I’m sure you’re pretty aware of the No Contact Rule by now, and it has been used by countless guides on the internet.
The No Contact Rule simply states that you should not contact your ex for a minimum of 30 days, and hopefully somehow your ex will contact you during that time and want you back.
And if your ex doesn’t contact you at the end of the 30 days, you reach out to your ex.
So does this really work, and should you actually use the No Contact Rule in your situation?
Well, the answer is not necessarily. It all depends on your situation and circumstance on whether you should utilise the No Contact Rule of not in your situation.
In certain situations it can certainly help, but in other situations, it might actually harm more than it helps.
So how do you know if you should use the No Contact Rule or not?
Let’s find out.
The Real Definition of The No Contact Rule
Many people believe the going No Contact is actually a strategy to get your ex back. Unfortunately, and I hate to break this to you, the No Contact Rule is actually NOT a strategy to get your ex back.
Yes, in certain cases it may get your ex back, but that would be purely relying on luck. But in most situations, the No Contact Rule doesn’t do anything to get your ex back.
So if it doesn’t help you get your ex back, then what’s the point in carrying out the No Contact Rule?
It’s basically to help you get into the right mental and emotional state needed to win your ex back.
You see, the reason your ex broke up with you all leads to one main thing – a loss of attraction for you.
Now the reason for the actual break up can be different of course. For example, here are some of the more common reasons for a break up:
- You were too controlling in the relationship
- You were too needy, clingy and insecure in the relationship
- You often started fights in the relationship
- You cheated on your ex, or your ex cheated on you
- Your ex found someone new or got back with their past lover
- Your ex no longer has any feelings for you
- You were causing too much drama in the relationship
- You were very negative in the relationship
- You started to show less affection and care towards your ex
- You broke up with your ex first but later on asked your ex back but your ex no longer wants the relationship
In all these cases, and any other reasons similar to the above, it always boils down to your ex ultimately having a loss of attraction towards you. And that led your ex to no longer want the relationship with you anymore.
So in all these cases, you will need to understand what caused the loss of attraction in the first place.
For most people, it’s the “change in perception” that your ex has towards you. That means your ex no longer sees you as the person who he / she first fell in love with.
So how will the No Contact Rule work in this case?
Basically if you are emotional, negative, and still desperate to have your ex back, then this is where you need to utilise the No Contact Rule because if you do get in contact with your ex now, you may have the urge to ask your ex to get back you again, or talk about the relationship with your ex again.
And this “talk” will inevitably push your ex even further away.
So if you constantly have the urge to want to ask your ex to get back with you, or want to talk about the relationship, then you have to use the No Contact Rule, and during this time, work on yourself. Work on your mindset and emotional control before you get in contact with your ex again.
When No Contact Rule Doesn’t Apply To Your Situation
With all the above said, of course there are definitely situations where you do not have to use the No Contact Rule.
Here are a few situations where you aren’t able to use the No Contact Rule:
1) You Live Together With Your Ex
If you live together with your ex, then it’s basically impossible to get into No Contact because you both will most likely see each other often.
So instead of actually doing No Contact, a better strategy would be to maintain contact with your ex, but in a very friendly and polite manner so that you can get your ex to link pleasure towards you.
Over time, this can let your ex feel positive towards you, and feelings can develop towards you again.
2) You Work / Study Together With Your Ex
If you work or study together, it really depends on whether your arrangement at work or school requires interaction between you two.
If it requires interaction with your ex, then you will also be unable to get into No Contact in this case. So what you should do instead would be to also maintain contact with your ex (but only when necessary – meaning if it’s for work or studies), but also keep the conversation very light, fun and friendly.
3) You Both Have Children Together
If you have children together with your ex, then No Contact is certainly impossible if you two are still sharing the responsibility of looking after your children.
In this case, the better strategy would actually to use your children as a leverage to improve your communication with your ex. (Note: I do NOT mean to use your kids as leverage to get your ex back. that is absolutely not what you want to do because it can be seen as manipulation).
So what I actually mean is that since you will have to have communication with your ex because of your children, you want to use each opportunity to link pleasure in your ex towards you.
Good communication allows your ex to have good feelings towards you. And with good feelings, you will be able to get your ex to link pleasure towards you, and that can bring attraction back again.
4) You Need To Be In Contact With Your Ex For Various Reasons
Some times you probably need to get in contact with your ex for different reasons like settling the bills, or settling your divorce, taking things back from your ex, or for other various reasons.
In such instances, what you want to do is first communicate what you need to in a very friendly and polite manner.
Again at no time should you talk about the relationship here. It can be a stressful situation depending on what you two have to keep in communication for.
So the best move here is to first settle what it is you have to reach out to your ex for. Then only after settling those things, you wait for a couple of weeks before reaching out to establish communication again.
The important thing here is to make communication as friendly as possible in the initial stage, so that when you reach out again later, your ex will be more willing to be in communication with you.
Then there are situations where you do not have to have contact with your ex, but you certainly do not need to use the No Contact Rule:
1) You Have Broken Up With Your Ex For A Long Time
If you have broken up with your ex for a long time and probably already lost contact during that time, then there certainly is no need to do the No Contact Rule because you already have not been in contact for a long time.
So at this point, it’s certainly possible to reach out to re-establish communication with your ex again.
2) Your Ex Is Initiating Messages To You
If you are already have communication with your ex, and your ex has been initiating messages to you, then there really is no need to get into No Contact because if you just get into No Contact, it’s possible for your ex to get offended. Your ex might because of this think that you are ignoring him / her. And strategically, that’s not what you want your ex to feel.
So a better way would be to continue the communication and use this as an opportunity to link more pleasure in your ex towards you.
3) You Have Remained Friend With Your Ex
If you have remained friends with your ex, then there certainly is no need to get into No Contact. Rather, the better move would be to use this opportunity to get your ex to feel good towards you again.
I always tell my clients this “Being friends is the backdoor to your ex’s heart again”. Not only is it a strategic move to get your ex back, but by being friends first, you are able to get to really go through the whole dating process again with your ex and that’s where positive emotions and attraction can really start to build up.
The Real Way To Get Your Ex Back
The most important concept to understand while you are on this journey to get your ex back is that relationships are all based on feelings.
What that means is that you cannot talk your way back into a relationship. You cannot tell your ex you want to talk about what happened and try to iron things out so that your ex would want to try again with you.
That hardly works because relationships aren’t logical, but are feelings. And what that really means is that your ex MUST first feel good and positive towards you.
If your ex doesn’t feel positive and have good feelings towards you, then no matter how you talk about the relationship, it will never get your ex to want you back.
So right now in your situation, is it too late to get your ex back? Take the 2-minute quiz below and find out exactly what steps you have to do right now in your situation to begin on your journey to getting your ex back: