asks you how you are, but when you reply out of pure politeness (thinking that your ex might want to get back together), then your ex suddenly “disappears and never replies back.
Have you ever experienced this before? If you have, don’t worry because you’re not alone.
So, what is exactly on your ex’s mind? Why are they suddenly interested in you one moment and totally shut off the next?
Are they interested in you or are they just trying to play mind games? You get very fed up and you get confused with all these mixed signals that your ex is giving out. So, why are they doing all these?
Let’s uncover them here and let’s go deep into the mind of your ex to find out what these mixed signals mean and how you can deal with it.
But before we dive into what these mixed signals mean, let’s first analyze what exactly is a mixed signal.
What Is A Mixed Signal?
A mixed signal is basically any communication and/or action that contradicts or is not congruent with a former behavior. Some are harmful and some are harmless. The key is to identifying which is harmful and which is harmless.
Here are some mixed signals that are not related to relationships:
- Someone declares that he hates to eat peanuts, but immediately goes to the store, grab a packet of peanuts and eat it.
- When driving a car, you say that you want to turn left when you mean to turn right.
- When approached by a sales person, instead of rejecting him saying you are not interested, you tell him that you will come back later to find him but you don’t.
- You say you will join a fitness program next week, but when next week comes, you don’t.
- You make a new year’s resolution that you will do certain things and accomplish it by the end of the year. But by the end of the year, you are no different from where you started.
Does any of these resonate with you? I’m sure it does because without realizing it, you too give some mixed signals.
So, why do people (including yourself) give off mixed signals every day?
Mixed signals happen for several reasons:
- It is meant to confuse someone
- It is meant to get a deliberate outcome out of someone
- It is unintentional and/or the former action was forgotten
- The consequence of the former action was realized and regretted
So let’s go into each one of them in detail.
To Confuse Someone
This is often used by magicians, tricksters, con-artists and pick-up artists. The whole idea is for the person who use these mixed signals to confuse and manipulate another person’s mind.
Magicians like to call this “misdirection”. This is where you intentionally let your subject focus on certain areas so you can do something else in another area without your subject realizing it.
For example, magicians like to turn his head towards his right hand and start talking about his right hand and moving it, while discreetly hiding or bringing an object out using his left hand.
This way all your attention will be directed towards his right hand. Why? Because he is looking at his right hand, that’s where you naturally focus your attention to as well.
And the moment you look at his right hand, the “trick” is done with his left hand. And when he re-emerges with his left hand with some other object, you become amazed because it seems like “magic” to you.
But had you focused on his left hand from the start, you would notice that he had quickly moved his hand to grab an object for the trick.
Tricksters and Con-artists also give mixed signals to confuse their subjects.
For example, they will come across as very sincere and honest to you. Everything they say will make you think that they are really looking out for your best interest. But once you give them the money, you never hear from them again.
Pick-up artists are also experts at this. They use mixed signals all the time to confuse women and easily get them to fall in love with them.
Basically what pick-up artists do is appeal to women’s interest and consistently shower them with affection and attention. At this point, the girl may not necessarily have strong emotions for them as yet, but once the pick-up artist deliberately “pulls” away, the lady is left panicking in many cases and suddenly realizes her strong feelings for the pick-up artist.
This form of “mixed signal” has been used for centuries and is very effective in confusing the girl because she will identify the “pulling” away as an issue of her self-worth. She will suddenly feel that she is “not wanted” and has been “rejected”.
At this point, the girl without realizing, has “fallen in love” with the guy but when in actual fact, she was unconsciously just wanting to not be “rejected” or “unwanted”. So when the pick-up artist finally appears again, it would be so easy to be with the girl.
If you are able to relate with what I just said, then chances are you had fallen “victim” to such tricks.
To Get A Deliberate Outcome
In the pick-up artist scenario above, you can see that that it was also to get a deliberate outcome out of the girl. The deliberate outcome was probably to sleep with the girl or possibly get into a relationship with her.
In either case, it was meticulously engineered to achieve the desired outcome.
