One of the most frequently asked question by my readers is how to get their ex to love them again. Before I go on to address how you can make your ex fall in love with you again, let me help you understand why your ex fell out of love with you in the first place.
Just like when you are sick and you go see a doctor, your doctor needs to make a diagnosis before he can recommend the best treatment for your illness.
We also need to pinpoint what really went wrong in your relationship and what led your ex to stop loving you before we can come up with the best course of action to remedy the situation.
Common Signs That Your Ex Is Falling Out Of Love With You
Your Ex Less Patient And Easily Frustrated With You
Did you notice that your ex was getting easily annoyed and frustrated with you some time before the breakup?
Even if you did, you might have brushed it off, thinking that your ex was just having a bad day. If it just happened a couple of times, then you might be correct to think that way.
But if your ex has been acting this way towards you for an extended period of time, then something might be wrong, especially if it feels like that your ex is purposely trying to find fault with you.
Maybe your ex suddenly begins to find some of your habits annoying when he or she had no problems with it before.
For example, your ex might tell you that it drives him or her crazy when you always leave drawers open after taking something out or you never put back the book on the bookshelf after reading.
You must feel confused and hurt by your ex’s sudden change in attitude towards you because your ex never seemed to be bothered by such trivial things at the start of your relationship.
If this happens, you need to take this as a warning sign.
Your Ex Is Withdrawn And Distant
You can feel that your ex is cold and distant from the way he or she talks with you. No more calling you ”Darling” or ”Dear” or ”Babe”. What you get instead is a ”Hey”.
When you are excited to share something interesting that happened, you can tell from your ex’s short replies that your ex is not interested in whatever you has got to say.
Perhaps, in the past, your ex talked to you about everything. You were the first one that your ex would come to if he or she was feeling down.
You were also the first one to know if he or she had good news. But right now, you feel that your ex is putting up a wall between you two and you have no clue what is going on in your ex’s mind.
Your Ex Is Less Affectionate
Do you still remember the time when you and your ex just started dating and you two couldn’t keep hands off each other?
Yes, passion and affection inevitably diminish with time, especially if you are not putting in efforts to keep the spark alive.
But, if you are still in love with someone, you would still shower that someone with affection and attention, albeit less frequently than before.
Has your ex stopped doing all the sweet things he or she used to do for you?
Was your ex always trying to find excuses to avoid intimacy?
Has it been a long time since your ex gave you the long hugs and passionate kisses?
Were you always the one who initiated everything such as texting or holding hands?
Was your sex life starting to feel mundane?
Has your ex stopped saying ”I love you”?
If yes, it is most likely your ex has already started falling out of love with you.
Your Ex No Longer Put You As His/Her Highest Priority
You are no longer your ex’s top priority. Your ex is spending more time with friends and co-workers than with you.
Or, instead of hanging out with you, your ex wants to focus on his or her work or studies or hobbies.
When you call or text your ex, it is also taking much longer to get a reply or sometimes your ex simply forgets to reply.
This is a stark contrast to when you two were madly in love with each other and your ex would call or text you to just tell you he or she misses you in the middle of the work day.
A shift in priority often reflects a change in your ex’s feelings towards you. When your ex feels that the relationship is not the same and is not feeling love for you any more, your ex’s behavior will inevitably start to show and he or she might not be even aware of it.
Why Your Ex Fell Out Of Love With You
”He says he doesn’t love me anymore and his heart isn’t in it, but I don’t believe him. We’ve been going out for two and a half years, and we had the most amazing relationship.
We support each other, laugh together, do everything together. Then out of nowhere he tells me his heart isn’t in it anymore and is telling him to move on.
He says he has been trying to get himself into the relationship again the last few months but he just can’t get the feeling back.
I wish he would have told me so I could have made more effort the last few months. I started taking our relationship for granted although it’s not like we fought or there were issues between us. ”
”Four days ago my girlfriend of seven years and the mother of my two children who are 3 and 2 came home from a trip.
As she came up the driveway, our conversation was very plain and unfeeling. I had detected for probably about 3 weeks the distance between us, so I worked up the courage to ask what she was thinking.
She said she doesn’t think she is in love with me anymore and goes on to say she has felt this way for a while but that she wasn’t going to say anything because she felt she needed to work past it herself.
