This is one of the guides I have been wanting to write for the longest time. It teaches you how to get back with your ex after breakup. Inside this guide, we will go in-depth about the following areas:
- Mistakes You Should Avoid Making If You Want Your Ex Boyfriend Back
- Understand Why Your Relationship Failed
- Determine Whether It Is A Good Idea To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
- The Importance Of Getting Your Emotions Under Control And How You Can Do It
- The No Contact Rule Vs Limited Contact Rule – Does It Really Help You Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
- How To Talk To Your Ex The Right Way And Make Your Ex Boyfriend Want You Back
Mistakes You Might Be Making That Hurt Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back
Are you making the following mistakes when it comes to winning your ex back? If yes, you have to know that making these mistakes will only push him further away from you.
- Begging and Pleading
When your ex boyfriend broke up with you, your first reaction might be begging and pleading with your him not to leave you. In most cases, begging and pleading does not work because your ex boyfriend most probably has been thinking about ending the relationship for quite some time before having the breakup talk with you.
Seeing you cry and beg might make them feel guilty about the decision, but that is not going to change their mind about the breakup because they knew deep down that they would end up breaking up with you and hurting you again soon after.
Begging will also make you look needy and emotionally unstable, which are unattractive to your ex boyfriend. Furthermore, your ex boyfriend will think that he can have you back any time they want. This reduces the urgency of getting back with you.
- Texting and Calling Nonstop
It is very common to bombard your ex boyfriend with text messages or phone calls after breakup, as a desperate attempt to try to hold on to what you have just lost.
Whether you are trying to get answers from your ex boyfriend or you are trying to convince your ex to give the relationship a second chance, the truth is that your ex boyfriend is only going to get so annoyed that he will simply stop responding to your messages or calls or even block you.
- Sending Cute or Expensive Gifts
Surprising your ex boyfriend with cute or expensive gifts would definitely make him happy IF you were still a couple. When you two are no longer together, such romantic gesture would only make your ex boyfriend feel uncomfortable.
It also shows your ex boyfriend how desperate you are trying to win him back. Looking desperate is the last thing you want if you really want your ex boyfriend to come back to you.
- Showing Up Unannounced At Their House
Showing up at your ex’s place unannounced is not only going to startle your ex boyfriend, but it will also make you look like a creepy and crazy person.
Your persistence and obsession with your ex boyfriend in this case does more harm than you can imagine because your ex boyfriend is going to put up his guard if not already thinking about getting a restraining order against you.
- Drunk Dialing
Drunk dialing your ex boyfriend at 2:00am and saying something that you probably won’t remember the next morning can only lead to one thing, which is that you call your ex boyfriend to apologize for your inappropriate behavior the night before.
On top of that, your ex boyfriend will know that you are still badly affected by the breakup and unable to move on. To prevent you from embarrassing yourself, you should tell your friends who you are out drinking with to stop you from calling your ex at any cost.
Analyzing Breakup Reasons
Now, the next step would be to understand why your ex broke up with you. This is important because it helps you get a better idea about how to make the relationship work out this time around.
- Your Ex Boyfriend Lost Attraction To You
Your ex boyfriend is no longer attracted to you after being in a relationship with you for years.
Did you stop taking care of your looks and let yourself go along the way because you are too comfortable being in a steady relationship with your ex?
Did you stop keeping things exciting for each other?
Did everything feel routine and boring to you and your ex boyfriend?
Attraction can fade over time between couples because of the increased familiarity and predictability. That is why it is important to make conscious effort to keep the spark alive by injecting newness and excitement into the relationship.
- Your Ex Boyfriend Moving Away For Study Or Work
Sometimes, your ex boyfriend initiated the breakup because he is moving away for work or study. Being a logical person, your ex boyfriend doesn’t think that long distance relationship would work out.
I know it must have hurt a lot because your ex boyfriend just assumed that your relationship would not survive the long distance and never even wanted to give it a try.
Although statistics are on your ex’s side, I have seen quite a lot of couples get married after years of being in a long distance relationship.
