This is one of the most common question that I get from my clients:
” Should I try to get my ex back or move on? “
You may have reached a point where you feel there is no hope getting your ex back, or that your ex has been behaving in a way that made you re-think whether you want to get him/her back.
So should you get back with your ex, or should you move on?
Well, there are many different facets to this question and to help you make a much better informed decision, you will have to first thoroughly analyse and understand your situation.
There are a few different situation that you may be in now:
Your Ex Is With Someone New
If your ex is with someone new, then you need to first assess how is it making you feel in your situation.
Are you feeling always angry?
Do you feel betrayed and hurt?
Do you feel like confronting your ex and asking whether he/she cheated on you when you two were together?
Do you feel like hurting your ex for “doing this to you”?
If you feel like any of the above, then it would be hard to get back with your ex in the first place because you can’t let go of this hurt.
To get back with your ex, the very first thing you need to do is to forgive your ex for any hurt done to you.
Because if you don’t it can be very counteractive to trying to win your ex back. You can’t simply say you want your ex back, and then get mad at your ex or confront your ex, expecting that he/she will suddenly say sorry and then get back with you.
Just think about this logically:
You want your ex back. And in order to get your ex back, he/she has to first FEEL POSITIVE towards you before he/she can be attracted to you again.
But if you were to confront your ex about this new person in their life, how do you think your ex would feel towards you?
IF you want your ex back, you will have to be able to let go of all the hurt and to focus on getting your ex to link pleasure to you, instead of more pain.
Your ex left you in the first place because of the pain he/she associated to you and the relationship.
It makes no sense for you to further get mad at your ex and expecting him/her to want you back again.
So if you cannot let go of the hurt, anger and resentment towards your ex, then there is no point in trying to win your ex back, and it would be better to move on.
Your Ex Has Blocked You Or Is Ignoring You
If this is the case, then you might think that your situation is helpless and you feel that if you continue on this course to win your ex back, you might end up getting more hurt or disappointed.
Well, if this is the case, then you want to give yourself a “hard” time limit. What this essentially is, is to tell yourself that after a certain date (it can be week, months or years), if your situation doesn’t improve or you still cannot get your ex to be in communication with you again, then you can choose to move on.
But don’t be fooled thinking that you have no chance. More than 50 percent of my clients are either blocked, or their ex have someone new, or both.
You see, if you are blocked, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have absolutely no way to get in touch with your ex.
For example if you are blocked on your mobile, you can always reach out using a different number, or through email, physical address or mutual friend.
The best way to reach out to your ex (as I have advised all my clients) is to reach out using your ex’s email.
It is the least intrusive way and is less invasive than text messages.
And if your ex has blocked your email, you can simply create a new email address and your email will definitely get through to your ex.
So the issue does not lie in not being able to get through to your ex, but rather WHAT to say to your ex once you have contact with him/her. The problem lies in the main reason why your ex blocked you in the first place.
And that’s exactly where I come in to help my clients craft that message to re-establish communication with their ex again.
You Are Still In Contact With Your Ex
If you are still in contact with your ex and your ex is still single, the most common reason you might consider moving on is either the lack of progress you are having in your situation, or that your ex is doing something that is making you feel whether it’s worth it to get back with him/her.
For example, I have a client whose ex is continually making it really tough for him because his ex is constantly bringing up the past to blame him.
And when things seem to be going well, his ex would suddenly just blame him for the way she feels and that can cause quite a bit of “drama” or tension in the conversations.
And this cycle would keep happen over and over again. Things would go well, and suddenly the ex will find a reason to get mad at him.
So if you encounter such a situation, the first thing you need to do is NOT react in a negative manner. You certainly do not want to get angry as well and start a war with your ex.
What you need to do is to really understand the root of your ex’s anger, and why your ex is behaving this way.
In my client’s situation, it’s because his ex has a deep-rooted resentment for him for some of his behaviours in the relationship.
So I got him to validate her.
You need to validate your ex and let him/her know you understand where your ex is coming from and why your ex is behaving this way.
Then you just let your ex release his/her anger, but do not respond in kind. When that happens, it allows your ex to do two things:
- Let your ex release his/her anger and feel relieved
- Realise that he/she may have gone a little overboard
So this is really important if you want to have your ex to calm down and feel better again.
When my client did what I advised him to do, his ex started to feel much better again and even thanked him for not reacting in kind.
Another situation you might encounter is if your ex is not reacting as enthusiastically as you might like him/her to be.
You have tried “everything” but your ex just still doesn’t seem to respond positively.
If that’s the case, then you need to assess yourself by asking the following questions:
- How much do you really want your ex back?
- How much do you really love your ex?
- How long are you willing to try and win your ex back before you throw in the towel?
If you realise that your answers to the above questions indicate that you might not be that “in love” in your ex anymore, then you can choose to move on.
But if you feel that you really still do love her, then what I suggest is to use the “Best of Both Worlds” Approach.
Best of Both Worlds Approach
This is an approach that allows you to not feel as though your are “missing out” on your life and not “stay still” if your ex doesn’t come back to you.
So what this approach essentially is, is to open your hearts to the possibility of finding love with someone else, and at the same time still get your ex back.
So basically you will be dating as if you have already moved on, but at the same time still try to win your ex.
I found that when I introduced this approach to my clients, they feel a sense of relief and also confidence because they know that they won’t be putting their life on halt just for their ex.
So if you are in this dilemma of thinking whether you should try to get your ex back or not, then I strongly suggest you use this approach!