It’s been some time now since you have actually communicated with your ex. It might have been mere months, or it could even be years.
You still miss your ex and you’re thinking of reaching out to your ex, but you’re unsure how your ex will react to you.
This is especially so if you had a really bad break up, or you two stopped communicating because of something negative that happened between you two. Or worse, you are blocked.
However if you two had lost the communication on not so bad terms, or even on positive terms, then getting into communication can be easier than you think!
So whether you are blocked or not, here are two powerful ways you can reach out to your ex to re-establish contact.
Establishing Contact If You Lost Communication On Bad Grounds
If you are blocked, had some conflict, or arguments prior to you two stopping the communication, then it’s important to address the negative things that happened, and then propose to start on fresh grounds again.
And the best way to reach out to your ex would be through your ex’s email. The reason email is good is because it is less personal compared to texting or phone calls, and if you’re blocked, all you have to do is just create a new email, and you are able to have your message reach your ex.
And through email, you will be crafting what I call the Trojan Horse Letter.
Trojan Horse Letter
Before I give you the specifics of how to craft the “Trojan Horse Letter”, I want to give you the context behind this strategy so you have a good understanding about what this strategy is all about.
According to Greek mythology, sometime during the Trojan War around 13th century BC, the Greeks had been fighting the Trojans for a decade but the war was going nowhere. So the Greeks devised a strategy that would decisively win the war for the Greeks.
Their plan was to build a huge wooden horse and hide a select force of men inside. The Greeks placed the wooden horse in front of the gates of the City of Troy and pretended to sail away, letting the Trojans believe that they had won the war.
When the Trojans saw that the Greeks had sailed away and left a huge wooden horse, they pulled the horse into the city as a victory trophy. This lowered the Trojans defences because they thought they had already won.
But once the Trojan Horse was behind the walls of the City of Troy, the select force of men sneaked out of the horse at night, opened the gates of the city and the rest of the Greeks that had been lying in wait, invaded immediately and the Greeks won.
So like the Greeks, you will be creating a Trojan Horse Letter that basically is to communicate to your ex that you no longer will beg/plead/threaten/etc, and that you wish to be on friendly terms with them again.
This is the first step to getting back communication with your ex and letting them know that you have gotten over the break up and just want to be friends again.
What this letter will do very well is to neutralise any negative effect you had with your ex and make them be okay to be in contact with you again.
So here are the key elements you need to get across in your Trojan Horse Letter:
1) You’ve accepted the break up.
2) You’re moving on.
3) Give a compliment.
4) Give a criticism.
5) You would like to catch up in the future.
6) Leave it open for them to initiate contact if they want.
Keep the message no longer than 100-200 words long.
So here’s how you would construct a Trojan Horse Letter:
Hi [ex’s name],
I’m writing this to you because I did some reflections over the week and realized that I have been so inconsiderate towards you. I sincerely apologize for my behaviour when you broke up with me. Initially I couldn’t accept it because it came as a shock to me so I behaved the way I did. However I came to realize that you have your reasons for our breakup and I respect your decision because I have come to terms with our breakup☺
I want to thank you for having once been with me and I want you to be happy because you’re a nice guy (although really annoying at times haha!). So I hope you wouldn’t mind if we could at least remain friends because I feel life is too short to make enemies or be on non-friendly terms with anyone☺
Okay, let’s break down the elements of this Trojan Horse Letter:
I’m writing this to you because I did some reflections over the week and realized that I had been so inconsiderate towards you. I sincerely apologize for my behaviour when you broke up with me.
By starting off with this sentence, and apologizing, you will catch your ex off guard. Immediately when your ex reads this, he/she will think that you have truly changed because this is not what your ex was expecting. You also won’t come across as emotionally unstable because you did not mention that you will change or have changed. In fact, it shows that you have been thinking for your ex and your ex can clearly see that.
Initially I couldn’t accept it because it came as a shock to me so I behaved the way I did. However I came to realize that you have your reasons for our breakup and I respect your decision because I have come to terms with our breakup.
By explaining the reason why you initially behaved emotionally (begging/pleading/getting angry/ threatening, etc.), it tells your ex that you realized that you had been behaving emotionally, and maybe even almost to the point of being crazy.