What is the secret?
Both of them understand the challenges they will face and are prepared to make sacrifices and put in efforts to keep the relationship going.
- Your Ex Boyfriend Broke Up With You Because Of Frequent Fights
Your ex boyfriend could get tired of the endless arguments and fights with you and has had enough of it. Constant argument and fights easily drain the love and passion from a relationship. Lovers become bitter enemies.
Yes, all couples have arguments without doubt. In fact, a certain amount of arguments between couples is healthy for the relationship as they can share their opposing views and let each other know where they come from.
However, when arguing becomes frequent and aggressive and turns into fights, it might make your ex feel the relationship is not viable.
- Your Ex Boyfriend Fear Commitment
Did you drop hints about wanting to move in together?
Did you always talk about wanting to settle down and get married?
Did you want to take your ex boyfriend to meet your parents?
You might be too eager to move the relationship to the next level and it scares your ex boyfriend away because he is not ready for making such a big commitment yet.
Your ex boyfriend could also decide to end the relationship because he thinks that there is something better out there.
Maybe your ex boyfriend met someone new and interesting and started having second thoughts about the relationship. Maybe your ex boyfriend’s good friends are all going out partying and having fun dating new people, and your ex boyfriend feels that he is missing out.
The reason why people have the grass is greener on the other side syndrome is because that they always want what they don’t have and don’t appreciate what they already have.
The truth is that grass is not always greener on the other side. What is certain is that grass will always be greener where you water it.
Is It A Good Idea To Get Back With Your Ex Boyfriend?
The question you need to ask yourself is whether you have a good reason to get your ex boyfriend back.
A lot of you tell me that:
- You miss your ex boyfriend very much
- You cannot imagine living without your ex boyfriend
- You don’t think you can find anyone like your ex boyfriend ever again
- You think that your ex boyfriend is the one
- You think that you cannot fall for anyone ever again
- Your ex boyfriend is your first love and your best friend
- You still love your ex boyfriend a lot
Are these all legitimate reasons for wanting your ex boyfriend back?
First, you must understand how our mind works. Our mind is conditioned in the way to avoid pain, so it will trick you into thinking anything just to ease the breakup pain.
Go back and read through all of the above mentioned reasons again. What your mind is trying to do is to convince you that you should reconcile with your ex boyfriend.
But, these are NOT good reasons for reconciliation.
You should only get your ex boyfriend back if you want to work on your relationship and make it succeed the second time around. You should Not want your ex boyfriend back just because you need your ex boyfriend.
Then, what are good reasons for wanting your ex boyfriend back?
- It was a rash decision to end the relationship (especially after a fight or argument)
- The breakup was due to circumstantial reasons ( e.g. One of you moving to another city or country)
- You and your ex boyfriend have the same goal in life
- The relationship was great and both of you were very happy being together most of the time
- You and your ex boyfriend have children together
So, when it is a bad idea for you to even consider rekindling the relationship?
If your ex is physically or verbally abusive towards you in the relationship, it is better for you to stay away from your ex boyfriend. You deserve to be treated with respect.
No Contact Rule Vs Limited Contact Rule
No contact rule: it means no texting or calling or emailing your ex boyfriend for a certain period of time. In other word, you cut off contact with your ex boyfriend only temporarily.
Limited contact rule: it means that you have to keep your contact with your ex boyfriend to a minimum for a certain period of time. You should use limited contact rule when zero contact is not possible.
Why do we use no contact rule?
The main purpose of no contact rule is to give you time to work on your mind and body. Staying in contact with your ex boyfriend when you are emotionally unstable is only going to ruin your chances of getting your ex boyfriend back.
Why is that?
Firstly, no one will be attracted to a person who is very emotional, your ex boyfriend included.
Secondly, you need to be logical when it comes to winning your ex boyfriend’s heart again.When you cannot even put your emotions under control, there is no way that you can think logically and rationally.