Another group of people that tend to use mixed signals to get deliberate outcome are scientists. They would often design experiments that utilize mixed signals to get their deliberate outcome – which is to learn more about something.
For example, in an experiment to see brain activity, scientists would reward monkeys with blackberry juice whenever they touch the lever upon seeing colored shapes appear on a computer monitor.
As the monkey got used to getting the blackberry juice in upon pulling the lever, it always expected that action of pulling the lever to associate with the reward of blackberry juice.
However, once the monkey got used to getting the blackberry juice, the scientist would then mix up the reward by sometime giving water and other times nothing to drink at all.
By utilizing mixed signals, scientists can learn more about monkey’s behavior and the power of habits.
Unintentional And/Or Forgotten Actions
This is when the mixed signals given off was unintentional. A good example is when you tell a salesman that you are interested but you have no time to speak with him now.
So, you tell him that you will come back later once you settle some stuff. However, after settling your stuff or finishing running your errands, you forgot that you had promised the sales person that you would be back.
You have now given him a mixed signal, making him think you are interested and saying that you will get back to him but instead left him waiting and wondering why you said that you would return when you didn’t.
Such mixed signals are very common and are purely unintentional.
Consequence Of Former Action Was Realized And Regretted
Often times, we make decisions without actually thinking of the consequences.
For example, you might be on a diet and you declare that you will not eat ice-cream for a year. But one day when you walked past an ice-cream parlor and it was selling a special ice-cream flavor that was only available that day.
Without thinking, you immediately went up to the cashier to order a big cup of ice-cream. However, upon ordering the ice-cream, the sudden realization hit you that you were supposed to be on a diet.
So, you quickly tell the person at the cashier that you would like to cancel the order. When this happens, you have given a mixed signal only because you realize the consequence of your actions.
Demystifying Your Ex’s Mixed Signals
Right now, your ex is probably giving you lots of mixed signals and that’s why you are reading this article right now.
So, how do you determine what the mixed signals mean?
The key is to put yourself in your ex’s mind and use the elimination method with regards to the 4 possible reasons listed above.
Here’s an example from one of my client’s situation:
My client had broken up with her ex for nearly 6 months. The reason for the break up was because the ex had decided to go back with the ex but they remained good friends despite the breakup.
However, as time went by, he slowly stopped talking to her and the messages became lesser and lesser to the point where she had to initiate contact with the guy.
So, there are times where the ex would get excited over a message of hers but suddenly became distant and cold the next day.
She was so confused as to what he wanted. He then suddenly messaged her out of the blue, asking her to hang out together on the weekend.
So, she went out with him and they had a great time going to the carnival. Things were great and she mentioned that during the meetup, he seemed very interested in her almost as if they two were already back together.
The next day, she thought all was well and messaged him to thank him for the fun night out, but instead of the expected enthusiastic reply, he replied “Okay.”
So, she asked him whether everything was okay and he just replied “Not really.” After which, she asked if he wanted to talk it out and he just messaged “No”.
She messaged him again to ask more about him but he stopped replying since then.
It was as if the earlier meetup never happened. He went from a warm and happy person the night before to a cold and distant one. It was a 180 degree change in attitude.
If it were you, what do you make of such a situation?
So, I told her to use the elimination method on identifying which is the most likely cause of his mixed signals.
Let’s look at the 4 options again:
- It is meant to confuse someone
- It is meant to get a deliberate outcome out of someone
- It is unintentional and/or the former action was forgotten
- The consequence of the former action was realized and regretted
Did her ex do this to deliberately confuse her? Well, she was definitely confused but it didn’t make sense for her ex to confuse her. Why? Because it wouldn’t do him any good.
By confusing her,she would only harass him more and I don’t think that’s what he wanted. So, we can rule this option out.
Did he do this to get a deliberate outcome out of her? Possibly, but what sort of outcome did he want? Was it to get back with her? If it was, then he could have easily have her because he knows that she still has feelings for him.
So, why suddenly become cold and distant? And if the outcome was to get him out of her mind, he shouldn’t have asked her out in the first place.
Did he do this unintentionally or was it that the former action was forgotten? Definitely not unless he has Alzheimer’s. And having a fun night out like that is simply not going to be forgotten by him for a long time.
After all he was so happy and even acted like they two were back in a relationship together.
So, the only logical explanation left would be that her ex had realized the consequences of his actions and regretted it.
Chances are that he is right now very confused himself. He has a girlfriend currently and yet he went out at night to have a great time with his ex – which is her.
It’s possible that the moment he went home, his girlfriend found out and gave him hell for it, which explains the sudden distance and coldness by him.
In his heart, he probably still has feelings for her, but was brought back to reality when his girlfriend confronted him about it. Then his sudden change in attitude would make sense.
Harmful Reason For Mixed Signals – Sex
More often than not, this only happens for girls because men would do anything to satisfy their sexual needs.
Knowing that you are still in love with them, they would feign interest in you or mislead you to get you to sleep with them.
This is the most harmful reason for mixed signals and I strongly caution you to be alert about this.
If your ex suddenly messages you out of the blue to meet up with them at their place, there is a chance that they just want to sleep with you.
One thing to take note is not to mistake wanting sex with you to be the same as wanting you back.
Wanting sex is just to satisfy their sexual urge and has nothing to do with wanting you back and many women fall prey to this.
When you do this, it will only make your ex think that you can be “friends with benefit”. If you want your ex back, you cannot give him sex at this point unless he fully commits to you and is back with you in a relationship.
I’ve had many clients who tell me that their ex had sex with them only to disappear afterwards. So I hope you do not land yourself in the same situation.
How To Handle Mixed Signals
The way to handle mixed signals is to go with the flow. For example, in the situation I described earlier where my client’s ex became cold and distant suddenly, I told her to stop messaging him and leave him alone.
When the time is right, he will reach out to her again. And while waiting for him to get back to you, I got her to use a few psychological tactics to get his ex to see what he was missing out on.
Soon after, her ex did contact her after a few weeks and asked her out again. Fast forward to four months after that incident, they are now back together again and their relationship is stronger than ever.
You see, when your ex suddenly withdraws, you have to respect their withdrawal and not hunt them down asking them tons of questions and harassing them. That way, you are only pushing them further away. So, what you should do is be mature with it and let your ex see a different side of you.
People make decisions based on two things:
- To move away from pain
- To move towards pleasure
Once your ex realizes that you are pleasure, your ex will slowly but surely be attracted to you again.
The only other time where you do not want to go with the flow is when your ex wants sex from you.
For example, if your ex is constantly nudging you to have sex with him when you are at his place, I want you to say this to him:
“I understand how you feel but right now I’m confused. I think it’s better we don’t sleep with each other until we have decided where we stand. I respect you and I’m sure you respect me too, right?”
After that, you smile and you give him a big hug and then make an excuse to leave.
This will put him in an awkward position and he has to either re-affirm that he wants to be with you or he will start realizing that he has to be with you in order to sleep with you.
By doing this, you will make him desire you more and chase you.
In general, if you are faced with a mixed signal and don’t know what to do, the first thing is to identify his intention by using the elimination process I taught you earlier.
Next, once you have identified the most possible reason, go with the flow of what your ex is doing. If your ex is distancing himself/herself, let them do it. And you patiently wait and be supportive of them doing so.
If they suddenly blame you or get mad with you for some reason, resist the urge to argue with them and instead agree with them and apologize. When that happens, your ex’s anger suddenly got doused out and they may even say that they themselves are at fault too.
So, what kind of mixed signals have you dealt with? I’d love to hear your experiences. So please do leave a comment below.
lexie says
So my partner and I broke up about 2 months a go.. actually to the day. It was horrible.. I did things .. acted as I had never before. I lost my cool with him after not really giving myself the space I needed to heal. We got illegally evicted from our home, the landlord was a tyrant, super controling and would later find out him and his girlfriend were involved in an S&M relationship that used control not just in the bedroom, but had its way in effecting the relationship we had with them as a result. We got evicted when we were out of the city, which we were most of the time because of the energy in that house. So we decided lets makes a good situation out of a bad. We bought an RV and traveling out east. It was great until it wasn’t. We were good 95% of the time… and the only time we werent was when alcohol was involved.
