If you’re wondering what are the stages of a breakup for dumpers, and what goes through the mind of your ex for each of the stages…

Then you’re also likely wondering which stage you’re currently in and whether you still have a chance to get your ex back.

In total, there are 5 stages of a breakup for dumpers, from pre-breakup to post-breakup.

And in this post, you will discover exactly what’s going on in your ex’s mind in each of the stages, and when is the best time to try and get your ex back.

Now, if you were to see other articles regarding this topic…

You will notice that most of them only talk about what happens AFTER the breakup has happened.

But the truth is that your ex didn’t just suddenly want to break up with you on the day the breakup happened.

In fact, your ex most likely had been thinking about the breakup for some time while you both were still together.

And if you were able to notice that back then, you could have prevented the breakup from happening.

So in this post, I will also share with you how you could have potentially stopped the breakup from happening…

And while I know you’re no longer with your ex, it’s still important to know because I’m sure this will not be your last relationship.

Chances are that you will either get back with your ex (with the help of the invaluable advice I give in my blog posts :))…

Or that you will get together with someone new in the future.

So by arming yourself with this knowledge, you can be more successful in your future relationships.

Without further ado, here are the 5 complete stages of a breakup for dumpers from pre-breakup to post-breakup, starting with…

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Stage 1: Unhappiness & Dissatisfaction

The very first stage of a breakup for dumpers is Unhappiness & Dissatisfaction.

Believe it or not, ALL breakups start off when your ex is beginning to feel unhappy or unsatisfied in the relationship.

Because why would your ex want to break up with you if your ex is perfectly happy in the relationship?

Of course, there are some exceptions to this (although it rarely happens).

For example, I had a coaching client whose ex broke off with him because his ex had a terminal illness and didn’t want to be a burden to him.

His ex was perfectly happy in the relationship, but his ex felt guilty that she didn’t have long to live.

They also didn’t have any children together, which made his ex even more guilty.

His ex wanted him to find someone new and start a family so he wouldn’t be sad or lonely when she died.

In this case, the reason for the breakup is his ex’s selflessness. She didn’t want him to be lonely and sad after she died.

Long story short, my client worked with me and we managed to convince his ex to continue the relationship for however long she has left in this world.

But again, this is the exception.

99% of the time, your ex broke up with you because he/she was unhappy or unsatisfied in the relationship.

But you might argue, “My ex broke up with me because of someone new”.

Here’s the thing…

IF your ex was truly happy and satisfied in the relationship, why would your ex even look for someone new?

Now, you might say that this guy/girl flirted with your ex and seduced your ex to be with him/her.

You might even say that there was nothing wrong with your relationship.

However, if a guy/girl truly loves you, and is happy and satisfied in the relationship with you…

He/She would not even let himself/herself get tempted by someone else in the first place!

For example, if someone really tried to seduce your ex, why didn’t your ex just stand up and leave?

Why didn’t your ex tell that person that he/she loved you and don’t want to jeopardize your relationship?

A Lack In The Relationship

Many times, when an ex falls for someone new, it’s because of a lack of something in the relationship.

It could be a lack of physical attraction, which may come from a change in your physique or a lack of intimacy.

It could also be a lack of emotional connection, which comes from a difference in interest or the lack of communication.

Or it could be a lack of love, which comes from taking each other for granted and not showing the love and care like how it was at the start of the relationship.

Whenever I take on a new coaching client, the first thing I would ask them is what they thought was the reason for the breakup.

In some cases, exes could give the reason for the breakup.

But in other cases, exes could just break up and not give any reason.

So, when I asked my coaching clients this question, these are some of the answers I got…

Constant Fighting & Conflicts

“The reason for break up was mainly down to having regular bickers last few months.”

While having conflicts in a relationship is part and parcel of a relationship…

When the bickering, quarrelling and fights become too frequent, it will inevitably lead to unhappiness in the relationship.

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Insecurity, Jealousy & Possessiveness

“He felt that I was insecure, jealous and controlling. I was insecure and jealous in the relationship not controlling.”

Insecurity, jealousy and being controlling in the relationship can lead to unhappiness and dissatisfaction in the relationship, if not managed properly.

Notice that my client mentioned that her ex thought she was controlling.

But she didn’t think that she was controlling.

When this happens, this leads to a difference in perception towards each other.

Because she didn’t think she was controlling, she continued to do what was seen as controlling in her ex’s eyes.

Needless to say, this led to her ex’s unhappiness in the relationship.

No Emotional Connection

“She is mad and I don’t know why. She doesn’t want to talk much said she shuts down and I don’t understand it we do talk or text daily. We were happy and bang, it ended.”

