One of the most common mistakes people make when they try to get back with your ex is acting desperate and needy.
And we all know how looking desperate and needy can hurt your chances of getting your ex back.
Today, we will focus on how to help you get back with your ex without you looking desperate and needy.
And I will cover the following points in this post:
- Desperate & Needy Behaviors You Are Guilty Of
- Why People Act Desperate And Needy After Breakup
- How To Avoid Looking Desperate And Needy
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6 Common Needy & Desperate Behaviors to Avoid
We all make the mistake of becoming needy and desperate to our ex at some point in the relationship.
But that’s not an excuse to keep doing it.
So here are 6 common needy and desperate behaviors to avoid:
1) Crying, Begging And Pleading
Are you guilty of crying, begging and pleading with your ex not to break up with you? If yes, you are not alone.
In fact, it is a natural reaction for most people when their ex tells them that the relationship is over and they are leaving.
It is their way of trying to stop the pain they are feeling when someone whom they love reject or abandon them.
And the only way they know at that moment is to beg and plead with their ex, hoping that it might soften their ex’s stance and change their mind about the breakup.
I would say that it rarely works, especially your ex is the type of person who is stubborn and firm once he has made up his mind.
Even if it works in the occasional cases, it is most likely that your ex takes you back out of pity and guilt.
And it is only a matter of time that your ex would break up with you again because your begging and pleading only delays the inevitable breakup and it never deals with all your relationship problems.
Begging and pleading are unattractive in the eyes of your ex.
It does nothing but shows your ex how strong an emotional influence they have on you.
Now, they know they can take you back any time if they want to and it simply takes away the urgency of getting back with you.
And, you don’t want that.
If you have made the mistake of begging, don’t panic.
It doesn’t mean that your chances of getting back with your ex are reduced to zero.
It simply means that it might take a little longer to repair the damage done.
2) Texting And Calling Incessantly
Another common desperate behavior after a breakup is that you can’t help but call and text your ex nonstop.
Maybe you are trying to apologize.
Maybe you are trying to let them know that you miss them and you still love them.
And maybe you just want to hear a response from them, so it makes you feel like that they are still in your life.
If you put yourself in your ex’s shoes for a while…
How do you think you would feel if you keep receiving text messages or calls from someone whom you don’t want to be together with?
You would feel annoyed, right?
When you feel annoyed by someone, it just makes you want to stay further away from that person.
And you need to understand one thing.
When you just started dating your ex, your ex probably couldn’t wait to hear from you.
Even if you texted or called your ex for hours at a time…
Your ex most likely would be comfortable with it.
In fact, your ex could be looking forward to it.
Why is that so?
The reason is simple.
Attraction.
But right now the situation has changed.
The attraction is gone.
You have become the ex.
Texting or calling your ex incessantly might push your ex away to the extent that they will simply ignore you or even block you.
3) Writing Your Ex A Love Letter
Sometimes you feel that you have so much to say to your ex that you think writing him or her a love letter would be a good idea.
Inside the letter, you poured your heart out and asked for another chance. Sounds like a good plan in your head, right?
Unfortunately, it rarely works out if not making things worse for you.
Sending a long love letter by itself is a desperate act.
You need to understand that laying your heart on the line is not going to magically re-ignite your ex’s feelings towards you.
Instead, it only shows that you are still devastated by the breakup and desperately want to get back with your ex.
And how will your ex react after receiving your love letter?
Your ex will have his/ her guard up whenever you try to reach out because your ex knows you are trying to get him or her back.
And you don’t want this to happen.
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4) Buying Your Ex Expensive Gifts
Some of my readers go as far as buying expensive gifts to please your ex, hoping that their ex would change their minds and take them back.
When we are desperate, we cannot think logically and make irrational decisions.
Love cannot be bought.
And your ex won’t come back to you simply because you shower them with expensive gifts that they have wanted for a long time.
In your mind, you might be thinking like this…
If I send my ex nice gifts, my ex will be happy and touched when he or she receives it.
My ex will know how much I love him/her and then regret leaving me.