We finally had our last fight, and boy was it physical. He threw something at my, I punched him and then him and his friend stomped me to the ground. It was really awful. That moment was a clear indication how much we both needed to stop drinking, and needed serious space to do the healing we needed. We had some seriously deep rooted issues that needed to be addressed, and drinking wasnt going to make things better, but in fact heighten the trigger response. So I went with my mom and he stayed at that place. He just dropped off the face of the planet… it was so hard because he was/is my best friend. We sometimes spoke on facebook, but I felt this cold distance from him… and truth is found at from friends the things he was saying, which some true, but one particular detail just wasn’t. That detail would be the reason I would have my face smashed in by one of his friends.
But being me, and the journey I have been on in my life, I rather use compassion then to continue letting myself feel rage. Not so long a go he reached out. And we got together, it felt like it did before, natural, lovely. I really dont hold on to things so honestly I was just happy to be there with him. We ended up sleeping together and it was fantastic, we got together again a few days later and again, and its been every few days. We made an agreement to try to move forward, put the past behind us and just move forward. One minute he’s talking about being in something with me, and how he is not seeing anyone, to the next where he thinks we should just be friends. He’s explained he’s worried about ruining my life, or that he’s not good enough for me. Obviously I put his mind at ease. We had a very co-dependent relationship and now we are trying to do it the right way this time.
All seems great, but now I’ve just started this new job, its a job many men wouldn’t necessarily agree upon… I know I dont have to worry about that with him as his mom is in the industry. So he has a much more open perspective. But now… I mean even when we were having sex, he was talking dirty to me and saying things like “I’m gonna be your gigalo” and talking about all the things i can buy for him… but now that he knows I have this job, there is this part in me that is worried… that maybe he’s gonna be using me just for getting stuff.
We talk then he disappears, he acts weird… and then I feel unusual about reaching out. I finally just said screw this I’m moving on. I had a date with another guy that I wasnt too sure if I should go, as my ex and I spoke about not seeing other people so out of respect. But now, I just decided to go for the thing. While I was out he called me 17 times. I got a text from him telling me how much he wants to be with me, yadda yadda yadda…. and so I left the date, went home and spoke to him.. him asking to come over, but i said its too late, that we can meet the following day when we were both well rested…. The next day comes, and apparently he didn’t have enough sleep. could meet that evening because he was too tired. and in fact stringing me along making me think we were going to get together… but then falling asleep….
I didn’t hear from him for another 2 days, and course he wants to come over, and yes we slept together… but now its just the same thing… again and again… but now because I told him about my new line of work, has asked about going to cuba together…. but I just don’t know…. I have a feeling he is expecting me to pay… and that is a horrid feeling(well no not all so bad). He has been struggling and he knows no matter what I will help support him in any way that I can, but now I just am worried if I’m just being used for sex and money…
aand I really dont want that. He spoke about going and doing his own traveling this summer by himself. Thats fine it just is kind of confusing. I asked if he would be sleeping with other people… and he told me… “you are, so why can’t I?” with me its work, its not something I’m really doing as a choice, i have school, bills, my dad to look after. I’m doing this temporarily then getting out once all the cash is earned to get myself and my family back in order.
I just dont feel like when i reach out to him… he goes from being good, to not. It has nothing to do with the new profession, as I said he is very open minded to that and stated if he could do the same he would… as a female. There is this huge part of me… I just am having a hard time trusting him, trusting his intention. Or maybe its me that … well what we had, that co-dependency.. maybe he’s just trying really hard not to let himself sink back into that… and I clearly am.
I just I dont know, I feel like this relationship is perfect. May not seem to others… but with what I have with him, him even being supportive with my field and saying I can practice with him… rather then being repulsed…. is what I’m getting at. Like even the sex we have, things that Ive never felt comfortable and open enough to share with others… he’s my yang to my ying… our sexual fantasy’s fit so well. We both have a great combination of the feminine and masculine energy…
Fuck I just I know I’m gonna have to hold myself back, which is incredibly hard with him. We are just brutally and beautifully honest with each other… I guess I’m just scared there is some other hidden prorogative. Or maybe this really is just teaching me about not being so co-dependent on my partner… which for as long as I have been dating, I totally have been.. I would talk to that partner, whomever for any given time every day. I guess its just a new way and its gonna take some adjusting to.