The secondary purpose of no contact rule is to give your ex boyfriend time to miss you and also take him off the pedestal. By not contacting him, it would make your ex boyfriend wonder why you never text him or call him because he was expecting you to do that.
However, there are situations where completely no contact with your ex boyfriend is not practical.
- Working together with your ex boyfriend
- Have many mutual friends with your ex boyfriend
- Living together with your ex boyfriend
- Have children with your ex boyfriend
You can go here to read more about how to deal with these above mentioned situations.
During No Contact/Limited Contact Period
So, you have initiated no contact with your ex boyfriend. What should you do during no contact period?
Men are all visual creatures. They are all attracted to beautiful beings. So, it is a good idea to spend this period of time to make yourself feel beautiful and sexy again.
Let’s start with wardrobe makeover first. It is important to know what kinds of clothes that can accentuate your best assets. For example, if you have long and lean legs, perhaps you want to choose short dress or skirt or skinny jeans to show off your long legs.
But, don’t confuse sexy with slutty. Don’t choose outfits that make you look slutty. For example, mini-skirts that can barely cover your buttocks when you lean slightly forward.
Next, you might want to consult your hair stylist to get a new hair style. A different hair style can change your appearance in a good way more than you expected. Not only it brings newness into your life, but it might also make your ex see your beauty in a new light.
It is also time to hit the gym and start working out to lose the extra few pounds. Having a great body can help increase your attractiveness and also make you feel good about yourself.
Take Control Of Your Emotions
During the no contact period, it is of uttermost importance to work on taking control of your emotions.
Anyone who is going through a breakup will inevitably experience a wide range of emotions: hurt, disbelief, anger, sadness and etc. Our feelings and emotions are reflected in our behavior and thoughts.
In fact, there is a neurological feedback loop between emotions and thoughts. In other words, negative feelings leads to negative thoughts which in turn reinforce our negative feelings.
So, how do we disrupt this destructive feedback loop?
Fortunately, there is a way. Since we cannot stop emotions from surfacing, what we can do instead is to train our mind to recognize these negative emotions as soon as they appear. Then, you exercise control over your emotions through your thoughts.
Boost Your Confidence
Breakups can do a lot of damage to your self-confidence. You feel rejected. You feel unwanted. You feel you are not good enough or even worthless.
You need to understand that a lack of confidence is one of the top reasons killing your chances of getting your ex back.
Men are naturally attracted to confident women because a confident woman knows her self-worth and she makes any man feel lucky to have her and proud to show her off to friends and family.
Are you still the same confident and self-assured girl that your ex first fell in love with?
Probably not much so after the breakup.
What can you do to boost your confidence?
The first small step you can take to increase your confidence level is to change your posture and body language. For example, when you keep your head straight and pull your shoulders back instead of slouching, you will give out a self-confident vibe to other people.
Always make the effort to put on makeup, style your hair and dress nicely before going out. By doing this, it not only makes yourself feel good, it will also give other people the impression that you are confident.
We all have a critical and negative inner voice inside our head, telling us that we are not good enough or we are not going to succeed. We must be able to catch yourself listening to these negative voice and switch it to positive thoughts and affirmation right away.
Another tip from me is that you can write down a list of good qualities about you and all the achievements you have accomplished (big or small). When you feel down, you read through this list to remind yourself how awesome you actually are.
Are You Ready To Talk To Your Ex Again?
As I have mentioned before, you are just cutting off all communication with your ex for a short period of time while working on yourself. So, there will come a time when you need to re-initiate contact with your ex again.
But, before that, you need to know if you are really ready to talk to your ex boyfriend.
How do you know that?
- Would you be able to talk to your ex boyfriend normally without being tempted to bring up your relationship?
- Would you lose your cool and have an emotional breakdown if your ex tells you that he is seeing someone else?
- Would you end up having an argument with your ex if he unintentionally says something that might upset you?
- Would you start begging your ex boyfriend to take you back?
- Would you become anxious if your ex boyfriend didn’t reply you right away?
- Would you be able to show a happy and cheerful side of you throughout the conversation with your ex boyfriend?
How To Re-initiate Contact With Your Ex Boyfriend
There are many ways to re-initiate contact with your ex boyfriend such as phone calls, text messages, emails and etc. But, personally I think texting your ex boyfriend is a better way to start re-initiating contact with your ex boyfriend.
Why is this so?
Because texting is more casual compared to phone calls and more personal compared to emailling. Texting also allows you to take your time to think about how to reply to your ex. It takes the pressure off as you won’t be worried if you don’t know what to say next.
So, how do you text your ex the right way?
Texting is an art you need to master when it comes to getting your ex back. You don’t want to sound boring or desperate in your messages.
There are two objectives you want to achieve:
- You want to engage your ex boyfriend and make him addicted to talking to you.
- You want to subtly influence your ex boyfriend to make him realize it was a mistake breaking up with you and make him want to come back to you again.
It might sound like a mission impossible, but it is achievable if you know the right way to do it.
The first tip is that you need to make the conversation interesting. Don’t text him if you have nothing interesting to talk about. It is better not talking to him than to initiate a boring conversation.
To make your ex boyfriend addicted to talking to you, you need to make him associate good feeling with talking to you. If he feels good about himself or he feels happy after talking to you, he is going to want to talk to you again and again to get back the same good feeling.
Things you need to take note of when you contact your ex boyfriend for the first time after no contact period:
- Make your text message casual and light
- Don’t bring up your relationship at any point of time during your conversation
- Take it slow and don’t ask your ex to meet for coffee or hang out at this stage
- Always send positive text message because you want to start anew and get rid of all the negativity
- Refrain from sending your ex boyfriend meaningless and boring text messages
- Don’t bombard your ex boyfriend with endless text messages
- Always sound happy and cheerful in your text message
So, what should you do next?
If your ex boyfriend responds positively to your first couple of text messages, that is a good sign that you are doing something right. However, during the first few text conversations, do remember to keep it short by you ending the conversation first.
Later on, we can move on to build intimacy between you and your ex boyfriend via texting. For example, if you know that your ex boyfriend is going through a tough time at work or home, you can let him know that you are always there for him. It shows that you still care about him very much and it brings two of you closer.
Or, if you know that your ex boyfriend is starting up a business, you can offer to help him in certain areas or give him some good suggestions. It is okay if you are not an expert in this field. You can always read up and learn about business and share with him what you find useful for his business. This way, he would really appreciate that you go the extra mile to help him.
When he feels indebted to you, do you think your ex boyfriend would be more likely or less likely to respond to your text messages or calls?
It Is Time To Get Flirty In Your Text Messages
You should only flirt with your ex boyfriend if you feel that you and your ex boyfriend are getting along well and he would actually text you first.
Please don’t get me wrong here. What I am suggesting is NOT texting him in a sexually flirtatious way. You don’t want him to get the wrong idea that you just want sex from him. Flirting in this case is more like teasing.
It not only keeps the conversation fun and light, but it will also make your ex boyfriend addicted to talking to you because it is a very enjoyable experience for him.
Tips for flirting with your ex boyfriend via text:
- Keep it short and don’t drag the conversation. Less is more
- Don’t sound desperate and clingy
- Don’t flirt in an obvious way, otherwise you risk making him think that you are very easy to get
- Make him think dirty thoughts without you talking dirty
- Use smiley faces at the end of your text because it implies flirtiness
Moving From Texting To Dating
You need to be patient when it comes to going on a date with your ex boyfriend for the first time after no contact period. All your efforts and hard work so far would go to waste if you lose patience and rush things.
Remember, one of the objectives we were trying to achieve through texting is to get your ex boyfriend to ask you out. This is because it will significantly increase the chances of reconciliation if he is the one who wants to meet up for coffee or lunch or just hang out.
During your first meetup with your ex boyfriend, what you need to do is to show him that you are still the confident and sexy and fun girl he fell for. That means that you should keep the conversation casual and fun and don’t bring up your relationship. If he wants to talk about it, you can just change the subject.