Clearly, this client’s ex was not happy in the relationship.

And my client doesn’t even know why his ex was mad.

This suggests that my client did not have an emotional connection with his ex.

When you have an emotional connection with someone, that person can’t wait to talk with you.

But when there’s no emotional connection, sooner or later, that person will lose interest in talking with you.

“Cheating is most of the time a result of unhappiness or feeling unsatisfied in the relationship. Were you feeling unhappy in the relationship at that time?”

Stage 2: Contemplation

The second stage of a breakup for dumpers is Contemplation.

This is where your ex starts contemplating the idea of a breakup.

At this point, your ex most likely doesn’t want to break up just yet.

Your ex could be waiting to see if anything changes in the relationship in the coming days, weeks and months before deciding.

Your ex might even have verbally told you to change or he/she will leave you.

So while your ex hasn’t decided to break up with you yet, your ex is already finding reasons in his/her mind about whether he/she should break up with you.

This is also where your ex could start to show a change in behaviour.

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A Change In Behaviour

For example, your ex might start to pull away and stop spending time with you.

“Everything shifted because he suddenly thought I was a needy and dependent woman and that was suffocating for him. A few weeks before the breakup, he stopped wanting to get closer to me and started becoming cold and less motivated to spend time together.”

This was what my client experienced prior to the breakup.

Pulling away is one of the signs that your ex is starting to contemplate a breakup.

It is also one of the most common behaviours that happen right before the breakup.

But not all exes pull away just before a breakup.

Another of my client experienced this:

“Prior to the breakup, we started to get into more fights and quarrels. She kept nit-picking at things she didn’t like me to do and also kept saying nasty things to me whereas at the start of the relationship she was more loving and kind.”

In this case, instead of pulling away, my client’s ex started to become increasingly frustrated and angry.

His ex’s unhappiness grew as time passed which made her easily angry and upset, which ultimately led to the breakup.

Another client experienced this:

“So near the end of our relationship, we started arguing about the most random things. A couple of days before we broke up he was acting so strange and odd and not himself and of course I noticed. We talked one night and he was clearly not being himself.”

So a change in behaviour is usually the first sign that your ex is in this stage of Contemplation.

At this point, your ex is deliberating whether the relationship can continue.

This is also the time when you have a window of opportunity to salvage your relationship.

So if you’re getting into more fights and quarrels in the relationship than usual…

Or your lover is starting to pull away…

Then it’s time to tell your partner that you love him/her and want to make this relationship work.

Then sit down and work out TOGETHER on how to make the relationship better for both of you.

When you do this, you reassure your partner of your love for him/her and you remind both of you why you both first got together in the first place!

After all, you didn’t get into a relationship only to end up in a breakup, right?

It’s the same for your ex.

Ultimately, your ex also wants the relationship to work out.

And you actually have the power to turn things around and stop breakup then.

But what happens if you didn’t realise that your ex is unhappy or unsatisfied in the relationship until it’s too late?

This is where your ex gets into the next stage, and that is…

Stage 3: Conviction

The third stage of a breakup for dumpers is Conviction.

At this point, your ex has most likely concluded that nothing is going to change in the relationship.

Your ex has already given enough time in his/her mind to see a change in you, but it hasn’t happened.

This is where your ex has decided that “enough is enough” because your ex is tired of hoping that things get better, only to be further disappointed and hurt.

In short, your ex no longer wants to feel unhappy and wants out.

This is where you hear the dreaded words, “Let’s break up” and the breakup happens.

And no matter what you say to your ex will NOT change his/her mind.

That’s why even if you beg, cry, plead, or even God-forbid, threaten your ex to get back with you…

It will not work.

That’s because, at that point in time during the breakup, your ex has reached the breaking point.

It’s like if you put too much weight on a twig, it will eventually snap.

And when it snaps, you can’t simply try and put the broken part of the twig back and hope it holds.

When it snaps, it snaps and nothing can fix it back.

That’s why nothing you do or say can change your ex’s mind at that moment, even if it’s the things that your ex wanted to hear long before the breakup happened.

Your Ex Is Convinced That The Breakup Must Happen

Here are some of the things my clients did when their ex broke up with them:

“The day before she left I tried to explain everything to her, I said I’ve done everything to keep her happy! After a week I sent a message saying I felt sorry for what happened and I accept the situation, she said thanks for understanding. But she said she already took the decision and never will come back. She said don’t waste your time and energy move on.”

“I begged and cried and pleaded, pretended to be cool about the new girl, who moved in with him for complicated reasons. Then took space for a bit, trying to only discuss our child. But he still doesn’t want me back and says that I cause too much drama.”

