You want your ex back badly but there is a problem – your ex is already in another relationship. And it seems that as each day passes, you think that their relationship is growing stronger.
Despite this, you still want to get back with your ex. You have even tried many things to get your ex back but it is not working.
You feel lost and confused. For those of you whose ex immediately got into another relationship after breakup, you might also feel angry because in the back of your mind, you suspect that your ex might have cheated with this new person when he/she was still with you.
Well, I’m here to let you know that there is definitely a chance for you to get your ex to leave his/her new lover, and come back to you. But there’s just one big problem at the moment…
You Are Doing All The Wrong Things
If you want to get your ex to come back to you, you will need to do the right things in order for your ex to want to be with you again. However, right now chances are that you are doing all the wrong things that will not only NOT get your ex back, but can also push your ex further into the arms of his/her new lover.
Here are the things that you should not be doing:
1) Constantly asking about your ex’s new lover. When you do this, you will not only annoy your ex even more but also show your ex that you are very needy and desperate. This is bad because it will let your ex feel that breaking up with you was the right thing to do.
So, asking about your ex’s new lover does nothing to help your situation. In fact, it could make things worse because you might get even more angry and upset in the process and accidentally lash out at your ex.
So, what you are in fact doing is digging your own grave by constantly asking about your ex’s new love.
2) Checking up on your ex on social media sites and seeing the latest updates of his/her new lover. I’m sure you just can’t help yourself here. The temptation is too strong and you just want to “see” what’s up with them and to assess your chances of getting back with your ex.
There is no point doing this because while there might be ups and downs with your ex’s new relationship, that doesn’t mean that you will have an opportunity to get back with your ex if nothing about you has changed.
So, rather than spend the time on checking up on your ex on social media sites, spend that time working on yourself and to prepare yourself to be ready when the opportunity to have a relationship with your ex presents itself again.
It is always better to be prepared and not have the chance, than to have the chance and not be prepared.
3) Reasoning with your ex on that the new lover is not good for him/her. There is no point reasoning at all because when it comes to feelings, you cannot reason with someone into wanting to be with you.
For example, imagine someone whom you totally have no attraction or feelings for comes to you and tells you “hey you should be with me because I have everything you need”. Will you say “Yes! I will love you for the rest of my life!”
Most likely not (For those of you who said yes, please seek therapy!). Love and feelings aren’t something that you reason with. It has to be nurtured through genuine attraction for the person.
Right now, the reason why your ex broke with you is because the attraction is no longer there. So, no matter how you reason with your ex, it will fall on deaf ears. I repeat again – there is no point in reasoning with your ex to leave his/her new lover and come back to you. It will never work.
4) Getting angry with your ex and questioning if he/she had been cheating on you when you two were together. This will single-handedly get your ex to ignore and even block you (if you aren’t already ignored or blocked).
Before you actually plan to ask your ex whether he/she had been cheating on you in the relationship, you want to first ask yourself “If I ask my ex this question, will that make my ex more likely to come back to me, or more likely to stay further away from me?” I’m pretty sure you know the answer to that.
There is no use to know if your ex cheated on you because if they did, would you be able to let go of your ex and move on? Most likely not. Because you still want to be with your ex. And if your idea is to get your ex to feel guilty so that he/she will suddenly want you back, it will never work.
Love cannot come out of guilt or any other negative emotions. It has to be born out of positive emotions and positive emotions only.
5) Getting directly in contact with your ex’s new lover to “get even”. If you do this, chances are that your ex will not only block or ignore you, but could even hate you for the rest of his/her life if the new lover breaks up with your ex because of you.
So, even though you manage to break them up, he/she will still never get back with you because you had ruined his/her relationship.
On the other hand, you contacting the new lover could even get your ex to be closer to the new lover. As they say, the enemy from outside, will strengthen the bonds from within. And in this case, you are the enemy, and you have single-handedly pushed your ex further into the arms of the new lover.
Now you know that you shouldn’t be doing all these, here are the steps to take to get your ex to gradually get back with you again.
The 5 Steps To Be With Your Ex Again
Step 1: Be Friendly
That’s right. The first thing you must do is be friends with your ex. The reason this is important is because by being friends, you will be able to have communication with your ex whenever you want to. By being in contact, you are actually having a foot in the door of your ex’s life.
If you are blocked or ignored at the moment, the first thing you want to do is to be on friendly terms so that you can have communication with your ex again. Here’s a post I’ve written on what to do if your ex has blocked or ignored you.
By being friends, you also leave the door open for your ex to contact you for any reason at all. It is the “backdoor” to your ex’s heart again and that leads me to the next step…
Step 2: Let Your Ex Believe That You Just Want To Be Platonic Friends
This is important because right now your ex has someone new and you are in a rather delicate position. So, in this situation, you cannot let your ex know that you still have feelings for him/her.
If your ex finds out that you still have feelings for him/her, that’s when you will see your ex start to distance from you. That’s definitely not what you want to see happening.
The reason why you must not let your ex know that you are interested in your ex still is because it can be a threat to the new lover. And if you are a threat to your ex’s new relationship, your ex will not want to jeopardize their new relationship because of you and so will distance himself/herself from you.
So, you want to come across as platonic as possible to your ex at all times. And if you do this correctly, it will lead to the next step…
Step 3: Be There For Your Ex
By being friends with your ex, your ex would be able to reach out to you in case he/she has any problems at all. For example, with many of my clients, what they found out is that when they are very friendly with their ex, their ex will often share some of their problems about their new lover with you.
This shows that your ex has trust in you to share his/her problems with you. At this point you will probably feel a mix of happiness and sadness because you are happy your ex has problems with the new lover, yet sad that he/she is actually asking your advice on this.
In situations like this, you must stay very strong because you cannot show signs of weakness and give in to your emotions by telling your ex you still have feelings for him/her. Stay strong!
If you do this correctly, it will actually lead you to the next step…
Step 4: Link Pleasure, Not Pain
The main thing you must be thinking about all the time is how you can link pleasure in your ex towards you, and eliminate any pain that he links towards you.
You see, we all make decisions out of two core human needs:
- The need to avoid pain
- The need to gain pleasure
We all want to experience pleasure. The reason why your ex got together with you in the first place before was because he/she linked pleasure to you. And the reason why your relationship has gone south was because your ex linked pain to you and the relationship.
So, understanding how to link pleasure and to remove pain is very crucial to your getting your ex back.
If you can get your ex to link pleasure to you, more than the pleasure that he/she has gotten from the new relationship, then your ex will leave the new lover and be with you. But you can’t just link pleasure to your ex once or twice and expect that he/she will want to be with you again. It has to be over, and over, and over again. And this leads to the final step…
Step 5: Be Consistent
The key to getting your ex to leave his/her new lover and come back to you is to be consistent in getting your ex to link pleasure to you.
The way to think about this is to imagine that your ex is holding an empty cup. Each time you link pleasure to your ex, that cup will be filled little by little. And each time you make your ex link pain to you, that cup will be emptied. Your goal is to make that cup overflow.
And if you really think about it, this consistency was most likely what’s missing in your relationship and that’s why the relationship didn’t work out.
In the beginning of the relationship you were probably very loving and very nice to each other. But as time passed, things changed and you were probably no longer as loving, fun, or caring as you were in the beginning.
Had you been consistent towards the end of the relationship, like how you were at the start of the relationship, chances are you wouldn’t be reading this article, but instead probably with your ex right this very moment.
So combine these 5 steps above, and be patient towards the process, and you can gradually in time get your ex to come back to you again.