In all relationship be it professional or romance, at one point or the other, there comes a time when people disagree due to each holding on to different opinions.
And this is even more so in romantic relationships, where both parties after some time start to be less accommodating towards each other, and tend to take each other for granted.
For example, at the start of the relationship you might have been much more interested in what your partner is saying, or you would be more accommodating and loving. But as time passes in the relationship, you start to be less accommodating, and become more interested in getting your partner to understand you, rather than seeking to understand your partner.
When this happens, it leads to conflicts such as quarrels, arguments and disagreements. And as time passes, it could have gotten more and more frequent to the point where your partner can no longer take it and hence the breakup happened.
In general, conflicts don’t necessarily lead to break ups. In fact, conflicts can be an opportunity to create a stronger bond with your partner and to learn more about what your partner wants in the relationship.
What really made your ex want to break up ultimately comes down to two things:
- Either your ex is not happy in the relationship
- Or your ex is not feeling the way he/she wants to feel in the relationship
If your relationship is one that is full of conflicts, then chances are that your ex isn’t happy in the relationship.
And if your relationship is where the break up came out of the blue, where things were actually going well but your ex suddenly wanted space, or started to pull away for no reason at all, then chances are that your ex is not feeling the way he/she wants to feel in the relationship, and there are many different reasons for that.
Here are a few causes of break ups, or actions eventually leading to the break up:
Many couples today break up because of this. Finding out that your loved one has been cheating on you is reason enough to call it quits. If you found out that your ex is cheating on you, generally you will have the upper hand in getting the relationship back because it would be up to your ex to prove themselves worthy to be with you again, and to earn back your trust. But if you were the one that’s cheating, then it will be your onus to win back the trust of your ex, and to change your ways for good.
Lack of Communication
Busy schedules in our times have led to couples missing out on each other’s lives due to insufficient time, and even spending lesser physical time which leads to feeling distant to the point where the relationship doesn’t feel like one. This is an even more common issue in long-distance relationships. If both parties do not commit to each other with a set time to communicate each week, this can certainly lead to the break up. Usually, a simple talk to discuss this issue should be able to resolve it by understanding each other’s values and beliefs in this regard.
Secrets lead to the death of many relationships. Everyone has their own set limit when it comes to understanding. I’ve had quite a number of clients who have kept secrets from their partner and that had led to a lack of trust in the relationship, which eventually led to the break up.
If your partner and you have conflicting values and beliefs, then this would be much more evident as time passes in your relationship. For example, I have a number of clients whose values was that in a conflict, both parties should talk it out. Whereas their partners believed that the best way to handle a conflict would be to avoid it. So in this respect, both parties felt disrespected because it conflicted with their own values and beliefs.
How To Resolve Issues After A Break Up
After a break up, your ex will most likely act differently to how he/she was like in the relationship. They will generally be more cold, or indifferent to what you have to say. In certain cases, if you’re blocked or ignored, resolving this can be a challenge, but is certainly not impossible.
To get your ex back, you have to be strategic in your approach when you reach out. Here are the steps to take to resolve any issues that plagued your relationship after a break up.
Step 1: Let go of any expectations towards your ex
What not many people realise is that expectations are the killer of relationships because you want your partner to conform to the ideal scenario you have in your mind. For example I have a client who expects her ex to talk to her in a way that he shows interest and excitement towards her.
However that is just not realistic because her ex had broken up with her. When your ex breaks up with you, it’s basically your ex telling you that he/she wants nothing more to do with you in terms of a romantic relationship.
By expecting your ex to still treat you the same way as though you two are in a relationship will not only push your ex away, but will let your ex be even more convinced that the break up was the right thing to do.
If you want any chance of getting your ex back, it’s vitally important to let your ex feel through communication that you are not expecting anything of him/her, but rather you feel appreciative of your ex that he/she still wants to be in contact with you.
So remove any expectations you have of your ex, and trade it with appreciation for your ex. When you feel appreciative, your ex will feel more comfortable in his/her communication with you, and that can eventually also lead to getting your ex back.
Step 2: Forget about your relationship
Now, you must be saying “WHAT??” and wondering what I’m going on about here, but hear me out.
One of the biggest mistakes that many people make when trying to get their ex back is to immediately start talking about the past and what happened in the relationship. Unfortunately, most of the time that’s not what your ex wants to hear or talk about.
When they broke up with you, they have already considered the relationship dead. This is very normal so do not be surprised. Many of my clients feel that if they do not talk about the relationship, their ex might “move on” and it would be “too late” for them.
However there’s a huge flaw in that thinking. That’s because when your ex broke up with you, your ex had already decided to move on then and there. If your ex still hadn’t moved on, he/she would still be with you. So the fact that the break up happened shows that your ex has already moved on. So that is very important for you to understand that.
So when I say to forget your relationship, what I meant is to no longer try and revive that old relationship that got you into this mess in the first place. But rather you want to start a new relationship with your ex that is free from all the issues that started it in the first place.
And to do that you need to start in a friendly way.
Step 3: Approach your ex in a friendly way
The way to approach your ex in a friendly way is basically to just start conversations with your ex that lets your ex feel good towards you. The main way to get your ex to link pleasure towards you is to approach your ex around his/her interests.
You see, we all like talking about ourselves. There’s also a chance that your break up was also because you had tried to get your ex to understand you, than to understand your ex correct?
So this is a good time to let your ex feel a difference in you by starting a topic around your ex interests. You want to get your ex to share their experiences with you and to even ask your ex for advice around a topic that they are good at.
Ultimately, a relationship is all about how each one feels. And if you want your ex back, you need to start by learning what makes your ex feel good towards you.
Then the best way would be to approach with an apology.
Step 4: Show a change through a sincere apology
If your relationship ended badly where you had been pushing your ex to the point where he/she is frustrated with you and no longer wants to have anything to do with you, then you must sincerely apologise – without any ulterior motive.
This is very important because many people have an ulterior motive when wanting to apologise. They feel that if they just apologise to their ex, their ex will want them back or even want to communicate with them right away.
That is the wrong way to think of the apology because when you do it this way, it will show to your ex that your apology is for you, not for them.
You need to word your apology in a way where it shows that you are sincerely apologising, and do not have any ulterior motive.
As long as your ex feels that you want him/her back, then it’s going to fall on deaf ears. Therefore it’s vitally important to craft a letter that lets your ex feel your apology is sincere.
Finally, there is no one single way to get an ex back. There are a lot of factors that determine the best approach for your situation and that’s what I do for my clients.
Your Next Important Step: Now that what you must do to resolve the issues in your relationship, the next crucial step is to find out whether it’s too late to get your ex back.
Click on the box below to take the 2-minute quiz below to find out: