Your ex just broke up with you.
It still hurts very badly.
You desperately want the pain to stop. You just want everything to go back to how it used to be.
So, you look for help on the internet and read up everything you can find about how to rekindle the relationship with your ex.
Then, you come across the most talked about no contact rule which a lot of relationship experts recommend if you want to get back with your ex.
Does the no contact rule really work?
Can it magically help you get your ex back?
The answer is No.
It cannot help get your ex back because it is not a strategy to make your ex come back to you.
But, that does not mean that I am against no contact rule.
In fact, I am all for no contact rule.
A lot of people are confused about the purpose of no contact rule. The main purpose of doing no contact is for you to use this period of time to focus on yourself and get yourself back to a stable emotional state.
People who are going through a breakup are often on an emotional roller coaster. Initiating no contact with your ex can help you calm down and heal from the loss and rejection.
On the other hand, if you maintain contact with your ex after breakup, it will likely result in emotional flare-ups and arguments. It simply makes things worse. Furthermore, it will also prevent you from starting your healing process.
So, that is why it is important to cut off contact with your ex and use this time to work on yourself. During no contact, you should only focus on your own well-being and your happiness, not your ex.
You must have heard this saying ”No one is going to love you if you don’t love yourself.”
If you look at yourself in the mirror right now, do you think you will fall in love with the person in the mirror?
Chances are that what you see in the mirror is a person who is feeling depressed, sad, worthless, or desperate.
Do you think you will like this version of yourself?
Do you think your ex will like this version of yourself?
So, how to get the happy and confident you back?
That is where the no contact rule comes in.
It gives you the needed time and space to pull yourself back up and improve yourself.
What I want to emphasize again is that no contact is not meant as a psychologically manipulative technique to get your ex crawling back to you. That is the common misconception that most of the people have about the no contact rule.
Will No Contact Rule Be Suitable For Your Unique Situation?
Every relationship is different. Every breakup is also different.
No contact in the strictest sense is cutting off all types of communication for a certain period of time. However, there are situations where zero contact is not possible. For example:
- You and your ex work together in the same company
- You and your ex have children together
- You and your ex still live together in the same house
- You still have things at your ex’s place that you need to get them back and vice versa
- You and your ex have a lot of mutual friend
If you are in one of the above mentioned situations, what you can do is to practice limited contact and try your best to minimize contact.
Why No Contact Rule Has Helped Some People Get Their Ex Back?
No contact rule in some cases will make your ex miss you. During this period of time, they might realize that they are still in love with you and want you back.
It works maybe because there is no major problems with your relationship and the breakup could be just a spur-of-the-moment decision.
If there are already some serious issues with your relationship, no contact rule is not going to help make these issues go away. The best way to reconciliation and a successful and lasting relationship with your ex is to make your ex fall in love with you again and be willing to work with you to resolve all the problems that caused the breakup.
Potential Problems With Implementing No Contact Rule
Some of you have reservation about using the no contact rule in the first place. This is because you fear that your ex would forget about you and move on or you feel that it will give your ex the impression that you don’t want to have anything to do with him or her any more.
I have to say that this is just irrational fear. Your ex is NOT going to forget about you if you don’t keep in touch for a couple of weeks or months, especially if you two were together for quite a long time.
Secondly, your ex is probably hurting from the breakup even if he or she was the one who initiated it. It takes some time for your ex to process the pain and loss as well, so it is not possible for your ex to move on completely in a short period of time.
Another major problem is that a lot of you find it very difficult to adhere to the no contact rule because you are constantly trying to fight the urge to call or text their ex. A moment of weakness on your part might cause you to break the no contact rule.
It is understandable that you miss your ex and you want to know what he or she is up to. Hearing from your ex, even if it is just a short text reply, makes you feel instantly better.
But, let’s not forget about the big picture here.
Do you want to get your ex back and make the relationship better the second time round?
Or, is your goal just to temporarily stop the pain of not being in contact with your ex?
Which one do you want?
If you are thinking about it logically, you would no doubt choose the former.
So, how can you help yourself stick to no contact rule?
