So, now your ex wants to stay friends with you?
First, I want to say that you are being put in a very painful situation, especially if you still love your ex.
When your ex offers a friendship, you can choose to turn it down and cut off contact if moving on is what you really want.
But then if you cut contact with your ex, you might wonder whether you will ever hear from your ex again.
If you really want to get your ex back, then this could be the only door of opportunity for you.
That’s because when your ex just wants to stay as friends, it might not necessarily be a bad thing.
The fact that your ex still wants to be friends means he still wants you in his life.
If you play your cards right, it is possible to make your ex fall in love with you again.
After all, he has loved you in the past.
Therefore, it is possible to make your ex fall for you again in the future.
That is why it might work to your advantage if you accept the friendship when you are thinking about getting your ex back.
However, it is important to be upfront and honest with your ex.
Let your ex know that you still have feelings for him/her and harbour hopes of getting back together in the future…
But you respect your ex’s decision to be friends.
This is important because you don’t want your ex to think that you are okay with just being friends and then somewhere down the line…
Your ex realizes that you actually want him/her back.
This can result in awkwardness or even distrust, or worse it may even end your friendship.
Another reason why you should be frank with your ex is to protect your own emotions.
If your ex really treasures the friendship and is aware of your feelings for him/her…
Your ex will try his/her best not to hurt you.
For example, your ex most likely will not talk about dating someone else in front of you.
It is important to understand that being honest is not about being blunt or tactless.
For example, it is okay to say you still have feelings for your ex…
But it is absolutely a bad idea to tell your ex how miserable you feel without him/her in your life…
Or how painful it is to be just friends.
Certain words are better left unsaid.
And always remember that being friends is the stepping stone to getting back an ex again.
Is It Too Late To Get Your Ex Back?
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Don’t Be Desperate
It is important to remember that you are just friends now.
Therefore, it is important to respect the boundaries of your ex.
Don’t expect your ex to meet up with you or contact you as often as when you were still together.
Also, don’t cross the line by contacting your ex too often as well.
A rule of thumb is to go for the ratio of one-to-one.
That means…
If your ex contacts you, you reply.
If your ex contacts you again, you reply again.
You can also be the one to initiate contact with your ex from time to time.
The key here is to do it in moderation.
This is especially important if the main reason for breaking up is because you were too clingy when you were still together.
If that is the case, this is the perfect opportunity for you to show your ex that you have changed.
Actions speak louder than words.
On the other hand, you don’t want to go too long without having any contact with your ex.
After all, how are you going to get your ex back if you are only going to meet your ex just once a year?
I would say that for most situations, it should be okay if your ex is fine with meeting up once every month or so.
But, be prepared that things might go a little more slowly than you would have wanted it to go at the start.
So, it is important to be patient.
Keep Your Emotions In Check
How well you manage your emotions during this period is going to determine your chances of getting your ex back.
I know this may sound a little bit counter-intuitive to you but it is the truth.
The more you can treat your ex like a friend, the more likely you are going to get your ex back.
In other words, you need to place your ex’s needs above yours.
Respect your ex’s wish to be friends and put your desire to get him/her back on hold.
In a way, you can consider this as a form of true love.
If you truly love and care about a person, you will not place your needs above them.
On the other hand, if every time you contact your ex, your main focus is on how to get your ex back…
Then you may have to ask yourself whether you truly love your ex.
Now, I am not going to lie to you and tell you that it is easy.
Not everyone can do it.
You need to have a certain level of emotional maturity.
More importantly, you need to truly care about the well-being of your ex.
When you can do so, your ex will definitely appreciate it.
Your friendship with your ex will deepen and there is a good chance that your ex will fall in love with you again.
Don’t Be Friend With Benefits
Yes, I mentioned above that the more you treat your ex like a friend, the more likely you can win your ex back.
However, that doesn’t mean you should let yourself fall into being Friends With Benefits.
While this mostly happens with women, it can also happen to men.
Many people fall into the trap of thinking that sex equals love.
They think that if they give sex to their ex, their ex would be more likely to get back with them.
While it does happen in some cases…
Most of the time, letting your ex have sex with you in hopes of getting them back is not a good idea.
That’s because when you become Friends With Benefits, your ex might think you are okay with sex without commitment.
And if your ex feels that’s what you’re thinking…
Then your ex will constantly just want sex from you, and not necessarily commit to you.
On the other hand, there are situations where an ex will like the bond and connection they had during sex…
That makes them want to commit to a relationship.
Although this happens, it is rare.
