I know what you are thinking. You are afraid that if you end contact with your ex, your ex might forget about you and move on to a new relationship. Also you must be thinking that how I am going to get back with my ex if I stop all contact with him/her. But, do you really think it’s a healthy choice for you?
You have to find out first whether or not you love your ex or you are just addicted to them before you get back together, because it is pointless in getting back with your ex if you are just too used to be with them and just hate being alone.
You need to dig deeper inside you and understand if it is worth salvaging this relationship. The no contact period gives you some time to do some thinking about your relationship.
So, do you think you are getting your ex back for the right reasons, not the wrong ones? Below is a checklist for you:
Ask yourself this question. Whenever you were together with your ex, did you feel great about yourself or did you feel insecure about yourself? If your ex made you feel happy and confident about yourself, then it means he/she might be worth getting back. The opposite is true.
Do you hate waking up alone in the morning? Do you just dread being alone? Seeing other happy couples just make you want your ex back more? If so, it is possible that you are just addicted to being in a relationship.
- Is it true that all you can think about is your ex? Are you completely ignoring your career, your health and your sleep? Do you just want to crawl up in bed and drown yourself in self-pity? If yes, it’s acutally a normal reaction to a breakup. You feel like your life is in chaos and the only thing that will bring you back to your normal life is your ex. In reality, your ex is the reason that you are in this chaos.
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Anyone who is going through a breakup is not in a stable mental state. This no contact period allows you to clear your mind and get yourself back on your feet and restore confidence.
It is true that the person, who just got dumped by the love of their life, usually becomes desperate, needy and miserable. There is nothing wrong with it. It’s natural for everyone to act this way.
As I explained in the guide on how to get your ex back, it is extremely unattractive when your ex sees a needy and desperate you. So, you should never show your ex the needy, insecure, desperate side of you, it is very likely that they will be even more repulsed.
I know it is easier said than done. If you feel desperate and miserable inside, you will show it on the outside. If you make use of this no contact period to work on yourself and become a confident and happy person, you will actually become a lot more confident and secure about yourself. This will help tremendously when you try to get your ex back.
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Whether you broke up with your ex or your ex broke up with you, your ex is the one who has all the power in the post breakup relationship. You are the one who would do anything to get back with them.
If you tried to call, text, beg, plead, or anything, then your ex is in control of this post breakup relationship. However, by just stopping contact with them, you instantly regain control. When you stop calling or texting your ex, they then start to wonder why. The longer you stay away from them, the more they start thinking about you.
More often than not, your ex might be just as miserable after the breakup. But your needy and desperate actions make them feel like they control this relationship. They feel like they can have you whenever they want.
Even though they might be hurting from the breakup, the fact that you desperately want to get back with them gives them a big ego boost. It is therefore easier for them to deal with the breakup.
If you take away that ego boost from them, then you are leveling the playing field. If you stop contacting your ex, chances are they will contact you soon. When they call you, you don’t answer their call. It will not only break their ego, but also make them realize how miserable they are without you.
If you really are serious about getting your ex back, then you need to follow exactly the advice above as it will significantly improve your chances of getting back together with your ex.
Sandy says
BF and I broke it off 2 weeks ago after 8 months together, 5 of which were LDR. It was a very amicable break-up due to unfortunate circumstances. I basically need to work on myself (past pain that resurfaced, self-image and spirituality issues). I was being consumed by my own stuff and found myself unable to work on the relationship. My boyfriend tried to help me and support me, but he grew frustrated. Eventually he said that being in a relationship is the worst place to do soul-searching because of the added pressure. So we ended it
We exchanged a few emails after, checking on each other. He says he thinks about me and wishes me well. He thanked me for all I have done for him. He says he is there for me. That we are still friends. That he doesn’t think of anything that happened between us as bad. We want to be friends but agreed that we each need some time and space to ourselves.
I’ve been on NC for 3 days, but I am so worried! Won’t keeping the NC damage our chances of being friends?? I really want to keep him in my life. He is a great person! And what if there is a chance of reconciliation but keeping NC might ruin it???