You can picture this scenario in your head over and over again, but in reality, it never happens.
Yes, we all like gifts, especially expensive gifts.
But, if you have not been in contact with your ex, then sending him or her a gift out of blue can be very suspicious or even creepy.
If you have been in contact with your ex…
Then buying a gift for your ex will probably be interpreted as you desperately trying to win him or her back.
5) Drunk Dialing
A lot of people are guilty of drunk dialing their ex.
If you have done it, you are not alone.
You went out partying with friends but all that was on your mind was your ex.
You had one too many drinks and the effect of alcohol kicked in.
The next thing you know is that you drunk dialed your ex at 3 am.
First of all, drunk dialing makes you look completely desperate and pathetic.
Secondly, what do you think your ex would think of you?
Your ex would probably think that you were still affected by the breakup very much and you are an emotional wreck.
6) Sleeping With Your Ex
Women tend to make the fatal mistake of sleeping with their ex-boyfriends.
That’s because they naively think that having sex with their ex will make their ex want to get back together.
Yes, men love sex.
When you two were together, you might successfully use sex as a weapon to make your ex-boyfriend do what you want him to do.
But right now, things have changed.
Firstly, you have given your ex control over you when you became the girl throwing yourself at him.
Secondly, you let your ex-boyfriend have a taste of what it is like to have sex without strings attached.
It will only make your ex-boyfriend want to be friends with benefits with you and nothing more.
So, don’t put yourself in a position where your ex-boyfriend can easily take advantage of your emotional vulnerability and use you for sex.
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Why Do People Become Desperate & Needy After Breakup?
Before we go on to talk about how to avoid looking desperate and needy…
I feel that it is important that we understand the reason why people become desperate and needy after a breakup.
A Sense of Loss of Security, Love, And Happiness
If you depend on your relationship (or your ex) to feel a sense of security, love, and happiness…
You will inevitably feel devastated when the relationship comes to an end.
Did you ever think to yourself that you will never be able to find anyone like your ex again?
Did you ever think to yourself that you will never be able to love again?
Have you ever thought that you will never be happy again?
Have you ever thought that you will probably die alone?
This is especially true when you revolve your whole life around your ex.
It is the overwhelming sense of loss of security, love, and happiness caused by the breakup that propels you to do anything to get it back.
That is why we see people exhibit all kinds of desperate behaviors such as begging and stalking.
Addicted To Your Ex (And Your Relationship)
When you were in a relationship with your ex, your ex became an integral part of your life.
You talked to your ex every day.
You saw each other every day.
And you went out together with friends on weekends.
Your ex was always there to help whenever you had a problem.
After the breakup, all these disappeared.
Without a doubt, you will feel pain and you will feel lost.
Let me tell you one of my reader’s story.
This reader’s ex-boyfriend used to call her every day without fail around lunchtime to remind her to take medication for her gastric problem.
Her ex-boyfriend would also prepare breakfast for her in the morning before she woke up.
These are just two out of many other sweet things her ex-boyfriend did for her throughout the relationship.
When the guy broke up with her, she was devastated and she couldn’t stop crying.
And she kept on repeating all her stories to her friends almost every day and told them that she was never going to find another guy like him.
This is a classic example of addiction to the love and benefits of the relationship.
When something you are addicted to is taken away from you…
You will feel pain and your mind will tell you to do anything to get it back and stop the pain.
How To Avoid Looking Desperate And Needy
You need to learn to put yourself at the center of your life instead of your ex.
The fact that your whole life revolves around your ex and your relationship is the very reason why you are experiencing so much pain…
And often taking desperate measures to get your ex back.
Another problem that comes with centering your life around your ex is that you will find yourself becoming needier and needier.
You might not notice it, but your ex might be feeling smothered by your constant need for attention and affection.
My advice is that you need to build a life filled with fun and meaningful activities and surrounded by close friends and family, not just your ex and your relationship.
Even when your ex is not around, you can still enjoy yourself without him or her.
That way, your ex and your relationship is not your sole source of happiness and security.
When that happens, your neediness level will go down significantly.
And when you feel like you don’t need your ex, naturally you will be more assured of yourself and more confident about yourself.
Compare this version of yourself with the needy and desperate you.
It is obvious that your ex will be drawn to the former and will be turned off by the latter.
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Make Your Ex Think It Is His Or Her Idea To Get Back Together
If you have already done a few desperate things to get your ex back, there is no need to panic.
What is important is that you realize that it is not going to help you and that you should refrain from exhibiting all the desperate behaviors I talked about above.
We all have the need to stay consistent with our decision.
The same can be said about your ex.
That is why your ex is resisting to get back with you because they need to be consistent with their decision to break up.
So, what should you do?
You need to make your ex think that it is his or her decision to want to get back with you.
Why should you do that?
Because if your ex thinks it is his or her decision to give the relationship another try…
Your ex will genuinely want to put in the effort to make it work this time around.
How do you get your ex to think it is his or her decision to want to get back together?
The answer is emotional influence.
You have seen how much emotional influence your ex has on you…
And how that made you do stupid and crazy things to get your ex back.
So, how can you use the power of emotional influence to help you reconcile with your ex?
First, we need to lower your ex’s resistance towards you.
Then, we need to make your ex re-associate good feelings by talking to you and make him or her addicted to talking to you.
So, when you pull back even a little bit, imagine how that will make your ex feel?
Remember, we all want what we cannot have and we all fear losing things that make us feel good and happy.
Now, inside your head, you must be wondering how to make your ex associate good feelings when talking to you?
First, are you still sending your ex generic and boring text messages or Facebook messages and wondering why your ex is not responding to your texts?
Examples:
- ”Hey, what’s up?”
- ”Yo”
- ”How are you doing?”
- ”What have you been up to?”
- ”How was work?”
It is better not sending your ex any text messages than sending him or her those boring text messages.
To make your ex re-associate good feelings to talking to you, you need to make the conversation enjoyable and engaging.
Below is a classic example of a non-engaging text conversation.
Before you text your ex, think about what your ex will think when he or she sees your text.
Will it make your ex want to reply?
Or will it put a smile on your ex’s face?
Or will it make your ex feel good?
Is It Too Late To Get Your Ex Back?
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Know Your Self-Worth And Make Your Ex Realize How Lucky It Will Be To Have You
When you feel rejected by your ex, the inner voice inside your head is probably telling you that you are not good enough and you are not worthy.
If you listen to the destructive inner voice and believe what it is telling you…
You will actually act on it instead of challenging it.
So, you need to be conscious of what your inner voice is telling you…
And stop the negative thoughts from taking control of your life.
Remember that rejection doesn’t mean that you are not good enough.
It just means that your ex fails to notice what you have to offer.
Your ex doesn’t determine your self-worth.
You determine your self-worth.
Failing to know your true value is the very reason why many of you become so desperate after the breakup.
You can choose to feel worthless for the rest of your life.
You can choose to improve yourself and make your ex regret leaving you.
Your Next Step
IMPORTANT: Before you try and get your ex back…
You need to first find out whether there’s still any hope in trying to get your ex back.
The last thing you want to do is to chase a relationship that will never come to fruition again.
Click the image below to take a short 2-minute quiz to find out whether it’s too late to get your ex back (it’s free!):
Samantha says
I have been in a relationship with my ex for so many years.. He started getting violent so I left him. He once got so violent and hit me. I had to seek rescue from our friends. He came to get me but I refused to have a talk with him. After some time I was ready to talk to him. He told me that I could not walk away and back into life like nothing happened. I was sorry and he replied by saying that I was to prove myself worthy of his love again.