So be careful of your ex’s intention if they want sex.
At the end of the day, if you are going to be Friends With Benefits with your ex…
You have to be clear that you are going to be okay with that…
And not start to get upset with your ex later on because all your ex wants is to be Friends With Benefits with you.
With that said, if your ex really cares about you and loves you…
Your ex would treat you with respect and never treat you as a friend who they can sleep with whenever they want.
If your ex brings up this idea of being Friends With Benefits, do not agree to it immediately.
Take some time to think if you’re okay with it and whether it’s something you will not regret down the road.
Is It Too Late To Get Your Ex Back?
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Know What You Are Getting Yourself Into
Without compromising the truth, I try as much as possible to be encouraging and hopeful.
Without hope, people won’t even make the effort to try and get their ex back even if it is possible in the first place.
Sometimes, all of us do need a little bit of encouragement.
So, I always tell people that it is possible to get back with their ex, which is true.
The success rate varies, depending on what unique situation you are in.
I have seen couples who do get back together in the most unlikely situation and become more loving than ever after resolving their differences.
There are also people who got their ex back even though their ex just want to be friends.
That is why if you are trying to get your ex back, you will do better if you approach it with an optimistic attitude.
It is also important to understand that it takes time.
It can take at least a few months to turn your ex from becoming friends to becoming lovers.
I am not saying that everyone will take a few months. Some may do it faster while others will take longer.
But it is a good idea to be prepared so that you will not give up in the first few weeks.
I realized that a lot of people tend to give up too soon if they started with the wrong expectation, thinking that it will be easy.
Therefore, I would rather let you know what to expect so that you can be more persistent.
Know When To Move On
You need to know that it is possible that you two might not get back together even after you have tried a lot of things.
So, you should know when to stop and move on.
Put it this way, if after some time, your ex is not showing any interest in getting back with you, then it is probably time for you to move on.
Do take note – I am not telling you to try for one year.
Ultimately, you are the one who decides how long you want to try.
You will have to look at your situation to decide.
Normally I think it is normal to give it at least a few months.
But in cases where your ex makes it clear that there is no chance of reconciliation…
Then that might be a sign for you to reconsider your options.
Your Next Step
Would you like me to personally coach you and guide you on exactly what to do & say in your specific situation to get your ex back?
You see, I get lots of emails every day from people asking me to help them:
And I’ve had many coaching clients that got their ex back as a result of my Coaching Programs. Here are just some of the many success stories from my coaching clients:
And I would love to help you get your ex back as well.
But unfortunately, the truth is that NOT all relationships are salvageable.
So in order for me to determine if I can actually help you get your ex back, please take just 2 short minutes to answer the quiz below, and you will find out if you have a good chance to get your ex back or not:
sanu says
My bf breakup with me cz i lied to him…and i was all my fault..but still he was asking for friendship…but i refused…now what to do?
Anonymous says
Hey I want to talk about my ex we had broke one year ago but actually I was broke up because that time I was confused about relation and we totally disconnected after one year again we come in the contact now I have a feeling about him so how should I do if my ex want to come back
Tony C says
Not a good idea, its eithier relationship or nothing.
Hanna says
Hi,
thanks for your blog, it is really helpful.
I wanted to know some advices from you. Here is my situation:
Me and my boyfriend broke up 4 weeks ago, we have been together for 5 and a half years. We still have our appartment together, but we agreed on cancelling the lease. However, he is still living in our appartment. Our pictures are still there. I’m staying at my mother’s house but will be back soon to our appartment for a summer session at school. I went once to our appartment and we slept together 3 times in 2 days. We agreed it was just physical. I don’t regret it but now, I won’t do it again until he commit. One week have passed, we didn’t talk to each other much. One day I just came back to our appartment to take some stuff, he was surprised. I tried to be cold, don’t ask him questions about his life and everything. He asked me a lot of questions to catch up. My answers were short. Then, I told him I had to leave, he asked me to go to the Movie Theater to watch a movie that he has always wanted to show me. At the beginning, I accepted, he seemed kind of happy. However, the movie we wanted to watch was not longer released so I just left because it was getting kind of late too. I didn’t contact him since and he didn’t either. This Saturday, I will have a party and he knew I was going and told me that he was going as well. What should I do? Does he still care? Can we get back together? Please help!
bender says
I was wondering if you had some insight. This is a little long (I’m sure you guys are used to hearing that) but I felt like I had to provide some background. Thanks so much.