Yehudit says
I’m about to be 14, yes I am young but I am extremely mature. My mom has a really close friend who moved to our neighborhood this past summer with her family. She has one son that is 15, and another son that is also about to be 14. I was texting both of them before they moved because i knew we would be family friends once they moved and I would have to get along with them. I was talking to the older one more often until eventually he told me that he liked me. We were exclusively dating , and everything was going fine. He moved here with his family towards the end of the summer. We decided not to tell our parents because it would just make everything more awkward. He said that he loved me and one time who admitted that he wanted our relationship to last until marriage. I am a very closed off person, and I told him this when we first liked each other. I don’t fully trust anyone, not even my family and friends, but with him, life was so much easier. He had a hard life too and he said that being with me made him a different person, a better person. I trusted him fully since the moment that I met him. When he told me that he loved me I wasn’t scared at all, I loved him too. We truly made each other better. We loved each other. Then one night he texted me and said that his dad was snooping through his phone so we should keep it low key for a while. Then later that night he said that his dad told him that he should take it slow . The he started jumping around from taking it slow, to taking a break, to still being friends. I was really confused but we left that night a blur. For the next few days we just talked normally. Then about a week later we confirmed that we had broken up and he asked if we could still be friends because, in his words, I was an amazing person and friend to him and he didn’t want to lose that. It’s been over a month now and we rarely talk. despite the fact that I see him at almost any family gathering plus most weekends, but I try to avoid him because I think it’s easier. He recently has been sending me mixed signals such as, an anonymous message saying “ready for our first date when you are”, and ” mezmerized by your beauty”, and during our conversation the other day he said ” you looked really nice Wednesday night”. So I don’t know what to do and I need help. (on one hand i want ti fix things with him because i really love him, and on the other hand i want to never see him again because he broke my heart and put me through so much confusion. but right now I don’t even know what he is thinking.)
Ash says
Hi ,
My ex boyfriend and I were in long distance relationship for over year. Then due distances and differences he just break up then moved on to new relationship. Then begun no contact he gave mixed signals that he missed me. Then one day I called him but then his new dating girlfriend called and asked me not to call him. Then he called explaining me in anger way then after few days I reached again he said he has nothing to do with me. Few angry texts messages and said I won’t bother him.
Then since we are in some family what’s app Group.
I’m really confused whether. I should get him back or move on.
Claudette says
My God I am so confused but kinda at the end of the bull shit game I been going through.. My story is know different then anyone else who is going through this ,, we’ll Three years back matter a fact my 3 year mark is coming February 28th he probably don’t even remember ,, The no contact thing he dose all the time to control me and it worked many many times to many I lost count of ,, we’ll just about a week back we talked Monday we made plans to see each other Tuesday now mind you he is the type that if you are not there when he says ..no matter if stuff happens to maybe make you a little late .witch that morning I woke up not feeling so good & he wanted me to leave my house buy 7am or don’t come or call nothing ,so I feel back to sleep ..like I said i was not feeling good,, I texted when I woke explainin why.. then called he said he call back , he didn’t.. so I waited a day called no answer finally he did to yell over me as he dose ,, can’t you see i don’t want nothing to do with you hung up and now nothing … see i am being honest we wore fine no fighting just me not doing what he wanted .. childish write ? Maybe I should not be on here cause it’s people wanting there ex back & I am not shore if I do , Go for it and try I hope ur ex takes u back and you end up together for ever… Trust me they will most likely come back .most of the time and for me it only has gotten worse .. he makes me feel like everything is me that goes wrong I have the problem, I am the reason we can’t grow ..the sick thing for years i believed him , know he’s the problem he is all those things he says I am. I am not perfect in know way but sh**t I tried to please him always saying sorry and blaming my self and crying know more ,, I am a great hearted person who loves life I have put my self in such a funk stoped caring bout me to put him 1st when he never put me 1st ,, never cared how I felt & worse he never did not one thing for any of my birthdays witch I always thought of him ,, sorry I am so mad at my self I wasted three years on tearing my self apart for a Man to not give a f**ck … Done like my self know love my self and yes he will contact me I know and yours will to .. love your self and heal and really truly ask ur self is this is worth it ? don’t you want some one to try for you as hard as you tried to keep your ex or win back someone who don’t truly care ,, I want that someone to fight for me , cry and want me back and truly love me .. And some times its not your ex you truly want at least I can say for me it’s the thought of being alone not having a body to hold to fight with everything that comes with a relationship,.. it’s been a week going on two I know him he will call part of me wants him to & part hopes he don’t I am going to be OK if he don’t I love him and care but love my self more .. wish he could change he won’t as I said each time we got back together it got worse when we fought even if I had no clue we wore fighting or why it don’t matter.. if you love something let free and if it was truly yours it will come back to you ..
