If you are reading this, you have probably experienced a bad break-up that has left you and your previous partner on not-so-good terms. You have tried sending your ex signs that you still love him/her and want them back in your life, but your ex has probably ignored them all, or even reacted very negatively to them.
You are desperately holding on to the precious memories you once shared together and there is nothing you have not tried to get them to love you once again. It seems that the more you try, the more you feel there’s no hope in salvaging your relationship.
Your ex will not pick up your calls or return your messages no matter how many times you’ve tried.
You may even have probably shown up at your ex’s house uninvited, only to be sent away after the first few minutes of seeing him/her.
You may even have bumped into your ex in social settings, only to see your ex suddenly hightail out of the venue, mumbling an excuse about a headache or being fatigued to your mutual friends before making a quick exit.
Suddenly, it dawns on you – maybe your ex hates you and wants nothing to do with you!
You miss your ex and want him/her back. But how can you get your ex back when your ex can barely stand to be in your presence and refuses to communicate with you? Are all your efforts just a waste of your time?
The simple answer to this question lies in the age-old saying: “It’s a thin line between love and hate”.
The emphasis in this saying is the word thin. Simply put, you can take steps to cross over this thin line, and get the ex who clearly wants nothing to do with you back. However, you first have to understand the key reasons why your ex is behaving in a manner which suggests that he/she hates you.
Because you need to figure out the specific things you have done to cause your ex to feel this way about you. So what’s the problem?
You Are Not Giving Your Ex Enough Space
After going through a really bad breakup with your ex, one thing you need to understand is that it can be very emotionally draining for not just you, but to your ex as well.
And when they are feeling emotionally drained, any attempt to try and restore your broken relationship will only seem to be pushing them even further away.
When you are determined to make sure that your ex is attracted to you again and make him/her want you back, your natural reaction is to try and communicate your feelings to your ex.
As such, you are more likely to send your ex a barrage of texts, social media messages, make special posts on their social media page, call him/her any time you feel like you miss them, or even show up at their doorstep uninvited “just to say hi”.
Of course, you are going about all these actions with the best intentions in mind but put yourself in your ex’s shoes for a minute. Your ex is probably on the verge of screaming stalker at the top of their lungs!
There is nothing more off-putting than an ex that basically will not leave you alone!
Do you really think your ex will be attracted to you when all your actions scream “I desperately want you back and I will pester you until you want me back too”?
In your mind, you are thinking that by constantly being in their face, either physically or through various methods of communication, your ex will think more about you and will miss you as much as you do.
And furthermore you feel that if you do not act quick, the chances of getting your ex back will get slimmer and slimmer.
Sadly, this cannot be farther from the truth. In reality, because of the bad breakup, your ex is thinking of you as a nuisance in their life that needs to be quickly gotten rid of. And if you try and reach out to them right now, you will most likely end up further jeopardising your chances to get your ex back.
You Can’t Get Rid of Your Desperation
As harsh as it may sound, the root cause of your ex’s behaviour and feelings towards you is your obvious desperation to get your ex back into a relationship with you.
The mere fact of the matter is that ex’s hate being chased after a breakup, and especially after a bad breakup! That’s the reason they wanted to breakup with you in the first place – to be away from you!
The constant attention that you give your ex makes you look needy and desperate, and only works to push them even further away from you.
And a side effect of this desperation of yours, can make your ex feel like you are not willing to look elsewhere for romantic companionship, which puts them in a position of power because your ex will know that your ex can have you any time he/she chooses.
The signs you give off to your ex that suggest that you are trying to attract his/her attention may inadvertently make your ex put you in an emotional “waiting bay” because your ex know that if their attempts at dating other individuals fail, they can always turn to you as a last resort. Do you really want to be that relationship “back up” of your ex? Most likely not I would assume!
Not only will you have to suffer from the emotional turmoil that arises from the knowledge that you were your ex’s last choice, but you will also have to suffer from relationship insecurities.
This is because you can be assured that as soon as your ex finds someone he/she thinks is better than you, your ex will drop you like a hot potato straight out of the oven. Suddenly, you find yourself back in the position you were in: desperately trying to re-connect with your ex.
And this is very important that you note! You want to value yourself much more than being just a “back up”!
So, what is the best step you can take to attract an ex after a bad breakup?
Ignore Your Instincts! Do Not Reach Out To Your Ex For A While
Now, this is going to be very strategic and psychological so pay attention here.
Your natural instinct to re-connect with your ex through communication is the key culprit for your needy, desperate, and off-putting behaviour. And it’s also probably the reason that cause the bad breakup in the first place.
For this reason, each time you pick up your phone to call and text, or otherwise go online to post anything on your ex’s social media page, STOP. Note that each call or text you send your ex, however casual you may think the conversation is, is likely to be translated as a highly unattractive act of desperation.
The purpose of not contacting your ex are two-folds:
- To let your ex have a chance of missing you and possibly regret breaking up with you. The saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” can be particularly true here.
- More importantly, it is to let your ex have a CHANGED perception of you. When you suddenly stop contacting your ex when he/she expects that you will, would suddenly make your ex think that you have changed.
Now, I know that resisting the need to communicate with your ex is particularly easier said than done when alcohol is involved. If you enjoy having a drink or two after a long day, the chances of going through the process of composing and sending a text, making a call, or in the worst case scenario suddenly appearing at your ex’s doorstep are quite high.
There are two possible solutions to this “alcohol induced communication”:
The first is to not drink at all. If this is not a viable solution for you, the second way out of getting yourself tangled up in a flurry of unwanted messages, visits or calls is to always have a close friend around you when you are drinking.
You should give your friend strict instructions to stop you from using your phone to make any communication with your ex, and further ensure that you go straight home after drinking.
If you are asking whether this rule applies to situations where you feel like you need to talk to your ex to share a personal problem, the answer is yes. Your ex will translate your need to share your problems with them as a desperate act of seeking their attention.
So now that you know what NOT to do, what then should you do to attract your ex back?
Get The Attractive You Back
You need to play some serious relationship psychology. You need to attract your ex to you, not attract attention to yourself (this is what you have been doing).
So to attract your ex back, you need to first know what attracts your ex in the first place. And here’s the good news – you ALREADY have the qualities that your ex are attracted to in the first place! That’s the reason why your ex got together with you in the beginning!
So here are a few questions to ask yourself that can really get you to understand what it is that your ex is attracted to in you:
1) What do you think it is about you that made your ex fall in love and get together with you in the first place?
2) When you two were together, what did your ex say he/she liked about you?
3) What did your ex dislike?
4) Compare the you that your ex fell in love with, and the you that your ex broke up with. What’s the difference?
These are the exact questions that I ask my clients when they want to get their ex back. Here is an example of how you should answer these questions:
“1) What do you think it is about you that made your ex fall in love and get together with you in the first place?My ex liked that I was a very energetic and open minded, curious, sensitive and passionate person and this is the paradox, with no problem sharing and understanding emotions. Also I was a very confident and always very positive person.2) When you two were together, what did your ex say he/she liked about you?I really showed how much I loved my ex. We have also the same interest and share the same willingness to discover new experiences. Everyone we met told us that we were like created for each other.3) What did she dislike?My problems with jealousy and I think also my problems to have so open emotions, I could without any particularly reason start to cry. My ex also didn’t like that I was constantly very angry and that I would always get very hot-headed over little things.4) Compare the you that your ex fell in love with, and the you your ex broke up with. What’s the difference?The me my ex fell in love with was a very confident and independent person that was always happy and smiling and laughing. The me she broke up with was someone who was very needy, desperate, angry and very emotional dependent. I can see now why my ex broke up with me. I basically changed into someone I was not.”
Now in the first two questions, those are qualities and traits in you that your ex likes. Those are the things that link pleasure in your ex towards you!
So from those first two questions, you want to accentuate those qualities that made your ex fall in love with you in the first place.
And for the third question, those are things that your ex link pain to. So if you want to get back with your ex, you will want to eliminate those for good!
As for the last question, it will show you the difference that caused your ex to break up with you. Many times, because of the relationship, we change.
We become less loving, less patient, and less like how we were when our ex first fell in love with.
You see, when your ex first got together with you, he/she fell in love with you because of who you were then. Those qualities and traits in you attracted your ex!
But when you changed into someone completely different, suddenly the very reason your ex fell in love with you in the first place now no longer exists!
If your ex fell in love with a person who was always happy and cheerful, but after a while ended up with someone who is always angry and moody, then it won’t take very long for the relationship to start going south as you can tell!
So bring back the person you once were, and that will attract your ex because it’s the you in the beginning of the relationship that your ex fell in love with! So here are a few pointers in a nutshell to take note of in order to attract your ex back to you again:
- Exude the qualities that you know your ex is looking for in a partner. This process requires that you dig deep into the thoughts of your ex which should be easy since you were once in a relationship! Ask yourself what attracted him to you and embody these qualities.
- Exude self-confidence. Self-confidence will get rid of the neediness and desperation in you. And it is a VERY attractive quality as well!
- Stop contacting your ex for a while. This will make your ex wonder why you suddenly stopped pestering him/her. Without their knowledge, what you have done has made them think about you. This can certainly increase the chances of your ex contacting you again and open the lines of communication.