I was just shocked. I’m still in shock, blown away by this aspect that this person I have built my life up around who was the object of my love and affection was now telling me that she didn’t love me.”
All the above cases have one thing in common: one party has been feeling that love is no longer there for quite a while before letting the other party know how they really feel and the decision to end the relationship.
People don’t SUDDENLY fall out of love. It is normally a gradual process. Below are some of the reasons why people fall out of love:
- Your Ex’s Needs Are Not Met
One of the top reasons why people fall out of love is because that they realize their partner no longer can meet their needs.
It might be emotional needs or physical needs or a combination of both. For example, your ex was not feeling loved and appreciated by you or you were making your ex feel insignificant and not needed.
When these needs are unmet, your ex would feel that the relationship was not going anywhere and was also likely to go to someone who can meet his or her needs.
Perhaps, you have been able to satisfy your ex’s needs at the start of the relationship. That is why your ex fell in love with you and wanted to be in a relationship with you in the first place.
However, we change along the way and our needs might also change over time. If we are not in tune with our partner’s change, we would probably end up in a situation where our partner is not happy in the relationship and wants to leave.
So, it is important that we talk to each other about our needs. For example, sometimes your partner might need you to listen to him or her more. Or sometimes your partner might need you to say the words I love you more often.
- Passion Dies Down
The best time in every relationship is the honeymoon period where you can gaze into each other’s eyes all day long and kiss each other passionately like no one is watching.
During honeymoon period, your ex is just perfect in every way and you feel so lucky to have found him or her. Sadly, honeymoon period doesn’t last forever.
When the newness and excitement wears off and everything in the relationship becomes routine, you might have the feeling that the relationship is not the same as before and love and passion is not there any more.
Did you notice that you and your ex spend the weekends the same way and hang out with the same group of people and go to the same restaurant for as long as you can remember?
Did you take each other for granted and stop trying to make each other feel special? When this happens, the spark would slowly fade.
- Lack Of (Proper) Communication
Communication is the most important thing in keeping a relationship alive. Neither you or your ex can read minds. That is why proper communication can help you and your ex understand each other better and avoid misunderstanding.
Sometimes, you might do something (not on purpose) that could upset your ex. If your ex chose to keep it inside instead of telling you how that had made him or her feel, slowly anger and resentment might build up over time until your ex couldn’t take it any more.
Or, you fight constantly with your ex and say hurtful things to each other instead of having a peaceful and constructive talk to resolve the issue. You start to see each other as enemy. When that happens, any feelings of love and affection will be replaced by anger.
With the prevalence of dating apps and websites, relationships are constantly put to the test. Sometimes, you gave in to temptation and cheated on your ex and lied straight to his or her face.
You might justify it by telling yourself and your ex that it was just a fling and it meant nothing to you, but it was a violation of trust in your ex’s eyes nevertheless.
Your ex was hurt and heartbroken by your betrayal to the extent that he or she gave up on the relationship and you.
Nothing makes a person fall out of love quicker than feeling betrayed and cheated. Trust and honesty is the foundation of any loving and healthy relationship.
Infidelity is all what it takes to destroy that very foundation.
- Too Clingy & Needy
Another common reason cited by men for falling out of love with women is that they find their girlfriends too clingy and needy to the point of making them feel suffocated by the relationship.
The only instinctive reaction would be to end the relationship and stay away as far as possible.
Did you turn into one of those clingy and needy girlfriends along the way?
- Make your ex cancel his plans with his friends and hang out with you
- Want to know what your ex is doing and where he is any minute of the day
- Text or call him throughout the day, not giving him a chance to miss you
- You get nervous when you didn’t receive a reply from him right away
- You are too accommodating and never say no to your ex
- You want to take the relationship to the next level too fast and too soon
If you were doing any of the above, chances are that your ex left because of your controlling behaviors.
How To Make Your Ex Love You Again
So, what do you need to do to make your ex fall in love with you all over again? Your ex fell for you before, so it is possible for you to rekindle the relationship and make your ex to fall head over toes for you again.
Pull and push psychology is the psychology behind why we want what we cannot have and why we go after things or people that pull away from us.
There are two ways we interact with people and things around us. We are either showing interest by pulling them towards us or showing disinterest by pushing them away from us.
When you want your ex back badly, you can’t hep but try to pull your ex towards you. However, when you try too hard to pull your ex towards you, it will put pressure on your ex and make them naturally want to retreat from you.
Another problem with trying very hard to pull your ex towards you is that your ex will think that they can have you any time they want and kills any chemistry you might otherwise have had together.
So, that is why I advise my clients to limit or cut communication for a period of 3 to 4 weeks. Because when you do that, you are using this pull/push psychology to your advantage.
By initiating no contact, you are effectively pulling away from your ex and making them naturally want to pull you back because you have created a fear of loss in them.
Matching Your Ex’s Subconscious Criteria
Everyone of us has a list of criteria when it comes to looking for an ideal partner. The same goes for your ex. Some of the criteria are from the conscious mind while others come from the subconscious mind which you might not even be aware of.
For example, maybe you only like tall and muscular guys with blue eyes. That is a desirable physical trait in your eyes and it is one of your conscious criteria.
Perhaps, you might not know it but all the guys you fell for in the past have one thing in common which is that they are all very sociable. This could be one of your subconscious criteria.
So, how does subconscious criteria play a part in making people fall in love?
We all have weakness and vulnerability, and we naturally want to compensate for any weakness we might have.
In the case of love, we subconsciously fall in love with someone who can compensate for our weakness because it makes us feel completed and whole by being with them.
So, if you don’t have a lot of friends and your social circle is very small, you are likely to fall in love with someone who are sociable and have many friends.
The fact that your ex fell for you before means that you satisfy most if not all of his or her criteria.
One of the major reasons why relationships fail is because both parties put on their best behavior and show their best side at the start of a relationship but over time they revert back to who they really are.
When that happens, your ex’s subconscious mind might think that you no longer match some of the criteria.
Maybe your ex liked you because you were confident, smart or sociable. But over time, you let these key qualities dwindle. Then, your ex started to feel that you are no longer the same person he or she fell in love with originally.
So, let’s go back to the important point of how to make your ex love you again. First, I want you to list down all the things that attracted your ex to you in the first place. Then I need you to go a bit deeper and try to understand your ex’s weakness.
This will give you more insight as to what are your ex’s subconscious criteria. With this information, it will significantly increase your chances of making your ex realize that you were the right person for him or her and fall for you all over again.
So, what do you do after you have identified your ex’s subconscious criteria?
Obviously, it is not going to work if you tell your ex directly that you possess certain qualities that match his or her subconscious criteria.
First of all, it will sound super weird. Secondly, telling your ex directly is not going to have much impact. The correct way to do it is to subtly and indirectly show your ex that you match his or her subconscious criteria.
For example, if your ex was always being bullied at school or your ex’s dad left when he or she was still very young, this would likely have instilled in your ex a deep need for affection.
So, during your conversation with your ex, you could recount a story which shows that you are a caring and affectionate person.
Making Your Ex Addicted To Talking To You
Right now, you might not be the person that your ex wants to call or text every day. But, you used to be that person. What has changed?
Talking to you no longer puts a smile on your ex’s face like before. In other words, your ex no longer finds talking to you an enjoyable experience.
Perhaps the last time you talked to your ex, you two ended up quarreling and yelling at each other or you ended up crying nonstop and begging your ex to come back to you.
Obviously, it would not make your ex feel good after the conversation ends. And your ex would then associate these negative feelings with talking to you, which in turn results in your ex not wanting to talk to you.
We don’t want that to happen.
So, it is time to stop making these deadly mistakes if you really want to get back with your ex.
And start creating positive and enjoyable experience when you talk to your ex.
How do we do that?
One easy way to do it is that you bring up past good memories that have a strong emotional impact on your ex. The rationale of doing that is your ex will think back all the good times when you two were still together and your ex would possibly miss it.
Another way to do is that you make your conversation with your ex fun and engaging to get him or her hooked on hearing more from you.
When your ex is getting really engrossed in the conversation, that is when you end it by coming up with an excuse such as ” you’ve got to go”, but don’t forget to leave the door open for you to contact your ex later to continue the conversation.
This is the same way how popular TV series script writer gets you to tune in religiously every week for each new episode.