“I tried talking to her, sent flowers, contacted family and friends. She told me to never contact her again and blocked me.”

“After the initial text message break up I stated i would call later and we can talk. He ignored it. I tried calling, he ignored it. I drove to his and said I was outside – that it was important we talk. He sent an abusive message and proceeded to block me.”

In all these cases, you can see that my clients’ exes already had a strong conviction to end the relationship there and then.

And sometimes, your ex doesn’t even want to hear what you have to say.

Your ex is already convinced that there’s no point staying in the relationship.

So while you might try to do whatever you can to stop the breakup, it’s already too late.

But that doesn’t mean you still can’t get your ex back.

It just means that your ex is not ready to talk about the relationship yet.

That’s why you want to wait till the last stage of the breakup before you try and get your ex back (as you’ll see later on :)).

Now, you might also be wondering, what does your ex feel right after the breakup?

Do they actually feel guilt, remorse, or regret?

The answer is NO.

Well, at least not yet 🙂

That’s because your ex will first feel…

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Stage 4: Relief

The fourth stage of a breakup for dumpers is Relief.

Right after the breakup has happened, and after all the “drama” has ended…

Your ex would start to feel a sense of relief.

That’s because your ex no longer has to be in a situation of being unhappy or unsatisfied.

To your ex, he/she would most likely have a sense of freedom.

It’s also almost as if a weight has been lifted off your ex’s shoulders.

At this point, you may or may not be in contact with your ex.

In certain situations, you can’t be in contact with your ex because your ex has blocked you.

So there’s no way you can contact your ex.

In other situations, you might have to be in constant contact with your ex because you could be working together with your ex…

You could be living with your ex…

Or you might have children with your ex.

If you are at this current stage where your ex just broke up with you…

The best move right now would be to give your ex as much space as possible.

That’s because if you continue to reach out to your ex unnecessarily, then your ex can get annoyed to the point your ex blocks you (if you’re not already blocked)…

Or your ex might even get a restraining order on you, which is definitely not what you want.

So here’s what you want to do for each of the following situations to have the best chance of getting your ex back…

Your Ex Has Blocked You

If you’re currently blocked, that just means you have most likely annoyed your ex to the point your ex no longer wants to have any form of communication with you.

In this case, it’s pointless to try and reach out to your ex immediately.

That’s because the more you try to reach out to your ex, the more you will come across as needy and desperate in your ex’s eyes.

And understanding Perception is very important if you want to get your ex back.

If your ex has a negative perception of you, then constantly reaching out to your ex will only let your ex feel more convinced that the breakup was the right thing to do.

Instead, get into No Contact for a period of at least 30 – 60 days.

Why?

That’s because, in this Relief Stage, your ex just wants to be away from you.

This might be a tough pill to swallow, but your ex believes that he/she will be happier without you.

So it’s important to give your ex this time and space away from you.

And contrary to what you might believe…

This period of No Contact is actually beneficial to you to get your ex back in the future.

That’s because if your ex doesn’t hear from you for a period of time, the negative feelings can gradually start to fade away with time.

This way when you reach out after No Contact, your ex can be more receptive to you contacting him/her.

As they say, time heals all wounds.

In this case, it’s emotional wounds.

Now, while not all wounds will be healed, doing No Contact can help your ex become more open to communication when you eventually reach out.

So let me iterate…

When you’re blocked by your ex, the best thing you can do is give your ex time and space for at least 30 – 60 days.

This way when you reach out to your ex after that, your ex will be out of the Relief Stage and possibly be more receptive to communicating with you.

But you might be asking, “How do I reach out to my ex if I’m blocked?”

As the saying goes, when there’s a will there’s a way!

While your ex may have blocked you from texting channels (i.e. WhatsApp, iMessage, Snapchat, etc.)…

There are still other ways that you can reach out to your ex.

Here are just a few of the other communication channels you can use to reach out to your ex:

• Email (even if you’re blocked here, you can simply create a new Email address)
• Social media platforms
• Physical address
• Mutual friends
• A different mobile number

But before you contact your ex, I want to CAUTION you…

Do NOT reach out to your ex unless you know exactly what to say to your ex.

Otherwise, you might risk your ex getting a restraining order on you!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

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You Need To Be In Contact With Your Ex For Various Reasons

If you need to be in contact with your ex because you live with your ex, or you both have children together…

Or you work together with your ex…

Or for any other reasons that are necessary for you to keep in contact with your ex…

Then you MUST strictly follow these guidelines if you want to create a positive perception in your ex towards you:

• Let your ex feel good about himself/herself when talking to you (i.e. encourage, motivate, compliment, say positive things).
• Compliment and validate your ex whenever you have the chance in the conversation.
• Do NOT argue or get into a quarrel.
• Let your ex view you as very positive. People love happy people.
• Keep the conversation light and fun always.
• Be very polite and friendly.
• Absolutely NO serious talks about the relationship.

