Would you like to get inside your ex’s head for a moment? Would you like to know what they’re thinking, the reasons behind their actions and why they’re doing what they’re doing?
Short of a mind-reading device, we’re going to do the next best thing. This will give you great insight into what is really going on inside the mind of your ex and truly understand why what happened, happened.
You definitely don’t want to skip if:
- Your ex’s departure from the relationship has shocked you.
- You’d like to know how they could do what they did.
- You want to know why they broke up with you the way they did.
- You want to know what they’re thinking now and why they’re doing what they’re doing right now.
Let’s get started.
So what is the act of breaking up to you? Have you ever had to break up with someone? Have you ever had to “reject” someone?
At the core of it, the person wanting the break up is essentially “rejecting” the other person. Being rejected is one of the fundamental FEARS that we humans possess.
We all want to be liked and accepted by the people around us. For someone to say they want to be exclusively intimate with us, says to society that you’re socially accepted; you must be a “good” and “decent” human being.
I’m not saying we need to have a partner to show others we’re wonderful individuals, but having social proof to back up that claim certainly helps. And in fact, it is those who lack any intimate relationships at all who suffers in the eye of society.
Due to the fact that having intimate relationships with others is held in such high regard, to be rejected would be seen as the exact opposite. Suddenly you’re not “as good” as you or others thought. Suddenly your value in the eye of society lowers significantly!
It hurts to be rejected!
Now on the other end, the person doing the dumping isn’t completely oblivious to this. Humans are generally empathetic creatures and if “sane”, won’t want to wish harm on other human beings… especially those they are closest to.
The only thing that is seen equally as bad as being rejected – is the act of rejecting itself. The person delivering the bad news is just as bad as the news!
Here’s an example:
Imagine your group of friends have planned a road trip. Unfortunately there were some miscommunications and out of the 8 spots available, 9 people ended up being invited. Now the dilemma is someone needs to be “rejected” due to the fact that there are not enough spots available.
Would you want to be the one to actually tell this extra person, who happens to be a close friend of yours, that they must turn around and go home?
Now how much will you want to do it when you know they’ve been looking forward to this trip for weeks or even months?
Do you see what I mean?
Even though it’s not YOUR fault, you’ll be seen as the “bad person” purely because you’re delivering the bad news. No one wants to be the bad person. In our society, bad people go to jail, get executed and are shun for life.
So what is the point that I’m getting at?
Breaking up is not an easy task to do and your ex surely did NOT want to do it, but someone had to and even though they’re not seen as “bad” per say, this little concept will explain a lot of their behaviours leading up to and after the break up.
Believe me when I say, your ex, if a sane human being, will have struggled with the idea of breaking things off with you. No one wants to be the messenger. We all want to be good people and as good people, we want to always do the “right” thing.
Breaking up is also seen as a risk because you can never predict how someone will react to a rejection. This means a massive amount of burden on the dumper.
For this reason, a fair amount of preparation and planning had to be taken into consideration, both EMOTIONALLY as well as ACTUALLY.
Let’s have a look at the 4 Phases leading to a break up.
Phase 1: Emotional Detachment
The instant someone decides they want to leave, the first thing they do is start to emotionally distance themselves. This is absolutely necessarily for them to accomplish the task of a cold rejection. They must view it as a “job”, something they need to get done because if they didn’t, it simply won’t be possible.
Phase 2: Action-Based Detachment
The second part of preparation is the taking action part. Things you can see and might even have noticed. Early signs of this include:
- Going out with friends a lot more.
- “Problems” arising at work or school.
- Sudden change of plans for the future – wanting to go to a different school or job or even want to move away.
- Starting a new hobby/activity and spending all their time on it.
- General vibe that something is wrong or different.
- Stop doing normal “couple” things together.
The interesting thing is sometimes a “clear” decision to break up doesn’t completely happen. That’s when someone is fully in denial because they associate a lot of pain with breaking up.
However, they associate an equal or greater amount of pain to staying together. Once they’re in constant battle with themselves, their behaviour is going to change drastically prior to actually breaking up.
These early signs are a way for the dumper to ease the transition from “being in a relationship to being single” or from “being in a relationship to getting into another relationship.”
This is also why someone may purposely seek a new relationship prior to leaving their current one. It’s not a coincidence they happened to meet someone else.
This other woman or man had nothing to do with your break up. If your relationship was on the rocks for some time, it is likely your partner had been looking for someone to help them leave for a while too.
This doesn’t always happen of course, some people will just leave without needing anyone waiting in the wings. They are usually much more strong and independent individuals.
Phase 3: Reasons & Excuses
Preparing to break up wouldn’t be complete without the actual coming up of the REASON for breaking up. There must be a reason, because just mentioning you’d like to break up just isn’t satisfying on its own.
A “good” reason can greatly reduce how badly the dumper feels towards the break up. This is why crafting a reason or an excuse is not really easy and often dumpers rely on the “canned” versions instead.
Here are some of the most common reasons they give:
“It’s not you, it’s just me.” “I just need space.”
“I think you deserve better.”
For a reason to pass mustard, it must relieve as much responsibility off the person being dumped as possible. This is why, lines like “It’s not you, it’s just me” is so popular, because it removes the fault of the break up from the person being dumped and onto the dumper.
When the dumper holds the majority of the blame for the break up, they will feel less guilty about the deed.
A “canned” line can also act as a great way to dodge revealing the ACTUAL reasons for the break up, in favour of appearing “angelic” and “good”.
This is a bit scary because ultimately it means you can’t trust any reason an ex gives you. However, my theory is, the more someone reveals about why they want to break up – taking the time to actually sit down and talk through it with you (provided you listen to them) – the more they care about you and the relationship.
Your chance of getting them back is much higher because your ex still shows signs they want to sort out the current problems of the relationship.
On the other hand, if their explanation was very brief – little to no explanation – and they simply break up and disappear, it means they’re only thinking of themselves.
They got scared and felt compelled to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. They might “wake up to themselves” later on, but that sort of reaction spells they’re dealing with personal demons instead of worrying about you. This selfish behaviour is harder to predict and is common amongst people with a lot of growing up to do.
Phase 4: Justification
Here’s where it gets interesting, once someone has come up with a reason, they start to look for things you do or say that further justifies this reason.
Once they feel they have enough justification, they will then initiate the break up.
Different people will take varying amounts of time to go through with this process and during this time they will also be preparing themselves for life post break up.
What About “Spur of the Moment” Break Ups?
There are times, like during the heat of an argument when you or your partner “breaks it off” on the spur of the moment.
If you are the dumper who realized you have made a mistake and your ex is now unwilling to take you back. Realize that your ex was looking for reasons to break up regardless and you might have given him or her the perfect out.
If you were the person being dumped of a seemingly accidental break up you need to realise that it was no accident at all and they were just waiting for a heated argument for them to use, to break it off with you.
So these are the 4 phases that a dumper typically tends to go through that leads up to a breakup. Did you go through a similar phase in your own breakup?