A guy that I dated for a little over a year broke up with me about a month-and-a-half ago. I was his first girlfriend but I had dated (and been in love) before. We are both 22. We were the best of friends during our relationship, but we did express doubts throughout the relationship that perhaps we didn’t connect on the level we should want. However, about a month before we broke up, we talked about it again, and my doubts disappeared. I fell for him and it was wonderful.
However, once I realized i was truly in love with him, I saw that he had already given up, despite him telling me he felt better about us after the last conversation. We spent about half of the relationship in long-distance (6 hours away, but got to see each other usually twice a month for the weekend and on holidays), but he was moving down to my city for a job. In fact, he’s here now, but we’ll get to that.
Over a month ago, he made the drive and broke up with me. He was sobbing, and it was awful…I was the one that had to make him feel better. He was sure that he couldn’t see a future with me and just felt like the spark was missing. He said that if he could change his mind, he would. Periodically over the following month we talked some…some expressing my feelings, some with him just updating me about his life, etc. However, I knew it was preventing me from healing, so I asked for space. A week after, he messaged me, telling me he was in my city and going to move into my old apartment complex. I was upset and told him that I felt like he wasn’t respecting my wishes of space. He said he understood and that if I was ever ready to talk again, to contact him.
So my dilemma is this…I can feel myself moving on, but some part of me still hopes for reconciliation, or at the very least, for him to someday realize he made a mistake. HOWEVER. I only want someone who wants me, and if that is not him, oh well. He reached out to me several times in the month after our breakup and I can’t help but wonder why…if it’s guilt, if he’s missing me because I was his best friend (this is the truth), or what. But i don’t know how to handle being friends with him…he even said that any girl he dates in the future has to be okay with us being friends. RIGHT…Do you guys have any thoughts? Again, so sorry this is long!
anozie chiemeziem remus says
my problem is a similar one. am a guy who is 22. she broke up with me bcos she has found som1 who wishes to marry her in 3 or 4yrs time from now. we stay in dsame apartment and see each other everyday i still have feelings for her bcos se still treats me as a friend. is it healthy to still be friends with her or i should cut every meetings with her. and the guy that wants to marry stays in a different state.
Debbie says
My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 2.5 months ago over a drunken fight we had and claiming that we fought too much lately. We were together for a year and 3 months, doing long distance (6 hours) for half of it (visits every month), but eventually both moving back to our same hometown after graduating college.
We went a month with NC. We started texting each other in the second month of our break up and decided to meet for coffee because he kept saying how he missed hanging out with me. After our first coffee meeting, I was confused about what his intentions were and he said he was confused and really didn’t know so he needed some time to think about it. We hung out a handful of times after that and I finally asked him if he had thought about us getting back together. He said that he was happy with what we were doing now as friends and that he doesn’t want to do long distance again when we both decide to move in the next 6 months because it would be hard since we are ‘starting over,’ according to him. I then asked him if we possibly go try getting back together in the future and he said most likely not. I decided to keep it to myself that I still have feelings for him and would like to try again, and we’ve been hanging out a ton since then. He said he considers me one of his best friends and hanging out with him is always a good time for both of us. He still makes flirty jokes or comments on certain things from our relationship/sex life, but he also will talk about how hot some girls are in front of me.
I can definitely be his friend right now because I consider him my best friend and this whole hanging out thing and being close again makes me happy, but I want to know if he could possibly change his mind in the future and see that maybe I’m the one for him and that he made a mistake. Is that possible after all of this? Why does he want me to be his best friend after he broke up with me?
He always wants me to come over for his family dinners and we end up hanging out with his family because I’m still close with all of them. He also still calls me by our nicknames we gave each other. I don’t know if any of this means anything, but I’m just curious if someone who says they won’t ever date you again can change their mind.
Anon says
My boyfriend of 11 months broke it off with me due to some emotional issues I was going through that he felt he couldn’t deal with any longer. After a constant back and forth, including pleading to get him back he said he wanted to be friends for now, but what hurt the most he said there’s not really a chance for us getting back together. Then again, we saw this coming because he will be leaving soon for the Navy and he was nervous for a long distant relationship. Anyway, I agreed to be friends and we made a promise to be there for each other. That night we broke we spent the day together and confessing all of our feelings where we both cried. He told
Me he’s not looking for anyone for awhile because I was his firs serious relationship, The next day, At first it was completely okay for first three days till I broke down emotionally in front of him because of how hard it was for me to adjust and in a way it pushed him away a little and he wanted me to relax and he told me it’s going to work just go with the flow. I talked to him again saying how I’ll give this friendship the best try but for me I want us to work out regardless the factors. It’s team work for it work. What I’m asking is, right now it’s is awkward for us. He has more excuses and has become more busier, I also feel he make these excuse not to see me. I’m just really having mixed signals like one moment he loves me and next moment I feel like he hates me. Then there’s days I feel like he found someone else when I know there isn’t. Maybe it’s the fact I’m too paranoid. I want to try to limit talking to him for to miss me, but I feel that will be pointless since we agreed to talk and try to get close. Then he would think I’m just being mean to him. I also wanted to try making more time with him but I don’t know what to say to convince him. Do you have any ideas and lastly do you think if goes off the navy he might consider missing me?
Sarah says
My boyfriend and I dated for one year and were so in love. We went through tough patches but always got through them. The last month of the relationship, I was in an unhappy place with school and friends so I took it out on him and became controlling and possessive so he broke up with me. About a month and a half later he contacts me saying he misses me, I fell into a trap and we had sex. Then he said he didn’t think we would workout. He began dating his ex that I knew meant nothing to him and was probably just someone for him to have sex with. One month later they breakup and he starts contacting me saying she made him miss me and how much he wants me in his life – as friends. He was the best boyfriend I had ever had and I honestly pictured my future with him. We used to call each other our “person”. His family misses me and I miss our life together. We hungout for an hour today just catching up and he confirms he just wants to be friends. This upsets me but I didn’t show it. Later we text and he admits he still has sexual tension with me and suggests not hanging out alone very often. What do I do? Do you think our relationship could be saved? I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him.
Aurora says
Hello! My ex and I are in our early twenties, but I was his first girlfriend. I have dated before. About a month ago he broke up with me after a year of dating because he felt the spark was missing and couldn’t see a future with me. He cried incredibly hard during the breakup but he is certain (and stubborn) that it will not work out, though I know he truly wanted it to.
We have spoken some since the breakup over Facebook. For some reason he doesn’t want to text me – just Facebook message. Twice since the breakup I have had to establish that I am not ready to have a close friendship with him (he kept sending casual, friendly messages and I wanted no contact), which I know he wants. He doesn’t have many close friends and I was his best friend. He has even made comments how any future girl he dates has to be okay with us being friends (which, of course, I know she doesn’t.) He is so kind-hearted, but I do not think he knows how to handle a breakup.
He seems to be on a different wavelength and is sure he wants us to be just friends. Since I have feelings for him, I can’t do that yet. I’m at a cross-roads…while I love him and want to be with him, I do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want me, so I’m also wanting to move on. HOWEVER, while I do want him to be happy and appreciate him being candid with me about the breakup, I also kind of want him to realize what he lost. Even if it’s too late…any advice? I’m working on moving on but I do still love him and I feel guilty about being unsure if we can be friends. Thanks so much!
Alice says
This is something he said to me throughout the relationship, variations on the line:
“I just want you to be happy”
“All I want is for you to be happy”
“More than anything, I want you to be happy”
etc etc. And even now, as we discussed our failed relationship twice since BU, he’s told me “All I want is for you to be happy”. It feels like a load of BS and also hurts hearing it even though it shouldn’t. Anyone else get this from their ex? Since BU, he hasn’t checked in at all and he told me the last time we talked that he doesn’t want to talk anymore and we need a long time without contact before it’s okay to become friends again. Because of this, the “I just want you to be happy” line infuriates me to no end because he’s brought me depression and frustration and all the awful breakup feelings.
Hoping someone else can relate.
kate says
We broke up 4 months ago (he was a horrible boyfriend, left me for his ex)
About a month ago, he apologized to me, said I was an awesome person and he didn’t wanna lose me completely
I was pretty much over it so I didn’t mind being friends
Unfortunately I got used to talking to him again, maybe regaining feelings, god I hope not, and he doesn’t seem to be romantically interested in me.
He even asked me why I didn’t have a boyfriend since I can “get guys”
Although I believed things didn’t work out with his ex so he came back to me
He asks me to hang out sometimes but I decline because I don’t know if he’ll make a move or not.. I don’t know if I want to get back into that.
Am I just an option?
Is it possible to be friends with your exes without eventually gaining feelings for them?
Louise Hadley says
Yes, you are just a very convenient fall back option. If you know he is a bad choice, then you should not have agreed to stay as friends. When two single people( especially two have been romantically involved before) hang out for too long, it is very easy for either one to develop feelings towards the other one. You are a smart gal, I think you know what is the right decision for you.