Sahara says
I broke up with my boyfriend because i felt he was keeping our relationship a secret. He chased me for a year and came to my rescue as my friend through a break up, during that time , I refused to be anything but friends with him, I’m not casual, or the rebound type. We talked a lot as friends through the course of the last 7 months. He knew I was not the friend with benefits type, i explained to him that I get emotionally attached in an intimate relationship. The first few months I would go see him at his place once a week or so, he liked going out on the weekends with his buddies and I was ok with that, but it was every weekend, and I found myself alone doing nothing every weekend, I told him i didnt like that he was out getting wasted every weekend for days on end and I thought it was best if we didn’t see each other anymore, he was sorry and stopped drinking, it became a very intimate relationship, where I would see him a few times a week at his place, he never took me out, or on dates, . He seemed as though he was also enjoying the closeness we shared. I noticed even after he stopped drinking, we still did not go anywhere in public. Finally one Friday I was supposed to give him a ride after work and he completely blew me off. I went out, I invited him to go , he acted like he didn’t even know me when he did come in, it hurt my feelings really bad, I broke up with him in a rage over text. I got tired of always being left behind, I regret breaking up especially via text, I have heard from him since then, with a text saying I would always have his friend ship even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, and he doesn’t know how it will be , but if we could see each other this week that would be great….. I’m not sure what this implies. I just don’t want to get that hurt again, I miss him, and I want to get back together. I just can’t only sleep with someone a couple days a week and nothing g more. I wanthink to go no contact, but I’m afraid to lose him. Since the break up, minus the first week where I cried everyday, I doing well. I ride my horses, have picnics with friends been going out a lot and I look and feel better. I didn’t need him to spend every weekend, but a dinner or night out here and there would be nice.
Khai says
Is that you Liberty?.. I’m sorry if it wasn’t, my apologies. Your story reminded of how my relationship was with her, although instead of going out every weekend to get wasted, I was chained to my studies/work so I couldn’t see her as often. I would go on each night through text that I’d assure her that everything would be fine and that we had a secured plan to ohr near future once I obtained my degree… things got a bit hectic and she lost trust in me. She accused me of lie and went on everytime once we made up, reminding herself that I had lied and fake lie. Even though it wasn’t a lie in the first place, I kept apologizing till she couldve realized it. I’m so sorry Liberty but you are in the wrong, and I forgive you. Please make it somehow so she could read this. I miss her so much
Miles says
My fiancee broke up with right before I move accross the country to marry her becuase she know we were not meant to be. Within a week later we were in pleanty of contact and she said she wants to marry me live happily ever after but she wants time away. It has been about a month and whenever we talk she will either say she never wants to fall in love again or will want to talk about marrying me and how amazing it will be all the things we will do together but the time is not yet. Should I cut iff contact with her until whenever the time is ?
Miles says
Also she has never asked me to be a freind and on day 1 I told her that I have no intrest in being just her freind. If she doesnt want to rekindle our relationship to never talk to me again until she does
Avery says
My boyfriend broke up with me about six weeks ago and has only been moved out for three weeks. When he left, he asked that we stay friends and he cares for me deeply and doesn’t want to lose that. He also stated I was his weakness.
