Most of the time, relationships fail because of a change in perception. And what I mean by change in perception is how your ex perceived you to be just before you got together with your ex, compared to how you were like towards the end of the relationship.
For example, when I asked my readers the question “Why do you think your ex broke up with you?”, these are some of the responses I received:
“Because I became too controlling”
“Because I neglected my ex and didn’t show more love”
“I was very nasty towards my ex”
“I cheated on my ex”
“I became very insecure and jealous”
“I became needy and clingy”
“Our relationship became too boring. The spark had died.”
“I took my ex for granted, and did not appreciate my ex enough”
“I started to question and push my ex away”
“We kept having arguments, fights and quarrels too often”
“I was very negative and was always angry and depressed”
“I was very critical and it seems my ex had enough”
Do you find some of these responses familiar in your situation? If you do, then that’s because it’s pretty much the same for how most break up happens.
If you really think about it, the real reason your relationship ended with your ex is because you had changed from who you were at the start of the relationship.
Think back to the time when you two first got together. Did any of the responses above represent how your relationship or how you were like back then? Most likely not.
Chances are that back then you were much more loving, positive, cheerful, and really happy. But as time passed in your relationship, regardless if it’s just a couple of weeks, months or years, things changed in how you behave in the relationship.
So, why is that so? That’s because of expectations.
Expectations Are Relationship Killers
As we go more and more deeper in our feelings in the relationship, we tend to start to have expectations. For example you may have expected your ex to show more love, show more affection, say “I love you” more often, and so on.
But when that is not met, you start to get upset and unhappy, and that starts to cause conflicts and arguments in the relationship, and when not managed properly, that became the starting point of the end of the relationship.
So now imagine if you were like this before your ex actually got together with you in the first place. If you started to show how you were like towards the end of the relationship before your ex got together with you, do you think your ex would have still gotten together with you in the first place? Most likely not. And that’s because no one likes “drama” and conflicts in the relationship.
Not only is that very emotionally draining, but it affects how you operate on a day to day basis.
So understanding this is really important because if you looked at the whole relationship in a nutshell, you have full control over how the relationship turned out.
You Have Influence In The Relationship
To let you really understand this point, I want you to back track to just prior to the break up. Most likely there is an incident that caused the point of break up correct?
Every situation is unique, so each situation will have their own individual reasons and triggers for the break up. So although the triggers and reasons may be different, they all fall under the same category – and that is “negative actions”.
Negative actions are anything that let the other party feel negative. It could be an argument, fight, quarrel, cheating, lack of affection, taking your ex for granted, being abusive, and so on. There are literally a multitude of different negative actions that can cause the break up, but the main point is that it makes your ex feel negative emotions, and that led to the break up.
So if you really think about it, you had actually negatively influenced your ex to the point where he/ she wants to break up with you.
You see, relationships are all about feelings. If you make your ex feel really good and positive when with you, then there’s no reason why your ex would want to leave or break up with you. But if you make your ex feel bad and negative, then the relationship would be bound for disaster.
Put simply, if you hadn’t brought up anything that would make your ex feel negative, the break up probably wouldn’t have happened.
So here’s how it works: make your ex feel negative, and sooner or later the relationship will end. Make your ex feel positive, and the relationship will flourish and grow stronger.
And you have full control how you make your ex feel, and that is influence.
How To Make Your Ex Believe You Have Changed
So now your ex most likely have a negative perception of you. If you’re someone that really had understood this and still kept in friendly contact with your ex, then you have done really well.
But if you are not in contact at the moment with your ex (blocked or ignored by your ex), then it certainly means your ex has a very negative perception of you, and that means your ex feels that he/ she can no longer trust you, or believe that you can change.
So how do you get your ex to believe you have changed?
First and foremost, you must change. There’s no run around this point. If you don’t change, your ex will be able to sense it.
So how do you know when you really have changed?
When you no longer are needy and desperate to have your ex back, but rather accept that your has has moved on, and that your goal right now isn’t to “capture” any remaining feelings left, but to create new feelings in your ex for you, just like how your ex never had any feelings for you until your ex met you and you created new feelings in your ex for you.
This is the difference between “hey please give us one more chance. I know you still love me and I love you still. Let’s try again” (very ineffective and pushy), versus “I know you’re going to be attracted to me once you get to experience the new me!” (very effective and is a pull).
So a real change in you is when you go back to being how you were before you met your ex. You weren’t emotionally attached with your ex then, and that’s why you were able to portray the kind of feelings to your ex that made your ex want to be with you in the first place.
The biggest harm to getting back with an ex is to show your neediness and desperation. So if you think back to how you were like before getting together with your ex, you weren’t needy nor desperate. And when you are in that state, only then can you start to really attract your ex.
Positive Influence Through Actions And Words
So once you have really changed, then can you start to influence your ex positively. So this article is not about how to reach out to your ex, or exactly what to say to your ex. That’s like me giving you the fish, rather than teaching you how to fish.
In this article, I will be talking about concepts that will teach you how to fish, and that means you will understand how to positively influence your ex, and get your ex to gradually be attracted to you again.
So to understand how you can positively influence your ex, you need to first understand how you had negatively influenced your ex in the first place.
To do so, think back to all the times when your ex felt unhappy towards you and the relationship, and the incident or trigger that directly caused the break up. What did you do back then?
Then analyse these actions. These actions are negative actions and it links pain to your ex. So the first step is to be aware of what NOT to do.
Now that you know what not to do, then you want to analyse what to do.
For this you think back to how you were like before you two got together in the first place. Think about what it was that made your ex fall in love with you?
What was it that your ex saw that made him/ her want to be with you?
What were the things that your ex said he/ she liked about you?
All these things are most likely positive actions that made your ex feel positive about you. Those are the feelings you want to let your ex feel again towards you.
When you know all these things, you are then able to to put together a list of positive actions and negative actions, then you can prepare for the outreach to start letting your ex perceive the you that made your ex first fall in love and want to be with you in the first place.
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