Olivia says
My boyfriend and me were together for 3 months. We were madly in love! He introduced me to his family and his friends. He always said how much he loved me, he wanted to be with me all the time, we did so much together. We were very passionate and caring. He was just everything I needed. I couldn’t say one thing bad about him. He got along with my family and friends, I got along with his. We laughed together, told each other secrets,… Every single one of his friends told me that he truly loved me and how proud he was to be my man. Everything was so great! We cuddled all the time, the sex was great, everything was really great. Then one day we had a fight.. I was not feeling really well, I had things on my mind, I wanted to be with him and have a cosy night together. And he just didn’t listen and did what he wanted and said he wanted to go to play pool with a male friend of his. I just didn’t like it and I got mad at him. I yelled that I wanted him to care if I didn’t want him to do something. And not just do it. That I felt like he didn’t put me in first place. And I started crying… It was quite a big fight and I went home. I immediately sent him a message to tell him how sorry I was. That I overreacted, that I just loved him so much that I want to be with him as much as possible. He didn’t react. The next day he sent I should leave him alone for a while. That night he dumped me by text. I was so devastaded. I didnt’ understand how he could do this to me. How he could let everything go for one fight. I tried to call him, text him, but he ignored me. I texted him to tell him how sorry I was, that I overreacted, that he didn’t deserve that, that I would give him space to go out more with friends if he wanted to. That I really loved him and that I was willing to fight for him. He sent me that he still cares about me a lot but that I hurt him really much with what I said to him. He told me that he has always tried his best for me and did everything he could. That he couldn’t forgive me, that the spark was gone in a second. He told me that he would always be there for me, that he cares a lot, that he would stand up for me if something ever happened with me, but that he couldn’t be my boyfriend anymore. It was so hard for me, I couldn’t believe it. I tried to convince him that I didn’t mean a word I said, that I was so sorry, that I just was frustrated a moment, that it wouldn’t happen again. I sent him really sweet text messages and everything. Nothing worked. He just sent that he would come to pick up his stuff the week after. I didn’t know what to do. I just put my phone off for two days because I couldn’t handle it anymore… Than when I put it back on, I had only 3 messages of him. All about that he wanted to come pick up his stuff. I sent him back that it was ok and if he was still mad at me. If he wanted to talk to me. He replied that he wasn’t mad anymore, that we could talk. But that he just was feeling frustrated because they found something wrong with his back. He might lose his work, and it’s possible he can never play soccer again. So I called him because I was really worried about him. And he told me everything what happened and poored his heart out about how bad he was feeling. The next day I went to his house to bring his stuff. At first we just talked about his well-being, what the doctors said.. We talked like friends. But then I started crying. It hurt me to look at him and feel he wasn’t mine anymore. I wrote him a letter and gave it to him. He read it and told me how strong of a girl I am to write him such personal, honest letter. He held me and told me that I shouldn’t be afraid. That I wasn’t going to lose him. That he still cared for me so much! And that he still has feelings for me but was not capable of being together of me anymore. Then I had to go, and I started crying so much, we cuddled each other and I told him that I was gonna miss him so much.. Then when I wanted to leave on my bicycle, he said he wouldn’t let me go like that, he saw that I was really devastated. So he took a bicycle and went with me so I wouldn’t have to go alone when feeling like this.. When we arrived he said he wanted to see me smile, that I wasn’t going to lose him, that he still cared. Because I hadn’t eaten really much the days before, I started to feel dizzy from the long bike ride. And he saw that I wasn’t feeling well. So he took me inside a pub to give me something to drink, he kept putting his hands on my knees and kept asking if I felt ok. He was so worried about me. He took my cell and called my dad so I could go rest at home, then he called my work to let them know I wasn’t feeling good. He waited with me until my dad arrived and said that I had to call him to let him know if everything was ok with me. I called him that night and he was glad that I was feeling okay. Then I sent him a message that I respect his choice. That I still love him, but I understand I overreacted, that I’m thankful for the beautiful memories. I left him alone for the next two days. then a day later I called him to know if he was feeling okay. We talked a bit and he was very sweet. He was interested in how I was doing, in what I did. I just know that he still really cares.. The next day we chatted a bit on facebook and he acted very sweet and funny, like I’m his best friend.. That he still wants to see my family and me. But everytime I heard him, it just hurt so much to know that we weren’t together anymore. So I told him that it hurt to much to act like nothing happened, that I still love him to much. That I can’t be just friends with him. And that I need time and space from him to move on… I know he really loved me and possibly still does. But I can’t do this anymore. I decided to go no contact 3 weeks. What do you think about this? Will I get him back? Will he miss me? It’s just so hard to let him go!
Howard says
I’ve been together with this girl for 5 years and we broke up last month. She said she was un happy and she confessed that she was seeing another guy prior to the break up. She says they’re just friends but they had sex? We also have a 1 year old daughter together. The beginning of the break up she hated me and didn’t even want to see me and as time went on and more time we spent time with each other she started saying that she still loves me and cares for me. I ask to her to stop talking to the other guy and she seems like she cant. We still spend time with each other and we still do everything together but I want it to be more than that. Is she just leading me on? What should I do? I feel like every time I try to fully part ways she keeps holding me back. I feel like if I fully part ways it’ll give the other guy more of chance to sweep her off her feet. What should I do.
Jason says
Well, where to begin. Me and my (ex) girlfriend were together for 4 years. Talked about marriage and all that usual stuff. To the story. She got accepted to C.S.U after graduating from our local college in Texas. I still had just 7 more credits and I would have been done as well. My dad had just died and it seemed all so sudden that I was leaving my family behind to keep up with her in Colorado. But I loved her, so I went.
Stayed for 2 and a half months but had problems.I had a job but I had no car. No license and my mom said she wouldn’t support me if I had chose to leave. I couldn’t finish my online classes because I didn’t have enough money in time. I was walking to work, riding a bike, trying to find rides. (9 miles) We shared the car which did help to an extent. But it was still hard.In her defense she did offer her loan money i I had paid her back. She would always ask if something was wrong because I wasn’t acting myself; to which I would reply ” No ****! I’m fine” ( It did make me act somewhat snappy rude and closed off) Knowing that was not the truth.
I just couldn’t talk about it. I regret that choice now.
One day I decided the best thing to do was to go back home temporarily( to avoid further arguing for us) I told her in advanced and it crushed her. The whole week we were just kinda numb toward each other. She eventually broke down one day and bawled and yet I was still numb. I didn’t say much. In fact I can’t remember if I said anything at all. I wish I would have in retrospect. But I didn’t. I told her I just wanted to get this done and be back. She replied ” If you leave it’s over.” She made me sleep on the couch and wouldn’t let me hold her hand anymore that whole week. Saying “you’re leaving so basically it doesn’t matter” There was a bar about 200 yards away so I hit the bottle.
Hard.( I REGRET) Just to be able to sleep at night because I felt so hurt, instead of communicating like I should have. She then left everyday not caring if I had a ride to work or not. So I couldn’t ride out my 2 weeks notice. One day she left for work and came back and I was gone. I couldn’t stand the suffering anymore. After 4 years that’s how I left :/ I hate I did that to.
After about a week and a half back in Texas I contacted her saying I regret everything I had done. But I was very close to having everything finished and could be back up there soon. She said “no I don’t want that” I hurt her to much because she had put her faith and hope in me that I would be able to do it (make it work) and she was tired of my wishy washyness and my emotional baggage. I guess it was a “test” you would say ,to her, of me being a man. Preserving. And achieving it all myself. She wanted no part of me now.
After 4 years. I was crushed to no end. I had dropped everything for her to move up there and it seemed to go unnoticed.
About a month later I found out she had a guy spend the night in our camper the day I left! A guy she meet in class 4 days prior of me leaving. ( i knew about him cuz i asked how school was when I was still in Colorado and she mentioned him! ) Posting pictures on social media. I thought how? How after 4 years could she move on that quick? I haven’t even thought of another. I did pushed her away by blowing her up like crazy but I could not help it. It was a relationship I did not want to end. And for it to be over because I left for good reasons just felt …..idk.
SO many things. I hated myself for it. Why had I made that decision. I let the best gift I had ever had in my life slip through my hands. Now my future that I had planned with her (same college and all) was just over.
ignatian spirituality says
Can you post something else with this direction? I`d like to see
Louise Hadley says
sure, thanks!