I knew right away there was another woman involved of which there still is. I have tried using Nc (no contact) but after a day or two, he reaches out to me or has his young son call me of whom I’ve help raise for the last four years. He also has moments where he is flirtatious and fun as we were before, then he becomes cold.
We ended up spending some time together a few days ago watching a movie. We laughed, played and acted as we always had and one thing led to another and we had sex.
We have talked on the phone and text since then and even flirted the other day, but haven’t discussed what happened. All of a sudden, yesterday we are talking and he suddenly is cold and after saying goodbye, he send me a text goodnight and calls me by my first name. Something he never does.
So I am more confused as to the on and off and where it will all go. I am again back in my NC to get my mind back in a right place.
Alex says
Hi,
My girlfriend left me 2 months ago after 3 years relationship, I did no contact for 1 month and then contact her. Its been 2 weeks now that we talk casually and all our conversation are positive without entering in deep subject like our breakup. She ask how I was doing bla bla bla … 3 days ago I asked her to go for a drink after her exam session and she agreed with the idea. During our casual conversation I was always initiating but she always reply in a manner of minutes. So I decided to stop texting for couple of days to see if she will reach out, she texted me yesterday to tell me if she could come take her washer and dryer this weekend that she left at my place. She still have all our pictures on facebook and she take the time to tell me that she is going to see her mother alone for christmas and that she is going in vacation only with her sister. It seems that she want’s to tell me that she is single and not having anything serious with anyone and she ask me with who am I going in vacation with …
I was starting to thing that she want to reconcile with me but now she want the washer and dryer back but tells me that its not urgent and she doesn’t need it right now …
Can someone explain to me what all this means because I am a bit confuse right now …
Thanks
Janice says
Basically, we had some stress factors in our relationship and on 8/19 he said he wanted to break up with me (which really saddened me) because he thinks keeping up the relationship is too stressful on both of us. From what he was saying (he wanted to try to make it work again once he moved, he still wanted to see me), it seemed to me that he didn’t necessarily want a real break up.
I told him that I love him and suggested that we don’t put so much pressure on seeing each other 2-3 times a week like we were doing until things change (we live 1 hour apart and have busy lives/a lot of responsibility since we both have kids, he’s studying for an exam for work, etc). He agreed he would like to do that instead of breaking up and didn’t suggest it himself because he didn’t think I would be ok seeing him less. By things changing, I mean when his exam is done (5 months) or when he moves closer to me (10 months away). So, we stayed together.
Since then, I’ve been feeling insecure that he would try breaking up with me again. I’m not really sure how he is feeling. We have only seen each other once (8/21) since the near break up. I have no problem seeing each other less in the future when things have normalized, but I just feel unsettled until we spend some more time together post near break up to assure myself things feel ok/right again.
Ok, The Question:
Last Thursday (8/27), without any prodding from me, he suggested we get away for the 4th of Sep weekend. Both of our kids are with the other parent (rare enough on its own, but even more rare that it coincided timing wise). This would be our second out of town weekend together (first one was in Feb). I was thrilled and for a couple of days, it relieved my insecurity. However, over this past weekend he became a lot less responsive (communication wise) than usual. I was supposed to go see him Saturday night, but he said he was sick (started getting sick Thursday) and thought it would be best for me not to come. I talked to him over the phone and he legitimately sounded sick. I offered to go see him last night, but said he promised his son he’d do something with him, since he was sick all weekend and was still feeling a little sick. He said he went to the doctor today and the doctor said he has laryngitis that turned into a bad cold.
My issue is, when things were normal, we would always text good morning and good night to each other, exchange a couple of texts every 3-4 hours throughout the day, etc. Ever since Saturday, I get just 3-4 texts total (not exchanges) from him a day, no good night texts or responses to mine if I send them (saying he fell asleep), and he hasn’t taken me up on coming over. Granted, he is sick. Today, I have gotten only one brief text from him (I’ve sent two). Ever since the near break up, I’ve been careful not to smother him and have tried to kick back, so I mostly let him initiate communication, but I’m also careful to be warm in my responses. Even with the lessened communication, we still tell each other I love you. He mentioned yesterday that he’s looking forward to our trip this weekend.