Amy says
Just broke up with my bf last month because he’s in the army and said it wasn’t fair on me always putting my life on hold for him, but he was also talking to other girls behind my back he has done stuff like that before but I always forgave him, I became quite obsessive always checking what he was doing wanting to know who he was taking too and I assumed he broke up with me because he couldn’t be bothered with me nagging at him all the time but tbh the long distance also played a massive factor in the break up we would hardly see each other and when we did he would be distant with me and not very affectionate, now a month has passed he has been texting me asking to go out for dinner, asking how my day was etc.. and I was out with my girls and got a bit too drunk and started texting him saying I missed him and that I loved him soo much and in the morning I apologised for me texting him and I’ve not heard from his since it’s been a week now? And I just don’t know what to do one minute he’s asking to go out for dinner and now he’s not even talking to me? Should I make the first move and text him or shall I just wait it out? I’m so confused and hurt and I really just want him to pay me some attention. Have a messed things up by drunk texting him even thought he was replying saying he missed me too? I just don’t know what to do
madie says
guys need strong chiqs so how youcarry yourself is how he will carry you
Jeyson says
my girlfriend and I were on and off again for 2.5 years. I was putting myself through college and she was working two jobs, so our stress levels were pretty high. I recently graduated college with no job hopes. Have been unemployed for months. I had to move back in with my mother who lives a good 3 hours away. I’m 24, so yeah, life sucks right now. Being far away from my girlfriend was tough too. Not going to get into all the reasons for why she broke up with me, except to say that it was mostly my fault. It’s been rough for me being moneyless and living with my mom. I got upset at my girlfriend over something stupid and it turned into a huge fight. Then it all went sour from there. I didn’t hear from her for a week and I kind of figured that was a good thing because it usually takes her some time to get over things. I finally called her and she was distant. I sensed something was wrong, and stupidly, thought the best thing was to not shower her with any more attention. I gave her some more time. A week later she breaks up with me through a text message. Yeah, a text message. After 2.5 years. She knows how bad things have been for me lately and she breaks up with me through a text message. Well, here’s a list of how things went down since she broke up with me. It’s all over a span of 3 months. Just going to throw this out there. We’ve had breakups and breaks before and I never acted this way before. I guess it’s because I was unemployed, moneyless, living with my mom, and away from friends. I had nothing to focus on except the breakup and the one I lost. It brought me down even more.
– She texts and breaks up with me. I call dozens of times and we talk. I beg and beg, but it doesn’t work.
– A week later, I drive back to see her, but she isn’t home. Her brother tells me she went to the beach on vacation. I didn’t know nothing about a vacation, so I call her dozens of times. Get nothing but a picture message of her at the beach.
– A week later, I call her a bunch. Still get no response. She finally calls me and we talk for a bit. She kind of eases the pain a little bit, but still tells me that we both need to move on because this just isn’t working. Of course, I acted weak and started crying.
– A week later, I drive back to see her again. She looked happy to see me. We talked about new things in our lives, but as soon as I brought up the breakup, things went sour. I cried and begged for her to take me back. Asked her what I could do to change her mind. Doesn’t work. I leave really pissed off.
– A few days later, I go by her house again. She ends up walking outside and getting into her car, saying she has to leave. She tells me she never wants to see me again. I get even more emotional again.
– Three weeks later, I call her and text her. Didn’t get a reply.
– A few days later, she deletes me as a friend on Facebook. She changes her profile picture to a picture of a rose that’s sitting on her counter. It’s caption is, How Can One Rose Be So Beautiful?
– A week later, I go by her house and she’s not there. Her brother-in-law is outside. He tells me she’s been gone all day with a friend. We talk for a bit and he says he’ll tell her I came by. He’s always been a friend of mine, so he feels for me. He knows I’m in pain.
– The next day, I start thinking some bad thoughts. My girlfriend didn’t have many friends, so I start thinking that she must be with another guy now. She never really hung out with friends before, now all of a sudden she’s miss social? I go by her house again. Her car is there. I call her and she doesn’t respond. A few minutes go by and her brother-in-law pulls up next to me. He says he had a long chat with her the night before and that she’s afraid of me. Freaked out. She wants nothing to do with me. He told me to leave her alone for a few weeks to let her cool down.
– A month later, I send her a message apologizing for my behavior. Telling her I just want her to be happy and I’d like to talk with her. Told her it’s been rough for me being alone, living with my mom. Never get a response.
– 2 weeks later, I end up getting a job in my field back where I use to live. I send her a text, telling her that I got a job and I’m moving back. Still haven’t got a response.
Haven’t got a response from her in 2 months.
It’s just so weird. August 1st we were totally in love. That was the last time we saw each other when we were together. I spent the weekend with her and I had to leave, to go back to my mom’s. She cried and begged me to stay with her. It’s just so amazing how feelings can change in a few days.
Looking back, I know I acted so badly. I can’t believe I didn’t have any self-control. I was never like this during the relationship. I was a good guy. Never controlling, jealous, or abusive. We just had our fights. I’m just afraid she’s always going to remember me as the desperate, needy guy that wouldn’t leave her alone. Have I just completely screwed up any chance I had to get her back?
Anonymous says
Move on bro.
Nina says
We dated briefly for a few months. It got intense quick. I made the mistake of rushing things and pushing things. His way of dealing with me was completely ignoring me. I made so many stupid mistakes. I chased him, became a text terrorist, and called. I acted desperate. He ignored me. I sent all the wrong text. I even sent an angry one which ended with him telling me to never contact him and he blocked me on FB. This happened during a few months. I really liked him and felt bad by his rejection. I tried Michael fiore’s text your ex back. I waited 30 days. Then sent a. Across the bow text. Got no response. Waited a week and tried again no response. Waited a week and tried again no response. I waited 3 weeks tried 1 more time and know response. For those that don’t know across the bow is casual requires no response. It simply means you saw something or was reminded of them in some way and decided to text them and hope they are doing well. You are not begging or pleading but keeping it vague. When that didn’t work I reused it was hopeless and I made too many mistakes. I sent him a good bye message. I told him I understood why he felt how he felt, I owned what I did, I apologized, wished him the best, and said good bye! I let go! There was nothing left to do. You can’t make someone care for you. 3 weeks later I got a weird at 2 in the morning from him. It said “And you asleep.” Then he texted shortly after that ” the drink I drank is about to put me to sleep.” I got the messages in the morning. I figured he was drinking or they were meant for someone else. I waited a whole day and I surprisingly sent him “texting and drinking is a bad combo. You chose to walk out of my life and I respect your decision. I wish you well.” Not sure if I sent the right text. I wanted to save face after acting pathetic. Is there a way to reverse the law of attraction and get a guy chasing you instead. Obviously he didn’t text back. I wanted to seem strong and confident not needy and desperate
Melissa says
My bf and I got back together 2 months ago and its been great. I broke up with him because he wasn’t giving me his all. He came back and finally told me he loved me and he realized how he was acting was wrong. He told me he is lucky to have me and he needs me. He has also pulled away from me last summer because he said he needed to do that but realized he messed up.
He has been having major business issues where he could potentially lose 5 years of work that he has put in towards a project. His deals arent going through and he has been very depressed over that. The worse part of it all, his business partner is his own DAD and his dad is the one causing this. That is whyy he is really upset, because it’s his own Dad. He cried to me last week BUT this week he changed. He told me on Wednsday night that he wasn’t in the mood to talk (bceause during the day a deal that was supposed to go through didn’t). I told him he was hurting my feelings by doing that and next day he did not contact me at all! Its not like him. On Friday I texted him and said that I dont know hwta I did to him for him to act this way and that he needs to talk to me because I am trying. He explained that the deal wasn’t going through like he thought and it dejected him for a few days. I then said I am trying my best to help you and make you feel good but you made me feel sick to my stomach by not contacting me. I also said that I am here for him always and I loved him. He said I love you too and thats it. On Saturday ( we always get together on the weekend, its been our regular thing) He FINALLY texted me in the evening saying ” sorry feel like being alone right now” He was very cold and short and didnt say anything to make me feel like its not me. I texted him today saying ” Thinking of you. Missing and love you”. He hasnt replied all day. I am going to leave it alone for a few days BUT how long do I wait? I cant wait forever for him to reach out. I respect his decision but he also cant leave me hanging. I feel like he will be breaking up with me or something. I told him i am there and I loved him and I havent bothered him much and will not connect with him again.
