One of the most important things to get your ex back is understanding that you need a strategy in order to at least have a chance to salvage your relationship.
Many people that are trying right now to get their ex back think they all they have to do is to just speak to their ex again and talk things through, or to tell their ex that they still love them and ask for another chance.
However, chances are that you’ve already probably tried to do so and it didn’t work, and that’s why you are reading this right now.
The truth is, getting your ex back isn’t as straightforward as many people think it is. Because of the “history” you have with your ex, you have to thoroughly understand the context of your own situation before starting to pursue your ex back.
And this is where you have to think strategically, rather than act emotionally in your situation now.
If you want the best chance of getting your ex back, it’s important to first understand the context of your situation, the reason the relationship went south in the first place, and then come up with a plan to get your ex back.
How To Think Strategically To Get Your Ex Back
One of the biggest flaws that many people have in trying to win their ex back is to let their emotions get the better of them.
For example, one of the most natural thing to do when an ex breaks up with you is to beg, plead, cry and ask your ex to give you one more chance.
This is when you react emotionally because you fear that your ex will disappear from your life and you think to yourself that if you just ask for one more chance, your ex will give that chance to you.
While it make work some times, most of the time this rarely works because the fundamental core element that is needed for your ex to want you back isn’t there – and that is attraction.
So what exactly is attraction? It simple is the feeling of pleasure, or feeling good whenever your ex thinks of you.
However when it reaches the point where you have to beg your ex to come back to you, attraction is already lost simply because your ex no longer feels good towards you.
And this all comes down to the reason why your relationship crumbled in the first place.
And this is also where you need to start thinking strategically to get your ex back. So here are a few things you need to know and understand in order to strategically get your ex back to you again:
1) What is the main reason your relationship went south?
If your ex was the one that broke things off with you, then it means that your ex has probably reached his / her threshold tolerance of putting up with you. And what that means is that your ex is most likely unhappy or not feeling the way he / she wants to feel in the relationship.
So you need to examine why your ex isn’t happy in the relationship.
Was it because you were too demanding and expected too much of your ex?
Was it because you were too controlling and made your ex feel trapped in the relationship?
Was it because you were always picking fights in your relationship?
Was it because you took your ex for granted?
Was it because you started to no longer show as much affection and love to your ex compared to how you were like at the start of the relationship?
Was it because you cheated on your ex?
Was it because you became negative in your relationship and became very emotional?
Was it because you created a lot of “drama” in the relationship causing lots of emotional burden to your ex?
These are just some of the reasons that your ex might be unhappy in the first place. Every situation is unique and different so it’s important to really understand the main underlying reason for your ex wanting to break up with you.
But if you were the one that broke up with your ex, then the psychology here you need to understand of your ex is that since you had left the relationship, your ex might be thinking that you aren’t serious in the relationship anymore and when you broke up with your ex, that really hurt your ex and he / she fears the same thing will happen again.
2) What is your ex’s perception of you now?
The next thing you need to understand is what is your ex’s current perception of you now. More likely than not, your ex has a negative perception of you now, and you need to really understand that.
If your ex doesn’t have a negative perception of you now, then he / she would still be in the relationship with you.
So here you need to realise the exact perception your ex has of you, and that relates to the one question above of understanding why your relationship went south in the first place.
So for example if your ex’s perception of you is that you are very controlling and you have a very high expectation of your ex in the relationship, then it means that you must no longer be controlling or have a high expectation of your ex.
And the key point here to make is that you need to change you. The reason your ex got together with you in the first place was because your ex had a positive perception of you in the beginning.
So in the example of being too controlling (or any other reason), when your ex first got together with you, he / she certainly didn’t expect this of you. In fact there’s also a chance that you probably didn’t even realise you could be that way until you got into the relationship with your ex.
And if your ex probably knew you were going to be this way in the relationship, chances are that your ex may not have even gotten together with you in the first place.
Therefore what you need to understand is that your ex got attracted to you because of the perception that you unconsciously gave him / her at the start. That’s what made your ex attracted to you in the first place and you need to really remember how you were like then.
With that perception in mind, you need to seek to re-create this perception of you over time. The key word here is over time. Creating a new perception of yourself once it has already been established in a person’s mind will take time.
And throughout this whole time you have to be consistent in showcasing this new perception of you.
3) Understand that attraction is all about feelings, and is not logical.
Many people (especially women) think that their relationship can be saved by “talking it out“. I’m pretty sure there’s a chance that you may have already tried this and it ended up being futile. If you haven’t then I strongly suggest you don’t because it can push your ex further away.
So understanding that attraction is a feeling and is not logical is very important in building your plan to get your ex back.
That means you cannot talk about the relationship and simple hope that your ex is willing to talk it out with you so that you both can try again. That rarely happens.
Instead, you need to let your ex feel good first, before your ex can consider getting back with you again.
So the question lies in how you can get your ex to feel good from here onwards correct.
Now, there are several ways to do this and it really depends on your situation. I won’t go into it in detail here because it really requires intricate understanding of your situation before finding the right way to approach your situation.
But in general, there are two situations that you may be face now:
- You are blocked by your ex
- You have contact with your ex now, or you’re able to get in contact with your ex even if you haven’t been in contact for some time
So in the first situation, being blocked just means that you had probably annoyed your ex to the point that your ex no longer wants to have anything to do with you. It means you have probably also established yourself as a nuisance to your ex for your ex to have blocked you.
In this case you probably need to begin with a letter that addressed the main reason your ex blocked you in the first place, and make a sincere apology. If you already have apologised many times before, then that means that you are probably breaking your promises or that you kept doing things to annoy your ex. if that’s the case, you will need to write a letter that also addresses that.
As for the intricacies of the letter itself, this can only be really established once I understand your situation in full and then craft a letter that caters to your specific solution. That’s where I do my client work in by helping my clients come up with a plan to get their ex back in their specific and unique situation.
But for now, you just have to understand the idea of a strategy to approach your situation.
As for how to reach out to your ex, there’s a myriad of ways (yes, even if you’re blocked) and again it depends on the communication channel you have available to you, and also the context by which you were actually blocked.
But there’s always a way to reach out to your ex.
In the second situation, if you are not blocked and can have contact with your ex if you want, then it would be as simple as crafting a message to initiate a conversation around getting advice or help.
Again to do this correctly, you have to first have an understanding of what I mentioned in the first two points which is the perception of your ex now and also the reason your relationship went south, before you can actually craft a message that can let your ex be engaged in.
Generally, the idea of the message would be to gradually build rapport in your ex and let him / her feel good towards you again before you can really start to attract your ex back again.
4) Feelings are nurtured, not demanded of
And finally, to be strategic in your attempt to get your ex back, you need to understand that feelings are nurtured, and not demanded of. And by that what I mean is that you cannot have a set fixed time that you must have your ex by.
I have a number of people tell me that “I want my ex in the next two weeks or I will give up on him / her”. To that I will respond saying that it would be better to move on right now because there is no way you can force your ex back into the relationship with you when your ex clearly has a negative perception of you now.
To give you context to this, there are two analogies:
Imagine you are an expert at growing apple trees. You have an apple farm and you know everything about growing apples. Let’s say an apple tree takes an average of 2 – 4 years to produce apples.
What if someone came along and told you “I want you to take this apple seed and grow the apples in 6 months time”, how would you respond to that person?
Most likely you say that’s impossible because you cannot rush the process of the trees to bear fruits, and the tree requires to be nurtured before it can reach the stage of actually producing apples.
Imagine you just met someone for the first day and you have some connection with that person. You like that person a lot but you’re not at the stage of wanting to get together with that person yet because you want to know more about that person before committing.
Now what if that person tells you to marry him / her on that day itself, will you be able to say yes? If you’re normal like most people, then the answer would most likely be not. But you do like that person.
So why is it that you can’t marry that person now?
That’s because your feelings still need to be nurtured! You need to let time pass to really be sure of your feelings and not rush into it.
That’s pretty much exactly how your ex is feeling towards you now.
So with these in mind, it will better prepare you in a strategy to get your ex back. And you must have a strategy to get your ex back if you want to have a good chance to salvage your relationship again.
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