Below are some useful tips:
- You can write down your ex’s contact information on a piece of paper and then put inside a locked box. Then delete all these information from your phone and computer
- If you are a heavy Facebook user, you might want to temporarily disable your account. The purpose of doing that is to make it difficult for you to keep checking up on your ex and even message your ex on Facebook
- Avoid being alone by yourself. Try to surround yourself with friends or family. This way, you will be less likely to keep thinking about your ex and be tempted to break no contact
- Try to keep yourself occupied by focusing on work or hobby. Another way is to sign up for classes to learn something that you have always wanted to
What If Your Ex Contacts You During No Contact
It is possible that your ex might contact you during no contact. When that happens, what should you do?
Do you ignore your ex’s messages or phone calls?
Do you respond to your ex?
Ignoring your ex is not a good move if your goal is to get your ex back and rebuild a stronger, loving and lasting relationship with your ex. We all know good communication is key in any healthy relationship.
Ignoring means zero communication. Zero communication leads to misunderstanding.
When you choose to ignore your ex, two things might happen:
- Your ex will be angry at you. They might want to do the same to you if your ex is the vindictive type.
- Your ex will feel that you are immature and always choose to shut off instead of communicating like mature adults. You wouldn’t want your ex to think of you that way because it could make your ex have second thoughts about reconciliation.
My advice is that if you are emotionally ready to talk to your ex, then you can choose to reply to your ex. But you need to remember a few things:
- Keep the conversation fun and light-hearted
- Sound happy and positive in your replies
- Don’t get tempted to continue the conversation for hours
- Cut the conversation short at the high point while giving yourself a chance to pick up where you two left off at a later date
If you are still emotionally unstable, what you need to do is that you should let your ex know that you still need more time before you are ready to talk again.
Keep in mind that no contact period is for you to focus on yourself, not your ex.
What You Should Do During No Contact
To attract your ex back, you need to become the person your ex once fell in love with. Obviously, focusing on your ex is not going to help you get there. To achieve that, you need to work on yourself .
- Physical Appearance
When you two first started dating, you were initially drawn to each other because you find each other physically attractive.
So, let’s first work on your physical attractiveness. It is possible that you might have gotten too comfortable in the relationship and you no longer try to dress up for each other. Or, you have put on some weight because you lost the motivation to hit the gym regularly and to look good for your lover.
It is time to make yourself look amazing again.
So, the next time your ex sees you, you would leave a deep impression on your ex. I can assure you that you will be on his or her mind for quite some time.
Equally important is that you need to work on your mind. Breakups can make us irrational and emotional. In some extreme cases, people can fall into depression or even feel suicidal.
What I want to say is that you have the power to change the way you feel. The reason why you are feeling depressed is because you keep telling yourself why you should be feeling depressed to justify the way you are feeling. You might also think back all the negative experience you had in the past to make yourself stay in this depressed state.
How do we change our state?
First, you need to interrupt your thought pattern and shift your focus. To get yourself out of the depressed mental state, you need to stop your train of thoughts that are making you indulge in self-pity.
Secondly, you need to change your physiology, i.e. your posture. The way we stand or sit can affect the way we feel as well. For example, when you are standing up straight with your head up and shoulders back, are you more likely to feel confident or down? On the other hand, when you are standing with a hunched back and head down, are you more likely to feel down or happy?
- Improve Self-confidence
Confidence is a very attractive quality to both men and women. In order to attract your ex back, you need to work on regaining your self-confidence.
Breakups can cause your self-esteem to plummet because you feel rejected and unwanted. To rebuild your confidence, you need to understand that your self-worth is not determined by your ex, nor you need your ex to validate your self-worth.
You are special and you have your own strength and attractive traits. It is time to take out a piece of paper and list down all the things that you are good at, the things that your friends like about you and all the achievements you have accomplished so far(big or small).
Sometimes, you just need a little reminder about what an amazing person you are.
Your Ex Does Not Contact You During No Contact
It is possible that your ex never contacts you after the no contact period ends.
Don’t get discouraged.
Because it does not mean that your chances of getting back with your ex dropped to zero.
Let me reiterate here again. The main purpose of no contact rule is not meant to get your ex to contact you. It is meant for you to work on yourself, so you can heal and recover from the breakup faster and stand a better chance to winning your ex back.
When you regain your confidence and feel ready to reconnect with your ex again, you can always re-initiate contact with your ex yourself.