Its hard for me to understand how you can tell someone you love them and call them to vent or cry and then next day BOOM, you dont even have the heart to say ” I am sorry I love you please give me some space. All i got was ” Sorry I want to be alone”
I am very sad and cant get my mind off him and scared he will pull away like last year. The only difference this time is he said he loved me and that I am the only thing make shim happy. he also said he feel WAY DIFFERENT for me than last year. So i am hoping this is just a time issue for us…
Bernadette says
I’m 28, he is 35. Together for 3 years, lived for 2. Beginning of this year I moved out because I was immature and threw the whole marriage ultimatum. Immediately regretted it and asked to come back. He didn’t believe I could make a full 180 so quickly and stood his ground that he needed to process and take his time cooling off. I did a lot of stupid crap following BU – showed up unannounced, drunk dialed, I mean I lost it..
He began hooking up with his crossfit coach, who became a regular dog sitter (we shared three dogs) and hid it from me. When I found out and confronted him about it in May, it was the turning point. He began to reach out more, trying to “solve” things, figuring out how we can move forward or how our last year together was difficult and what needed to change if we were to take a stab at the relationship again.
Well, in the mean time, I began to move on. Though I loved (and still love) him, his indecisiveness was too much and I decided to go back to dating again, 5 months post BU. He found out. He began to panic. He wanted to see me in person and we met up. Granted I used to model, I had the attraction on my side and he pointed out how he’s never met a more beautiful woman in his life, yada yada… he said he still loved me, never stopped, and we kissed, cuddled, came close to hooking up but I stopped it because – wait, don’t you have a new girlfriend now?
I ask him about the crossfit girl. He said that she is not the girl of his dreams, the magic wore off long ago and that he was more or less with her to get over me / avoid loneliness, etc. I make it very clear that I do not want to hang out with him or be affectionate unless he is single. I hate this sneaking around crap and it goes against my moral code. He agrees and says he will take care of things, he just hasn’t found the “right time to break up”.
????
There is no right time to break up. I asked him to please not play with me and he swore up and down that he wasn’t.
I just don’t understand why it would be so hard to break up with someone if you are serious about making our relationship work. I don’t get it. I feel like I’m being strung along but to what benefit? he’s not really getting anything physical out of it. I don’t understand. He keeps thanking me for my patience but it has been 1 month since I confronted him about the other girl, 2-3 weeks since he “went weak in his knees after seeing me,” and I just don’t get what is so hard.
Am I missing something?
Kevin says
Myself 25 male and ex 22 female were together for 3 years and last year we were together 24/7 and suffocated eachother.
Our problems began when certain life circumstances occurred over the course of our uni year last year. She wasn’t enjoying her course and i was stressed to the max with mine. Along with some really bad financial issues i was going through i changed and became a very insecure negative individual. We would wake up in the morning and go to uni and at the end of the day she would come home and because i was given a spare key i would be at her place EVERYDAY. The days revolved around us and i would often complain about life and money and there was just lots of negativity.
As a result she became isolated and emotionally detached from everything as everyday was all about us. She stopped going out and seeing her friends and became demotivated and unhappy across the course of last year and even ended up failing a paper. Earlier this year in February, going to a wedding made her realise that she had fallen out of love and didnt want to be in a relationship with me anymore.
After the wedding she told me she was unhappy with the relationship and fell out of love with me and didnt want to be in a relationship anymore.
8 weeks leading up to the breakup we tried to work on the relationship but no matter what we did she said it just didnt feel right and she wasnt into it anymore.
She broke up with me 3 weeks ago and said she wants to find herself and cant be with me because she knows she wont fall back in love and doesnt want to be in a relationship. She said with everything going on her life and wanting to get into honours for her course she just cant be in a relationship full stop. Coming into the relationship she felt like a whole person and knew who she was and now shes not a whole person and needs to find herself
I know we had something special but im not sure if my particular situation is salvageable?