When you follow these guidelines whenever you have any form of contact with your ex…

It will gradually let your ex feel more positive towards you.

Here’s an analogy that I always tell my clients…

Imagine that your ex is holding an empty cup.

Each time you link pleasure to your ex, that cup will be filled little by little.

And each time you make your ex link pain to you, that cup will be emptied.

Your goal is to make that cup overflow.

Don’t forget, your ex broke up with you for a reason.

And if you’ve been paying attention so far, you will know that it’s because your ex is unhappy or unsatisfied in the relationship.

So when you follow the above guidelines, it can remind your ex of how it felt like when you both first got together.

There’s no pressure, and your interactions are fun and full of laughter.

And if you do this consistently over time, it can get your ex to feel positive enough towards you to the point your ex could reconsider the relationship again.

You’re Currently Not In Contact With Your Ex But Can Be In Contact

If you are already in No Contact, then you are already doing good.

That’s because when you give your ex time and space from you…

Your ex will also feel that you are respecting his/her time.

This is a good thing.

Too many times I get emails from people saying:

“I’m running out of time. I’m afraid if I don’t reach out to my ex soon, my ex will find someone new.”

“I need to contact my ex soon or he/she will forget about me.”

“I fear my ex will move on if I don’t contact him/her soon.”

Do any of these resonate with you?

You see, what you need to understand is that your ex is now in the stage of Relief.

If you were to contact your ex during this time, it can get your ex to feel pushed and pressured by you.

And that’s not going to help you win your ex back.

Here’s an analogy.

Imagine you’ve just completed a project that you’ve spent months working on.

At this point, you’re probably feeling relieved that you’re finally out of the project and you no longer have to work on it.

And all you’re looking forward to doing is just relax for a while.

But then all of a sudden, your boss calls you up and tells you that you have to immediately take on a new project.

How would that make you feel towards your boss?

Chances are that you would not feel very positive towards your boss.

Your mind might even be thinking that you’ve had enough and you don’t want to touch another project for a while.

Well, that’s pretty similar to how your ex is feeling towards you.

But what if you’ve already had a break for some time and then your boss tells you about the next project?

While you may not necessarily be excited about it, you would at least be more open to hearing about it now compared to when you just finished the previous project, right?

Similarly, you need to give your ex time and space for your ex to relax and heal any emotional wounds during this Relief Stage.

That’s because once you let your ex have their time and space from you, they can then be more open to communicating with you in the 5th and final stage…

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Stage 5: Emptiness & Loneliness

The fifth and final stage of a breakup for dumpers is Emptiness & Loneliness.

If you want to have a good shot at getting your ex back, then you want to do it during this stage of the breakup for dumpers.

That’s because, at this point, your ex can start to feel a sense of emptiness and loneliness.

You see, we are all born into this world to love.

While there are people in this world that have given up on love, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want love.

They may have been hurt so much in relationships that they are afraid to even put themselves in a position to get hurt again.

Some people even believe that finding true love is not possible.

So they convince themselves that they don’t need love.

However, it doesn’t take away the emptiness and loneliness they feel.

Dumper’s Remorse

For most people, we want to love.

And if you’re reading this, chances are that you want to love and be loved as well!

That’s human nature. We want to find love, and we want to be loved.

That is why after the Relief Stage, your ex is likely ready to find love again.

Your ex could even possibly start to feel a sense of regret in breaking up with you.

And it is what’s commonly known as the Dumper’s Remorse.

When this happens, your ex could think back to the happy times you both had.

There’s a saying that goes, “Absence make the heart grow fonder.”

And because you have done No Contact and gave your ex time and space from you…

That could make your ex miss you too!

And this can provide a good opportunity for you to reconnect with your ex again.

However, not all dumpers have the Dumper’s Remorse.

Some people view their exes as, “Out of sight, out of mind.”

This happens when you had caused a lot of hurt to your ex that your ex can’t even imagine being with you again.

In this case, while your ex may still feel emptiness and loneliness…

It doesn’t mean your ex will regret breaking up with you.

The good news is that your ex could still be open to communication with you.

For example, I’ve had many clients whose exes have ignored them or ignored them during the Relief Stage.

But after a period of having time and space away from them, their ex became more open to communication with them.