But now you have settled down and have time to think about it, you now have come to terms and have accepted the breakup. This two sentences are specifically designed to let your ex think that you are no longer a “threat” or a “nuisance” (remember the Greeks sailing away and leaving the Trojan Horse at the door letting the Trojans think that they have won and that the war was over) to them.
I want to thank you for having once been with me and I want you to be happy because you’re a nice guy (although really annoying at times haha!).
You are showing that you truly have genuinely accepted the break up and with a fun comment and criticism, you show that you are no longer emotionally unstable and can also have a laugh now. This makes your ex feel safe that you aren’t going to harass them to get back with you the next time you make contact again.
So I hope you wouldn’t mind if we could at least remain friends because I feel life is too short to make enemies or be on unfriendly terms with anyone.
Lastly, when you ask to be friends, you are telling your ex that it’s okay to now be in contact with you without you wanting to get back with them. And you want to be genuine about this because you really just want to be friends for now.
Also the word “because” is a very powerful influence and persuasion word. Robert Cialdini, the author of the best-selling book Influence, found that when you used the word “because” in your requests, people are more willing to accept what you said regardless of your reason. According to Robert Cialdini:
In that particular study, a researcher asks the subject if she can cut in line to make copies. In each of three scenarios, she says something slightly different with surprising results:
“Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine?” Result: Only 60% of those asked complied.
“Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I’m in a rush?” Result: 94% of those asked let her skip ahead of them in line.
“Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I have to make some copies?” Result: 93% complied even though no real reason, no new information, was added.
Apparently, the reason (“I’m in a rush”) had virtually no impact on the subject letting her cut in line. Rather it was the use of the word “because” that triggered an automatic response in the subject.
So use the word “because” when you craft your letter out.
Take note, the whole purpose of this letter is not to get your ex back, but to let them feel that you are no longer going to be asking them to get back with you.
Once you have sent this letter, your ex will most likely be open to you being friends with them again, ensuring that you can easily contact them and win their heart back. If everything goes well, your ex should reply back saying that they are okay with being friends.
How To Reach Out If You Lost Communication On Positive Or Neutral Grounds
If you and your ex lost communication not because of some fight, conflict or argument, but just more of other reasons that isn’t exactly negative, then the best way to reach out to your ex would be through what I call the “Closing the Loop” message.
Closing The Loop Message
This message first comes off as a form of asking for some sort of “advice”. This will get your ex to link pleasure towards you.
Let me give you an example from one of my clients. I had a client whose ex loves to play slots. So what we did was to create a backstory on this first.
The backstory we came up with was that she had one day went to the casino with friends and her friends were all playing slots so she joined in as well.
And after playing for awhile, she struck a mini jackpot and she became thrilled and recalled that her ex loves playing slots.
So we planned a reach out to the ex based on this backstory and she wanted to ask for advice as her ex loves to talk about slot strategy.
So after asking for advice, she went out and implemented the advice and got great results from it. She then got back to her ex about the results she had gotten because of his advice and her ex was thrilled to hear this.
This worked really well. Her ex was so engaged that her ex eventually went out together with her to go play slots together.
The way to construct this message is really simple, and it evolves around your ex’s interest, passion and expertise.
So here are a few questions to help you think of topics that you can reach out to your ex to ask for advice in:
- What are your ex’s interests and passion?
- What is your ex good at doing?
- If given the chance, what can your ex talk about all day long?
Then you will construct a message in this fashion:
“Hey! How have you been? Sorry to trouble you out of the blue but I was wondering if I could get your advice on something – Recently [you get into the back story by which you are asking her for advice in]. Would it be alright if I asked a couple of quick questions in this area? It won’t take much of your time I promise!”
So in this message, you are basically coming off as polite as you can and this shows that you respect your ex’s time. And by letting your ex know that it won’t take too much time, it will increase the likelihood of your ex replying to you.
These are the 2 powerful reach-out methods to use to re-establish communication with your ex again, so do give them a try!
I’ve implemented the to trojan horse letter but does it work and do you go to no contact now ?