I’m wondering: do you think he sounds like he’s still interested in being in the relationship? Is he sending mixed signals, or is he just busy and sick? I really just can’t wait to see him this weekend and see how things feel. When I see him Friday, it will have been almost 2 weeks since we last saw each other.
Derrick says
Well my ex girlfriend just broke up with me about one month and half ago, the reasons at the time was something like she didn’t feel the same for me, she kinda lost the interest in my because i was unemployed for 1 year, and the last month we didn’t had sex, she also told me that need to be alone, in the that day she cried and kissed me like a baby while she broke up.
We both dated 4 years, and we had a very strong chemistry between us, all of our mutual friends was surprised when she broke up with me, because we are like the wonder couple, friendly and always joking and playing with wish other.
No 3th people involved in the breakup and was a friendly breakup, we never cheated and something like that. I dont have nothing to point at her nor she have about me.
Well the thing is, after 80 days of LC, almost NC just I broke the NC rule because somethings that she forgot in my house, and was her do text me.
Well yesterday out of blue she text me:
Send me a picture with their lunch attached to the text message saying “The restaurant you talked me about, and we didn’t tried both, my parents just took me today and was you told me is lovely, i just loved the place ”
Well i replyed just saying “yeah i told you its a cool place, hope you enjoyed”
5 hour latter she called me!! i was like , for someone that doesn’t say you nothing about 80 days a call out of the blue was like the twilight zone!!!
“hey how are you doing, sorry for calling you for this but… can you give me your card number (store card), i would like to buy some tickets to the university party and with your card number is cheaper…”
I was like , she didn’t call me for so many days and now call me for a 3 dollars discount, is she crazy or what?? like pretending that everything is ok, she also told me if i wanna come with her and other 3 grils friends of her i could go with her, i just laugh at that proposal and said yes yes sure. I did give her my card number.
After like 15 of that twilight call, she text me again saying, “sorry for calling you for asking for a discount on the tickets, but you know my finances are not so good at the moment, i think you would enjoy the concert 2, i used to listen to that guys when i was a kid in my mother car”
Wish i replied, not sure maybe i will go, i don’t know
wish she replied “tell me if you come and thank you so much for giving me the number ”
After 15 minutes she also liked my last post on facebook, i was in shock, because she ignored my facebook since the day we broke up. And all at the same time text message me, CALL me, facebook activity.
What is happening? i really don´t understand if she wants to test the waters?, in my point of view if she wanted to rethink the relationship she would text me something like “hey i need to talk with you, do you have time?”, or “i really regret the decision i made…” or “i missed you lately”.
But this kind of things i cant understand, what do you think? im starting to moving on (i still love her, true love, i never liked so much any other girl, and for me she is the one… but my heart was ripped off 80 days ago, so i don’t know whats happening with her right now.
Any advice?
Timothy says
Basically, we’ve been broken up since the end of June. A week after we broke up she got with someone else and they’ve been together ever since. Obviously he’s a rebound, she’s made this clear. But they’re still together and she’s stuck to him because he’s picking up after all the slack I left and doing what I wasn’t, and treating her better than I did apparently.
I’ve been trying to go NC from her but somehow we always wind up talking within a week. She called me today and asked if I wanted to come over and talk and go workout. At first I didn’t think it was a good idea, but I decided to go so we could maybe work things out and get some closure. Of course, I still want her back and that’s what I am aiming for, but you know how that goes. Sure enough, we hung out and it was just like old times. Eventually we wound up kissing in her apartment and it went to the bedroom. Long story short, I had sex with her and we both enjoyed it but afterwards we both kind of regretted it. We’re not back together. And she is still with this guy but she’s still showing signs that she misses me even in front of him and they fight about it. WTF does she want? WTF did I do? I feel like an idiot, and she used me. I feel like she knows she can get me whenever she wants, and my role has reversed completely. How can I make this girl get back with me? There’s obviously some sort of hope