Here’s an example of a client I had who was ignored by her ex for months but ended up getting back with her ex, even though her ex had someone new:

“Just before signing up for personal coaching with Coach Louise, I had lost all hope of ever again becoming romantically involved with my ex.

After a few months of being in contact with him thanks to Coach Louise’s help — after 8 long months of silence — I had introduced the idea of exploring love together, but he insisted he could only be friends with me and at that point was dating a much younger and prettier woman and they had been together for months. I was crushed.

When I told Coach Louise my story, she responded by saying she thought that my situation could be a very special love story, I felt better instantly. It was just the shred of hope I’d been looking for.

What I appreciated about Coach Louise’s personal coaching service was her daily infusion of hope, along with her reminder not to “do anything rash”. I know that part of what made my story successful was that, if I was feeling downhearted or hopeless about my situation, I could direct that energy in Coach Louise’s direction, and not my ex’s, which would surely have turned him (or anyone) off.

Coach Louise kept my focus on the exercise from her lessons. Reading the lessons, and really thinking about and answering the questions, helped to keep my mind focused on more positive thoughts, and helped me to maintain confidence and light-and-friendly talk with my ex. 

While I was under Coach Louise’s tutelage, never once did I communicate any frustration to my ex; I was able to whine all I wanted to Coach Louise instead, and she kept my spirits up with her daily assurances that feelings and his attraction for me can be grown through influencing my ex in a positive way, and that I should be patient and remain positive. 

She had me really focused on changing myself from within and teaching me the concepts of how attraction works, and I must say that that was one of the most eye-opening lessons I’ve ever had as it really opened my eyes to how I could get my ex to be attracted to me again.

And finally after some time after contacting Coach Louise and carrying out the customised plan she had for me, guess what happened? My ex declared his love for me, and we began rediscovering our romance again. 

Even though we live in different states, we have been traveling to see each other on the weekends, and it has been wonderful seeing how far he will go, and how much he will do, in order to earn my happiness. And he has already asked me to consider marrying him — and seems very unwilling to take “no” for an answer!

I am so grateful to Coach Louise for her marvelous service and giving me encouragement to persist when I wanted to give up. She insisted that I focus on the constructive exercises in her program, which helped to keep me focused on my heart’s dearest desires, and to keep my thoughts as positive as possible.

She gave me hope, and provided a safe place to direct my angst, on those days when I felt weak and hopeless. I truly believe that, because I was able to channel my insecurities to a mentor with experience in counseling the lovelorn, that this kept my energy positive when I was communicating with my ex, and, as Coach Louise always reinforced … because my energy made my ex feel good things, it helped to draw my ex more and more towards me.

Now I have everything I ever dreamed of from my ex — and more! Thank you, Coach Louise! 

Floating away on Cloud Nine,

Susan”

This is just one of the many testimonials I get from people, just like you, who I’ve had the privilege to help get their ex back.

Conclusion

Now that you know the 5 complete stages of a breakup for dumpers, how are you going to use this information to get your ex back in your situation?

The first step is to identify which stage you’re currently in.

If your breakup has happened just recently, then chances are that your ex could be in the Relief Stage.

At this point, it’s best to give your ex some time and space.

Remember, time can heal emotional wounds.

It may not heal all the wounds, but it can heal enough for your ex to be open to communication again in the Emptiness & Loneliness Stage.

If your breakup has been for some time already, then you are likely in the final stage where your ex might feel a sense of emptiness and loneliness.

This can be your opportunity to reach out to your ex to link pleasure in your ex towards you.

Follow the guidelines I gave above and focus on managing your mindset and emotional state well.

If you managed to get in contact with your ex, good job!

Focus on fun and light conversations, and if possible, make your ex laugh.

Come across as positive and definitely do NOT say anything that will let your ex feel pushed or pressured.

At this point, you might want to also reread Stages 1 to 3.

That’s because if you want to get back with your ex, you will need to know what caused your ex to break up with you in the first place.

Only once your ex sees that you have changed and that things can be different from how it was towards the end of your relationship…

Then your ex can reconsider the relationship again.

Your Next Step

Would you like me to personally coach you and guide you on exactly what to do & say in your specific situation to get your ex back?

You see, I get lots of emails every day from people asking me to help them:

And I’ve had many coaching clients that got their ex back as a result of my Coaching Programs. Here are just some of the many success stories from my coaching clients:

And I would love to help you get your ex back as well.

But unfortunately, the truth is that NOT all relationships are salvageable.

So in order for me to determine if I can actually help you get your ex back, please take just 2 short minutes to answer the quiz below, and you will find out if you have a good chance to get your ex back or not: