It can be very frustrating right after a break up if your ex still contacts you. Thoughts such as “Why is he/she still contacting me?”, “What does he/she want?”, “Does he/she still want to be with me?” or “Why bother contacting me still if you already broke up with me?”, are probably racing through your mind.
After all, doesn’t breaking up mean that you ex wants nothing to do with you? And if so, then why still torment you by keeping in contact with you, right?
Well, there are many reasons why your ex still contacts you other than for obvious reasons. Here are some of the reasons:
Reason #1 The Obvious Reasons You Can’t Avoid Contact
- You and your ex work together
- You and your ex live together
- You and your ex have a child together
- You and your ex have some financial commitment to each other (e.g. you owe your ex money or your ex owes you money)
- You and your ex share a car
- Your ex wants their stuff back from you
For these obvious reasons above, you have to be in contact with your ex. In such cases above, it’s not possible to go into No Contact, so you will have to practice the Limited Contact rule. The Limited Contact rule basically just means that you keep contact to a minimum.
If you have no important reason or urgent need to contact your ex, then you should refrain from initiating contact. And you feeling needy and desperate for your ex does not justify an “urgent need”. It has to be related to something other than your relationship with your ex.
If your ex contacts you, keep it short and make any encounter or interaction light and fun. The goal is to make all interaction with your ex a pleasant one. This way it will allow your ex to find the good qualities in you again and slowly remember the good times they had with you.
In time, this can slowly blossom to your ex being attracted to you again.
Reason #2 They Just Want To Be Friends With You
Although you two may no longer be lovers in your ex’s eyes anymore, your ex might still feel that you can be a really good friend. After all, there is the saying “my lover is my best friend”. Take away the lover part and you still are the best friend.
For that reason, your ex might feel very comfortable to talk to you and even confide in you. They may even sometimes tell you that they have found someone new and ask you for your opinion.
If this is the case, it’s understandable that you will find it really hard to just be friends with your ex. You may even be tempted to get mad and ask your ex why he/she is doing this to you and why they must torment you.
And as tough as I know it is, you will have to resist this urge, if you want to get back with your ex. If you are constantly getting angry at your ex, in your ex’s mind, he/she will associate any interaction with you with a negative feeling. We don’t want that. So, keep that in mind because the last thing you want is to make your ex permanently ignore you.
If you want your ex back, you need to maintain contact, so that in time you can attract your ex back. Simple as that.
Reason #3 Your Ex Still Has Feelings For You
This is one of the most possible reason why your ex contacts you. Sometimes, your ex doesn’t even know that he/she still has feelings for you. For example, I have many clients that their ex would just contact them out of the blue to start a conversation.
A text or a call to just say “How are you?” could be signs that your ex suddenly thought of you and just wanted to see how you were doing. During such contact, your ex may not even be sure why he/she wants to know how you are but they just do it.
And especially if you two had been in a relationship for years, it can be very hard to totally forget you. A part of your ex probably wants to be with you still, but because of reasons that they consciously tell themselves, they resist the urge to want to get back with you because they think it is not going to work out.
And think about it, if you remove all the arguments, quarrels, fights, disagreements between you two, all you have is two people who really love and care for each other.
Reason #4 Your Ex Misses You
It is similar to the reason #3, but this is actually a much stronger feeling that your ex is feeling at the moment. It is possible that your ex has been thinking about you for days and probably miss you a lot. So, they contact you but have too much pride to tell you that they miss you.
So, they find ways and excuses just to be in contact with you. For example, one of my clients had her ex suddenly text her out of the blue after 2 weeks of no contact. The excuse given by her ex was that his parents wanted to go on holiday and asked her whether she was interested.
We later found out that it was her ex that suggested to his parents to ask her along. But because he was too proud to say that he wanted her to come along, he came up with the excuse about his parents to ask her out.
So, if your ex suddenly contacts you out of the blue and gives some excuse, then it is likely that your ex probably misses you and just wanted to hear your voice or just stay in contact with you through texts.
Reason #5 Your Ex Is Confused
One of the most common reasons why your ex contacts you is because he/she is probably confused about their feelings for you. Your ex probably knows that he/she shouldn’t be with you but somehow doubt themselves.
So, instead of totally getting you out of the picture, your ex decides to keep you around just in case he/she might want to get back with you one day.
For example, I had one of my clients use a strategy of posting a picture up on her Facebook that showed her having a good time with some friends. In that picture, there were also a couple of guys.
And one of the guys from that picture left a comment on her picture saying “Was nice meeting you that day! We should do this again :)”
This picture sparked some jealousy in her ex, and that resulted in her ex calling her and suddenly being so nice towards her. Her ex then suddenly started asking questions about that picture she posted which eventually led to the topic about who that guy is.
Long story short, after a few other tactics that I taught her to take advantage of that jealousy and to build it up into attraction for her, her ex eventually got back with her.
There are many other situations as well where your ex is confused. But in general, if your ex contacts you our of the blue just to see how you are, chances are they still have feelings for you but are still confused as to whether they really want to get back with you.
At this point it is your job to make your ex want you back. Which brings me to my next point.
To Be Or Not To Be Friends – That Is The Question
So, you’re probably wondering whether you should be friends with your ex or should you just tell your ex that either they get back with you or have nothing to do with you at all. This is an “all or nothing” kind of decision for your ex.
And it makes sense because it will be very hard to just be normal friends after being lovers. Not only will it be difficult, but it can be very tormenting as well. After all, it’s better for your ex to be out of your life so it will be easier for you to move on, right?
However, the problem with this kind of ultimatum is that your ex will almost always choose not to be with you every time. I’ve seen many of my clients say this to their ex and it almost always resulted in their ex deciding not to be with them.
Think about it: your ex broke up with you because they already didn’t want to be in a relationship with you. So, how is giving your ex an ultimatum going to change their mind about the breakup?
My advice is – Be friends first to stay in contact with them. Then slowly attract them back into your life.
Being friends with your ex is the “backdoor” to your ex’s heart. If you have already decided to want them back, how are you going to get them back if they are no longer in contact with you? Or worse, your ex starts to block you and you have to find ways to get in contact with him/her.
Let me explain to you what I mean by “backdoor” by telling you about the story of the Trojan Horse:
According to Greek mythology, sometime during the Trojan War around 13th century BC, the Greeks had been fighting the Trojans for a decade but the war was going nowhere. So, the Greeks devised a strategy that would decisively win the war for the Greeks.
Their plan was to build a huge wooden horse and hide a select group of men inside. The Greeks placed the wooden horse in front of the gates of the City of Troy and pretended to sail away, letting the Trojans believe that they had won the war.
When the Trojans saw that the Greeks had sailed away and left a huge wooden horse, they pulled the horse into the city as a victory trophy. This lowered the Trojans defence because they thought they had already won.
But once the Trojan Horse was behind the walls of the City of Troy, the select group of men sneaked out of the horse at night, opened the gates of the city, and the rest of the Greeks that had been lying in wait, invaded immediately and the Greeks won.
So like the Greeks, first pretend that you are okay to just be friends with your ex. Once you are friends, you can start to “fight” your way into your ex’s heart again and win them back.
How To React When Your Ex Contacts You
Here are the 4 Golden Rules to remember when your ex contacts you:
Golden Rule #1 Do Not Ignore Them
The first rule is that you should not ignore them. The last thing you want them to think is that you are ignoring them because you are still upset about the breakup. When your ex thinks that way, it will make them less likely to contact you in future.
It is perfectly fine to not pick up their calls if they call you. In fact, I encourage you to not pick up the calls because if you’re still not emotionally stable, you could make the mistake of crying, pleading, getting angry or depressed over the phone. And when this happens, you will inevitably push your ex further away again.
So, what you should do instead is to give the call a miss, and reply your ex at least an hour later through text with this message, “Hey, Sorry I missed your call! What’s up?”
This will show your ex that you are not upset at all and in fact you’re probably too busy to pick up the call.
Golden Rule #2 Be Very Friendly And Polite
You want to give the impression that while you are okay with your ex contacting you, you want to show that you aren’t that close with him/her anymore. And the way to do that is to come across as polite and friendly as possible.
This will make your ex wonder why you are behaving so friendly even after the breakup. Over time, this will have an effect on your ex psychologically and your ex then starts to think that maybe things have changed. If they get back with you, maybe things will be different this time!
Golden Rule #3 Be Less Available Than Before
If your ex texts you, you may be tempted to reply very quickly because you are afraid that if you don’t reply quickly, your ex may not contact you in future again.
Unfortunately, such kind of thinking has the opposite effect. The more “available” you are to your ex, the more your ex will think of you as “easily attainable”. And that’s true. As as much as I hate to use this following analogy, you are right now like a puppy waiting for its master to return home.
Your ex at the moment already knows and believes that if they want you back right now, you would immediately say yes. Sounds like that’s the plan from the beginning, right? But that’s the problem, if your ex knows that he/she can have you anytime they want, they have no urgency to want you back right now!
Think of the difference between a “limited edition” toy compared to a toy that is readily and easily obtainable at the nearest toy store. If you were interested in toys, would you want to immediately go out to the shop right now and get the “limited edition” toy? Absolutely! That’s the reason you see people queuing up for things overnight because they know that if they don’t get it soon, someone else will get it and you will lose your chance forever to have it.
Now think of the toy that is not “limited edition” and could be easily obtainable at any toy store. Would you have the urgency to go buy it right now? Most likely not, right? Chance are that you will probably take your time and maybe get it when you have the time or if you happen to pass a toy story in the future.
Right now you are the toy that is readily and easily obtainable. You have to make yourself a “limited edition”, so your ex knows that they may lose your forever if they don’t get you back now. And you do this by making yourself unavailable.
Golden Rule #4 Be Agreeable
If your ex discusses with you on any topic and for some reason you have the opposite thinking to what your ex says, do not disagree with them. Instead, be agreeable or at least just listen to them and go with it.
The last thing you want is to have an argument or quarrel with your ex again because such unpleasant encounters will only reinforce their decision to break up with you in the first place.
But if you are agreeable to them, your ex will suddenly feel validated and feel good talking to you, even if it’s them who is talking all the time. People love to be heard. That’s validation. Once you validate your ex’s point of view, he/she could start to slowly be attracted to you again.
So in conclusion, you now know why your ex contacts you and how to deal with it appropriately.